Each day I feel even worse, I've now got to the point where I deem this resource as a necessity. I slept most of the day, I just spent the rest of my time either watching stuff on Netflix or trying to find distraction in a RPing community to no avail. I tried playing a bit of on-line Gran Turismo for a change but I kept making dumb mistakes on my favourite track and I unplugged the damn PS3 out of rage. Now, without distractions, without metaphorical sedatives, my mind feels all the pain again. According to my shrink, I'm not depressed (i.e: I don't have a distorted view of either reality or myself). Neither I have self-steem issues, I'm a perfectly healty, 6ft. tall upper-middle class male with college education, long jet-black hair, fluent in three languages and with plenty of acquaintances. Yet, all I can feel as of lately is pain. Three very important things were taken away from me, things that to me meant having overcome the two biggest frustrations in my childhood: not being able to pursue a career in motorsports due to financial constraints and constant social isolation and, although I hate the term, bullying. A couple of years ago, I had episodes of depression but still I had plenty of happy times: these three things had me on top of the world. I had friends, I had my own car (which, to me, means what a musical instrument or a pet means to most people. It's not just an objet to me.), and I...I had her. I finally had a her and it all seemed like a match made in heaven for a shy, tall boy who was nicknamed "Frankenstein" through highschool. All of a sudden, it all became a ****ing Queen song...and nope, not one of the happy ones. My best friends are gone, they've either drifted away without saying a word despite my attempts to come close again or betrayed me in the most painful ways possible. My car is in the shop because a year or so ago I installed a turbocharger on it and a local mechanic ****ed me up real good, now we're rebuilding the engine with another more trustworthy mechanic but little nigels and problems appear time and time again. The last time I enjoyed it? Well, it was the last time I was with her. What a ****ing awful coincidence. She was my first everything. My first female friend. My first female hug with someone outside the family. First kiss, first time in the bed. For ****s sake, she payed a $300 night for taking my v-card. Now she's gone for no apparent reason, after five years. We had such a great connection, so good that sometimes it felt we were living a cheesy as **** rom-com, I was never jealous, I have no substance abuse issues neither do I self harm me, never cheated...just had episodes of depression and bouts of low-self steem. All amounted to naught. She replaced me in an instant, something even more hurtful when you consider she had repeatedly said she'd be alone for a long time after being with me and that I had finally solved my self-steem issues and was rapidly coming out of my depression. I've heard of the three-days rule. I signed with myself a six-months rule. I'm cracking under pressure, however. I began to smoke when previously I thought of it as idiotic, I stopped excercising and I'm eating more than I should (already went from 120lbs. to around 140lbs. in less than a year), I can't pass a day without looking to the ceiling or the skies and asking "Why the **** am I not dead?". I'm tired of people saying I should "relax". I'm tired of people suggesting me to find casual sex and be done with it, of people saying it was "just a woman". She was more than that: she represented to me the beggining of a new era in my life, one in which I finally wasn't that constantly picked-on, geeky kid and could come out of my shell and grab life by the horns. Well, **** me sideways. I'm feeling like an impaled matador just when I thought I was dominating this corrida...and death can't come soon enough. Why? WHY THE **** CAN'T DEATH COME SOON ENOUGH? There's no love in this world. Keine liebe, meine freunde. I ache for some human contact, even though on friday night I laughed and spent all afternoon and all night with some "friends". But...****...I just...hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?