Please don't shoot me

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Mar 4, 2007.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :eek:hmy: Please dont shoot me, it's not my fault it came in me email :laugh:


    To the citizens of the United States of America

    In light of your failure to elect a competent
    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
    hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will
    resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths
    and other territories (except Kansas, which she does
    not fancy), as from Monday next.

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
    governor for America without the need for further
    elections. Congress and the Senate
    will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
    next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
    immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
    English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and
    check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
    'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
    will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
    the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
    by the suffix "ise."

    3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
    'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
    'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with
    correct pronunciation.

    4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
    vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
    "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
    interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
    "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication.

    5. There is no such thing as " US English." We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
    spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
    the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
    "-ize."

    6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
    Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
    Task #1 (see above).

    7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to
    be celebrated only in England . It will be called
    "Come-Uppance Day."

    8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
    using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
    need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
    should only be handled by adults. If you're not
    adult enough to sort things out without suing
    someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
    grown up enough to handle a gun.

    9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
    carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
    peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
    and this is for your own good. When we show you
    German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
    and you will start driving on the left with
    immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric immediately and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
    will help you understand the British sense of
    humour.

    12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
    you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US
    gallon. Get used to it.

    13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
    call French fries are not real chips, and those
    things you insist on calling potato chips are
    properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
    fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
    but with vinegar.

    14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
    aggressive with customers.

    15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
    is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
    British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
    European brews of known and accepted provenance will
    be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
    referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that
    all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
    English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
    required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
    experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
    cheese grater.

    17. You will cease playing American "football." There is
    only one kind of proper football; you call it
    "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time,
    be allowed to play rugby (which has some
    similarities to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
    wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
    nancies).

    18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
    reasonable to host an event called the "World
    Series" for a game which is not played outside of
    America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
    there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    understandable.

    19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
    us mad.

    20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
    Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
    to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    John Cleese

    Sorry all the peeps from USA but had to share it :laugh: :laugh:
     
  2. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    :hysterica :hysterica :hysterica

    Hilarious Terry, gave me a giggle :laugh:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have received this e-mail before so don't worry terry. It is too funny.
     
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    :goodone: :rofl: :hysterica :yes:

    I'm going to print this out and save it - hilarious!!!

    least
     
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    awww :hug: for all our U.S brethren....

    We should petition the Olympic committee to making bagging anything "American" an olympic event!! Woot.

    You know you love it!
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Matt I'd leg it now before they yanks declare a fatwallh on your arse :laugh:
     
  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :gun: 's down Terry. :eek:hmy: :dry:
     
  8. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Tis funny... but still :rolleyes:



    I too will print it out, but you're still in trouble! :laugh: :tongue:
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :eek:hmy: :unsure: :hiding:
     
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :laugh: :tongue: hehehehe MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! :hysterica
     
  12. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    looooool thanks for that
     
  13. AloneInTheDark

    AloneInTheDark Well-Known Member

    LOL! I didn't read it all, after the first line I realised I got this in an e-mail! It is hilarious as I remember :biggrin:
     
  14. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    I'm speechless (doesn't happen often).. but..

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
     
  15. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    Thanks for posting that, it made me smile :) It's a great one.
     
  16. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Why would anyone shoot you Terry? It's hilarious, no matter who it's aimed at... and one should always be able to laugh at oneself. We young arrogant upstart Americans could stand to be taken down a few pegs...:laugh:

    least
     
  17. Squiggles

    Squiggles Member

    I'm American, but I found this hillarious.

    It points out some humourous cultural differences, and also shows some problems in American society.

    Thanks for posting.
     
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