Please don't feel the need to reply...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by zmonkey, Sep 30, 2011.

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  1. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    I'm only putting this out there to give you a general idea of who I am, so you have SOME idea of who's responding to your posts. I know I'm welcome here, so you don't have to reinforce that, and I probably won't come back here to check any replies to my introduction. This is meant to be a gift to you all of some insight into me, nothing more.

    I'm a male, 40 years old (41 in January), living in the NW part of the US. I've been suffering from depression for about six years now, ever since I realized that getting back into the job market would not be as easy as I once thought. Things have somewhat snowballed since then, necessitating me to move back home to live with my mother, who is now in renal failure and I help with various things around the home (she was diagnosed about a year after I moved home because I was broke). Moving home was a HUGE blow to my ego, and a drastic change in my lifestyle. People have varying types of relationships with their parents, and the most diplomatic way to put mine is strained... I often hide away in my room for hours at a time because we simply rub each other the wrong way. I can't seem to find the common ground for us, most of the time, and her alcohol addiction most certainly doesn't help, especially when she gets even MORE stubborn that whatever she does is perfectly fine in her own home, regardless of how it impacts me. While I fully understand that I am more or less a guest in her home, and need to make concessions for how she acts, I never really get used to the abuse, or her feelings of disappointment in me for not making more of myself.

    When things get really bad between us, I often think of suicide. It scares me, because I'm in such a bad place, mentally and emotionally (when you feel like you have no prospects, that you're isolated, and that the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally can't stand the sight of you, it's pretty tough).

    I know many have it a lot worse than me, and I do try to remain grateful for everything I'm blessed with in my life. I don't feel that I would be a drag to the people on this forum, or in life, or I wouldn't be here. I don't want people to necessarily share my pain, or help me feel better. I simply want to be understood, respected as a human being, and allowed to somehow crawl out of this dark metaphysical hole I've managed to fall into. I haven't sought professional help for my issues, nor do I think I ever will. I feel my issues, no matter how eloquently presented in verbal or written form, will forever be unique to me, and not easily understood by others. Communication IS key, though, and isolation tends to magnify my darker thoughts. So, here I am, not sure how much or how often I'll contribute, but pledging to you all that what I DO share will be done with the intent to make the depression go away and to live a full and fairly happy life. I don't want anyone else to feel like I do, which is why I'm reluctant to share what goes on inside of me, because I can be very descriptive and very dark at times.

    I suppose that's about it. I think it felt better to get that off my chest.

    Take care,
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks for sharing a bit of you hugs
  3. LostNerd

    LostNerd Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to SF. There are many people here for you. Don't ever be made to feel like you're alone :) :hug:

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Zmonkey!! Trust me when I tell you that tere are alot of us stuck in a deep dark hole..You seem to climb out and then BAMM your in another one.. Take Care!!
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the Forums, hopefully you can find solace here with us :)
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I know you already feel welcome here, but it's nice to meet you. :) Take care, z.
  7. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    Hey Zmonkey. Welcome to the site :)
  8. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    Just a quick note to say thanks to you all, and I did come back and check, obviously. Appreciate the acceptance and warmth from you all.
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