please can someone help?

[lost_child]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum or not ~ I have problems communicating in sentences so I've tried to do it the only way I know. I need to talk to someone and yet I can't the words in my head when said outloud are muddled. I don't know how I begin to talk but if I don't talk soon it will end up killing me, please can someone help? maybe I'm asking too much and there is no way. I would do anything at the moment, I have 3 days to change my thoughts around.

sitting, wondering, questioning why?
How my life became this lie.
What happened and why did it come alive?
why after all the years that I managed to survive.

one morning I woke feeling dead
I couldn't function or get out of bed
the walls closed in, my life shut down
my mind, body was on shutdown.

Why had these feelings come to the surface
why couldn't it stay in the blackness
locked away never to be seen
why after all those years did it have to make a scene.

Was I ever a child, or just a toy
Did people realise my life was being destroyed
Why didn't I realise even thru the pain
that something wasn't right, why is it so hard to explain.

Even now sex hurts too much
I don't even like a man's touch
I'm physically sick as the pain becomes to intense
to me it makes no sense.

I'm an adult but still sex has the same meaning
closeness to a man has the same feeling
sex is dirty, it hurts, its not clean
closeness is unacceptable, it will cause u pain.

I'm freaked to love, to care or show emotions
i can't talk incase some listens
but then, the words I can't seem to explain
muddled, confused is all I feel how do I get it out to explain?

 

[liveinhope]

Im always happy to talk to u hun either on MSN in chat or by Pm please dont do anything we can chat we have done so before and we can again hang in there hun

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Dawn

 

[lost_child]

Bless ya hunni, I just don't know where to start everything is very confusing and a muddle that I don't know if I'm coming or going. I really don't know where to start. I sound so pathetic. Its all my own fault anyhow. I don't know why I'm fighting, when around the corner will be another blow. Silence is killing me, I don't hear human voices anymore, I don't have conversations with people, the only voice I hear is my own asking me to kill myself.

 

[liveinhope]

those thoughts andvoices are what makes us unsafe at times like this hun which is why we need to try and talk when we are in our darkest moments and people here will not only listen buy understand im sorry i couldnt talk to u longer today ill try and catch u later though pm anytime lost child im happy to listen hun :hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Robin]

Abuse is a violation of human nature, it's no wonder you have emerged different for the experience but you have to realise that it is NOT your fault, you did what you could to survive and you have done, you've done a remarkable thing, if you need someone to talk to just reach out here, pm your friends that you've made here, you can pm me too if you want, I'll be your friend, just because sex seems dirty to you doesn't make you dirty, you can be loved just like any other person :hug:

 

[lost_child]

I so want to believe you that I too can be loved, or experience what true love is. I know to beloved u have to first love urself, I don't love myself, I don't even like myself. To love myself is to love what the people who stole my innocence and many other things did, is to love the people who made me, me. I don't trust because the ppl I thought I could trust used it against me, I can't cuddle people because cuddles have a different meaning to that of feeling secure and safe, I don't talk of emotions as emotions should u were weak. I can't love because I'm now scared that love will be used against me.

I'm sorry going on again, sorry.

 

[Robin]

I've never been through anything as harrowing as what you have obviously gone through but I can empathise, while you can be loved like any other it remains to be seen whether you can allow yourself to be loved and return that love. It's possible as I know people that have been abused have gone on to raise a family.

Anytime you need to make sense of your feelings or just even to get them out into the open, post and if you want you can pm me, will be about :hug:

 

[hartmanmp]

i PROMIS you things get better, i know its hard to keep living everyday but stay strong.

 

[lost_child]

Most of the time i don't understand these feelings things, I'm 28 and my counsellor done a chart listing feelins and how you feel with each one because I don't know, people will find that almost impossible to believe just as much as I find almost impossible to accept.

I have 2 nieces and a nephew who I love and care for so much it hurts that I'm hurting them, that if/when I die I will hurt them I feel guilty for having su* thoughts, I feel guilty knowing I will hurt someone who is so young and innocent. so why won't the thoughts go. I need to talk to someone, my counsellor is great and very understanding but she's not always there when I need to talk, and I don't expect her to be either. yesterday she told me that its so clear that I have so much that I'm holding down and need to let go off that its making me so tense, she's right but I can't let go I don't know how to let go and I don't know where to start to talk. I'm sorry. I'm crap crap crap. I took an OD lasat nite, not enough to end it, didn't even make me feel ill, or anything. why can't I either be dead or happy or content.

 

[liveinhope]

hun im always happy to tk to u either on pm or msn dont give up there is an answer somewhere its just finding it thats hard sometimes but u have people here that care about u allow them to offer u the support u need right now
talk soon keep fighting

 

[Henry-hmm]

Your nieces and a nephew need you. They care about you and love you so much, they want you to be safe and happy but they are still young and don't understand so stay strong for them. Be strong for them, live for them.

I have a friend who's going through the same thing, she's 17 and she was abused as a child and betrayed by all the men in her life, her mother's boyfriend raped her and her mother accused her of trying to steal her boyfriend. She has been through so much and she's so lonely and scared, she's cold and afraid to love. When I touch her, just a touch on the shoulders, she moves away from me. It's so hard, I wish she would understand, she knows but she doesn't truly understand that I care about her and love her so much. I guess what I'm getting at is that I know how your nephew feels, your family and friends love you, let them in and you will see how much they truly care. :smile:

 

[lost_child]

I went to the place where my life was lost, the place I will die its triggered more memorys, i shouldn't have gone. why did I have to go.

 

[danni]

please dont talk like that hun, you know i'm here for you :hug: