Please. Can anyone hear me?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AsahiBushi, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    Each day I feel even worse, I've now got to the point where I deem this resource as a necessity.

    I slept most of the day, I just spent the rest of my time either watching stuff on Netflix or trying to find distraction in a RPing community to no avail. I tried playing a bit of on-line Gran Turismo for a change but I kept making dumb mistakes on my favourite track and I unplugged the damn PS3 out of rage. Now, without distractions, without metaphorical sedatives, my mind feels all the pain again.

    According to my shrink, I'm not depressed (i.e: I don't have a distorted view of either reality or myself). Neither I have self-steem issues, I'm a perfectly healty, 6ft. tall upper-middle class male with college education, long jet-black hair, fluent in three languages and with plenty of acquaintances. Yet, all I can feel as of lately is pain. Three very important things were taken away from me, things that to me meant having overcome the two biggest frustrations in my childhood: not being able to pursue a career in motorsports due to financial constraints and constant social isolation and, although I hate the term, bullying.

    A couple of years ago, I had episodes of depression but still I had plenty of happy times: these three things had me on top of the world. I had friends, I had my own car (which, to me, means what a musical instrument or a pet means to most people. It's not just an objet to me.), and I...I had her. I finally had a her and it all seemed like a match made in heaven for a shy, tall boy who was nicknamed "Frankenstein" through highschool.

    All of a sudden, it all became a ****ing Queen song...and nope, not one of the happy ones.

    My best friends are gone, they've either drifted away without saying a word despite my attempts to come close again or betrayed me in the most painful ways possible. My car is in the shop because a year or so ago I installed a turbocharger on it and a local mechanic ****ed me up real good, now we're rebuilding the engine with another more trustworthy mechanic but little nigels and problems appear time and time again. The last time I enjoyed it? Well, it was the last time I was with her. What a ****ing awful coincidence.

    She was my first everything. My first female friend. My first female hug with someone outside the family. First kiss, first time in the bed. For ****s sake, she payed a $300 night for taking my v-card. Now she's gone for no apparent reason, after five years. We had such a great connection, so good that sometimes it felt we were living a cheesy as **** rom-com, I was never jealous, I have no substance abuse issues neither do I self harm me, never cheated...just had episodes of depression and bouts of low-self steem. All amounted to naught. She replaced me in an instant, something even more hurtful when you consider she had repeatedly said she'd be alone for a long time after being with me and that I had finally solved my self-steem issues and was rapidly coming out of my depression.

    I've heard of the three-days rule. I signed with myself a six-months rule. I'm cracking under pressure, however. I began to smoke when previously I thought of it as idiotic, I stopped excercising and I'm eating more than I should (already went from 120lbs. to around 140lbs. in less than a year), I can't pass a day without looking to the ceiling or the skies and asking "Why the **** am I not dead?".

    I'm tired of people saying I should "relax". I'm tired of people suggesting me to find casual sex and be done with it, of people saying it was "just a woman". She was more than that: she represented to me the beggining of a new era in my life, one in which I finally wasn't that constantly picked-on, geeky kid and could come out of my shell and grab life by the horns. Well, **** me sideways. I'm feeling like an impaled matador just when I thought I was dominating this corrida...and death can't come soon enough.

    Why? WHY THE **** CAN'T DEATH COME SOON ENOUGH?

    There's no love in this world. Keine liebe, meine freunde. I ache for some human contact, even though on friday night I laughed and spent all afternoon and all night with some "friends". But...****...I just...hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?
     
  2. Kid B

    Kid B Well-Known Member

    I can identify with quite a bit of that actually. Welcome to SF. I also had no idea you could play GT online, guess that is like on an X-Box or something? Anyway I am sure that others will come along and empathise - my thoughts on the current world are well-documented, I think it is a selfish and greedy planet now that is spiraling out of control, it is something you observe also it seems and why it makes us think "WHY THE **** CAN'T DEATH COME SOON ENOUGH?"
     
  3. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    My sincere thanks for your response.

    It's definitely not easy to live in our contemporary society. Plenty of factors make it harder than it was to live a healty yet fulfilling mental/spiritual life in previous times: the media, economic competition, overpopulation and the resulting social strain on the individual, hypersexualization, it just keeps on going. Oddly enough, my pesimistic opinion on the world itself isn't quite what's driving me to the point of suicide. I've always thought I can help somehow, that I'm a man that can change things for the better with my little day to day actions, my opinions and my writtings. But...I cannot do that all alone. I'm only human after all, I have needs both emotional and sexual: how can you stand up and take a stand when your stomach is empty? I haven't written in months, my creativity is drying up...I'm out of fuel. They, it, she...that helped fuel me. I cannot produce anything out of thin air, not a single sentence or a positive thought, after all, that's the way it goes with energy and matter. Sure, I can add some fuel on by myself...but it's barely enough to go by.

    Ah well, again, thanks for answering and for your sympathy. I'm particularly fond of that word since I took a course on Adam Smith at the uni. You'd think he was just the mean ****er that created the savage capitalism that is tearing our world apart but in reality his proposal was beautiful. The Wealth of Nations? That's supposed to be based on sympathy, and in a page of his leeeeeeeeeengthy discussion on sympathy he says something deliciously obvious: "Through sympathy, suffering is halved and joy is doubled" (or something along those lines! lelel)
     
  4. Kid B

    Kid B Well-Known Member

    You are most welcome and write very well if I may say so. What are your main interests? Do you write professionally, maybe poetry? Do you have a website or blog? Myself I have HFA (high functioning autism) which means I struggle with interpretation and people's intentions IRL and that is why writing and forums are good for me and my best way of interacting. I have interests, some obsessive but I do understand when you say you are feeling dried up, feeling lack of creativity to the point of inertia. And there's nothing worse is there when someone says I know how you feel when actually they don't, you don't feel that they do anyway. I am anti-capitalist also, hence my greedy world gripe. Also I am half a century young so maybe older than yourself but I recently became fixated with death and it's ultimate impact on my life but yet in my current situation (I believe I may be clinically depressed but this has not Ben diagnosed), I feel certain that if it were to happen for me now it would be a wonderful release. But I should not dwell on that point to close this entry, more to say that SF is a fine forum and has given me a small torch in the big dark room.
     
  5. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    I appreciate it! I'm too young to do it profesionally just yet but I've had a couple of shots with some projects I've started with "friends". One went sour, the other one is just starting and I'm somewhat excited for it. Besides writting and reading, which I don't do much as of lately because I sort of need to feel distracted or else reality kicks in, I adore motorsports, I enjoy studying german and socializing, the later being a whole topic in itself.

    As ****ed up as the world may be, you're showing to me exactly that what you say SF is all about and for that, again, thank you!