Playing second fiddle....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by RainbowCoyote, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Active Member

    let me just open up by saying i don't have a bad relationship with my girlfriend. We talk things out and i generally feel very loved....
    well when she has a game controller in her hands it really feels like i play second to her games...
    right now my cousin is here, he lives a province over so it is really nice to see him again after a few years, and he is staying at my apartment for a few days...and it just feels like i am just....just here....
    We had plans of making a cake and i ended up doing that alone while they played video games...i iced it alone, and even when i lost my class ring and was looking for it i was doing that alone. At one point my gf had said something like "I'm coming to help, i promise, just let me do this first" and i looked up to say thanks, but she was staring at the screen...and talking to my cousin instead....
    It's not like we haven't talked about this before...we both agree that we should spend time together but also both have our hobbies, and that is perfect...
  2. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Active Member

    accidentally hit post! woops

    Anyway, Cont'd:

    We talk about it a usually starts with fights but we both cool down a bit, talk it out, and come to an agreement...and usually after that we have at least a few days or weeks of really good
    "Now i don't mind if you play video games, i want to do something else" or "Do you mind if i play this game? My friends are online for once" and it goes really smoothly but there are other times where she gets so absorbed in it i don't even get an answer when i talk to her....

    I don't kind of makes me feel unwanted i could just walk out of the room and she would never even notice until i came back and had to walk in front of her....

    I am not against her playing video games in the least, i am so glad she has found a way to express herself, found stuff she loves and i support her 100%
    I just wish i could be included know...that she would teach me how to play some of these so i don't need to always be the cheer leader on the side lines or even just talk to me, tell me what she was doing....

    i know this is a "between me and her" problem and not a "post on a forum" problem....but it just....feels better to get it out

    And again, we don't have an unhealthy relationship, i personally think that yeah we could improve in some places, both of us have our faults, but we work really well together, we know how to communicate....

    Sometimes it's just hard....I don't know how to handle it because i don't want to get in her way but i want some attention too just seems that sometimes if you don't have a screen and controller you aren't as important...
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Rainbow,

    You may know my own history and I feel the same with my bf. I just want some attention sometimes too and I get met with anger. He gets so absorbed in whatever he's doing on his computer that I too feel like I play second fiddle. There was a time when he'd be on his laptop all the time, that I would have to ask him if he was going to have dinner with me or in his office. I remember going up to his office and saying "do you have a minute?" and him staring at the monitor, holding a finger up and saying "one minute" as though I was his employee or something. I would wait, wait, wait, and finally walk away feeling humiliated. Of course, he'd get mad, saying I was "too sensitive"...the abusive routine.

    He's getting better now though, despite all the other issues. He understands that I feel like dirt when he does that so when I come to see him, he'll turn away immediately and look me in the eye when I talk to him. That was one thing I insisted on and he complied thankfully. I'm like you, I'm not against him being on the internet AT ALL and writing and doing his thing. I'm happy that he's found a passion, but I have to tell him now and again "don't forget about me". This usually triggers him to feel like he's been neglectful and it either goes straight to anger, or to understanding - which is happening a little more often now.

    I think that if you have a good relationship otherwise, maybe you need to find a some independence. I'm only saying that because that's what I did. I decided that I too would "do my own thing". I spend my days with the dogs, I come here and read/answer posts, I blog, I read Tarot cards, I do self-therapy, I paint, I look up recipes, I read, I cook, I bake, I do housework...I keep busy. I think to myself "well, what would I do if I were single right now?".

    It's a method of detaching. The goal isn't to distance yourself in a negative way from your partner, but just to let them be, let them enjoy what they're doing and find a way to enjoy your own time as well. It's hard sometimes because I do get lonely. But I also know that when I'm more independent and really genuinely fulfilled with my own hobbies and activities, he tends to cling to me a little more because he starts to miss me. This, by no means, is a relationship game, so don't get me wrong, it's not a way to manipulate, just to create some space between each other so that maybe some appreciation blossoms.

    I hope I explained myself okay, this migraine is horrid today. I just think that it's important to make yourself happy first.

  4. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Frances M, I empathize with your situation vastly. I even would encourage you to not settle for this person if his bad attitude towards you is so consistent. I could not accept that and remind me of of the monster I was subjected to for years in my twenties...except I really didn't love him or want him around me, truly.

    I loved what you said about doing your own thing, because we are only responsible for our own happiness, not someone else's, and they really aren't even responsible for ours, but for goodness sake, if you choose to be in a relationship (and I'm talking towards your bf..) then put some loving EFFORT into it instead of treating you significant (?) other like an irritating employee or housekeeper..Doesn't sound like he's treating YOU like a significant other at all, from all I've read in your postings about your situations. I really hope you just leave him and let him marry his laptop.

    With my relationship that ended last month, we literally mostly did our own thing and didn't spend a good 75% or so together, we were always doing things separate, including sleeping and going shopping/errands for the most part. I felt single throughout. He behaved like a roommate with benefits in his favor. We finally faced each other and mutually agreed I was not happy and I needed to work on finding myself and working on my progress single, and to stay in school..

    My advice to anyone in a relationship where fighting and anger is so present and repetitive is that it's very down right toxic for you to stay in, and you're not respecting yourself at all. There is someone better and you're letting this angry, unappreciative and disrespectful sorry excuse of a relationship block you from meeting them.
    Frances M likes this.
  5. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Active Member

    Thank you veyr much for your reply and advice
    I feel you explained yourself pretty well, don't worry.
    I will certainly try to take your advice. I do find sometimes I can get a little clingy which can be annoying (to both of us). I guess i have a problem where i go from task to task and get bored easily, and i enjoy conversation.
    I know, though, that it is certainly NOT her responsibility to entertain me all the time, that is just rude to think. I could not even imagine having someone cling to me that much.
    Anyway, thank you again for your advice, i will certainly apply it (and maybe finish my novel? nah probably just browse the net haha)
    Frances M likes this.
  6. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Active Member

    I really felt this line in my heart; i remember a time back about a year, maybe a year and a half ago when i was not in a great place, i was very bad at managing my own emotions, and my partner was in a similar situation. I looked more for closeness, affection, stuff like that helps me feel better, but she tended to try to ignore it and turned to video games to numb it or to escape reality and i remember one time very vividly i was so upset i started a fight on purpose. I needed some kind of attention, i felt awful and i felt very unwanted (way worse than things are lately) and so i just started a fight; if i couldn't get good attention then i was going to get bad attention...attention is attention i guess was my train of thought, be it good or bad.
    So i said some really nasty stuff, and at one point i was so mad (not at her, more at myself for doing all that bullshit) that i shouted "Why don't you just marry your fucking xbox since you love it so much"
    Needless to say, it wrecked us both. We couldn't talk to each other, we couldn't even look at each other.
    In the end, apologies were made and we did talk it through. That was when we started to talk about "it's okay if we fight but we need to talk it out after" type of thing. We made rules about "no using the word 'You' when we're mad" and stuff.
    We also both took some time, as both you and Frances have mentioned, to work on ourselves. I took a lot of time to work on myself, to help better myself, and she took some time for herself, also. We supported each other, but we gave each other space.

    I feel like right now is another one of those times where we need to give each other space...but i don't know...i really need support right now...i wish I didn't rely on her so much...she doesn't deserve that at all...
    Frances M and ghostangelcake7 like this.
  7. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I feel like right now is another one of those times where we need to give each other space...but i don't know...i really need support right now...i wish I didn't rely on her so much...she doesn't deserve that at all...
    RainbowCoyote, I think you are being more emotionally dependent than in love with her. I think as I was just addicted to my ex when we were together and became reliant on them as a foundation for my life. Now it's over, I feel like the foundation has crumbled and I need to start all over again, like someone moving out of their parents for the first time. I am very uncertain and worried about where I'm going next, but optimistic I will be in a better place, and overall being without an influence will let me be 'me' finally. And yes, we all need our space, I always respected space, but we just became so distant and lost touch with our feelings for each other, never invited me to meet his family, never bothered with mine and after all the sweet talk and empty promises, he was so full of contradictions it is almost laughable it's so bad! He once told me shortly before checking out EVERY girl we would pass, "I only have eyes for you", and empty stuff like that to coax me probably because he's so bad at being a 'boyfriend' or flat-out incapable, he just doesn't even try, just talks about it.

    I think there are people who are just incapable of being there for someone else. I think some of us are just NOT relationship material, because we do it for other motives than love or being there, but maybe more selfish or conformist reasons. I can say that I also blame myself because I am so secretive and unwilling to be too open about my life, but the point was this person made alot of empty promises and flat out lies from the beginning, and it's aggravating when your time and feelings are being dragged on, and utterly debasing to my feelings of value. I feel like like my 'freshness' has expired, and I'm just sitting around stale and oozifying into nothing here.
    Frances M likes this.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Your line about marrying his laptop actually made me smile, thanks Ghostangelcake7 :) And yes, I completely agree with you about choosing to be in a relationship. He's messed up but I can't be his therapist or his mother. He knows things are falling apart. Lately he's been showing great effort, but there always has to be that one day a week when he falls back to old habits and I can't figure it out so I've stopped trying. I would love to post something soon saying "we went a month without an incident".

    I think that trust is the foundation of any good relationship. If you trust that the person loves you, cares for you and wants your happiness, then you have more confidence to allow them their own space. But so many people, my bf included, feel like making the effort to ensure your partner is confident in the relationship and feels loved seems like too much of an effort. People don't feel that relationships need to be nurtured and worked on, they think they'll just evolve on their own. On the other hand, if you have trust issues to begin with, like I do, it's not up to your partner to fix those issues's a double-edged sword at times. I'm rambling...
  9. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    It was hard for me to admit that I was clingy. It annoys me because I truly am an independent woman. I also get bored easily and look to him for comfort when I don't feel well. I don't think that people should live separate lives and grow distant at all, but some people need more space than others I guess. But in the end, if you detach yourself a little more, gain some more independence, and still don't like how things are going, then that's another can of worms to open and consider.

    I think you should work on your novel! That's a great idea! :)
  10. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman's like my situation. When I'm not in a great place, I look for closeness and comfort, when he's not in a great place, he seeks solitude. For a while I resisted this and hated it, but I have to try to remember we're not alike at all. I'm trying to accept it, but it's hard for me. Having my dogs has helped me with that because I go to them for comfort and they are ALWAYS ready for some cuddling!

    I also think it's very important to be able to count on someone. But sometimes we rely on them too much for comfort for the wrong reasons. I can speak only from my own experience. From years of being on many meds, I lost a lot of cognitive skills that, even with lots of therapy and work, I wasn't able to really get back, the worst being my ability to keep my attention on one thing, thus I get bored easily. When I used to get bored, I'd go to him and just kind of hang around him with nothing particular in mind and I know that it gets annoying. So I was looking to him for comfort because I was bored, which, to me, is the wrong reason. If I'm bored, I need to address that on my own and find something to keep me occupied and happy.

    But if I'm feeling lonely because we haven't spent time together for a few days, then it's perfectly fine for me to go to him for comfort because we are in a relationship and togetherness and intimacy is so important. That's a "right" reason to seek comfort. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I can't put sentences together these days!
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Empty promises and takes so much time to build, but someone can break that trust in a heartbeat and most of the time, it can't be rebuilt. I think that's when things just drag on because, in my case anyway, I always have hope that the trust can be built again. But it takes a toll on the emotions that's for sure.