ive been trying really really hard not to lose it tonight....but im failing at that too. i just yelled at thorninyourside which i did not mean to do
so badly i want to talk out what happened january 2007 but i cant....that was the beginning of the end...and im afraid that if i do talk it out ill be in worse shape than i am now and wont be able to help anyone....im a lump now, ill be worthless as shit if i begin to release. Im trembling as i write this, been trembling for hours...my body is breaking down slowly, its not just my mind. people keep trying to make me talk but i cant, i wont. it wouldnt matter anyway, wont change the past or present. it cant put my life back together
i dont wanna remember that cold january night and yet it plagues me in my dreams and every moment i am awake. for the past several days its all ive thought about, my health is suffering because of it...i attempted suicide because of it and yet none of that matters. I never wanted to let my mama down and yet i have. school, work, barn, family its all suffering because of my inability to live with the guilt, shame, pain, memories of the past. therapy doesnt help, i forced myself to forget how to feel, to forget how to accept help...now im beyond help. nothing anyone could possibily do could change that. even if mom came back to life tonight i would no longer be her daughter. i wouldnt look into her eyes, i would shrink away from her touch. i have betrayed everything she ever taught me....i have betrayed her

