ive been trying really really hard not to lose it tonight....but im failing at that too. i just yelled at thorninyourside which i did not mean to do so badly i want to talk out what happened january 2007 but i cant....that was the beginning of the end...and im afraid that if i do talk it out ill be in worse shape than i am now and wont be able to help anyone....im a lump now, ill be worthless as shit if i begin to release. Im trembling as i write this, been trembling for hours...my body is breaking down slowly, its not just my mind. people keep trying to make me talk but i cant, i wont. it wouldnt matter anyway, wont change the past or present. it cant put my life back together i dont wanna remember that cold january night and yet it plagues me in my dreams and every moment i am awake. for the past several days its all ive thought about, my health is suffering because of it...i attempted suicide because of it and yet none of that matters. I never wanted to let my mama down and yet i have. school, work, barn, family its all suffering because of my inability to live with the guilt, shame, pain, memories of the past. therapy doesnt help, i forced myself to forget how to feel, to forget how to accept help...now im beyond help. nothing anyone could possibily do could change that. even if mom came back to life tonight i would no longer be her daughter. i wouldnt look into her eyes, i would shrink away from her touch. i have betrayed everything she ever taught me....i have betrayed her
You feel shame for whatever happened - are you sure you should? Is it something you wanted to happen? If it is invading your mind so much then getting it out in the open so you and your family can try to deal with it can only be a good thing. Therapy does not help, I understand but did you open up and talk or did you try to hide from it? It is natural to do so but the wounds only fester.
What happened in January 2007 isnt my fault but it is something that could have been prevented and thats what bothers me...things that should have been done differently... ever since mom died my family and i have been distant, they dont understand how im feeling at all and since then i have learned to keep it all locked up inside. it helps nothing to try and make them understand. I was forced into therapy when i was in college...and threatened to be locked up. so i have little trust for anyone like that...i opened up a little but it was never enough to help especially when ur locked in a room with someone you hate and u have no escape route.
