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Please don't shoot me

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Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#1
:ohmy: Please dont shoot me, it's not my fault it came in me email :laugh:


To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths
and other territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
"vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

5. There is no such thing as " US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to
be celebrated only in England . It will be called
"Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it
"soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World
Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Sorry all the peeps from USA but had to share it :laugh: :laugh:
 

LetItGo

Staff Alumni
#5
awww :hug: for all our U.S brethren....

We should petition the Olympic committee to making bagging anything "American" an olympic event!! Woot.

You know you love it!
 
#7
:ohmy: Please dont shoot me, it's not my fault it came in me email :laugh:


To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths
and other territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as
'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
"vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

5. There is no such thing as " US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out
Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to
be celebrated only in England . It will be called
"Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise
but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it
"soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World
Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated
to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Sorry all the peeps from USA but had to share it :laugh: :laugh:
:gun: 's down Terry. :ohmy: :dry:
 

theleastofthese

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#16
Why would anyone shoot you Terry? It's hilarious, no matter who it's aimed at... and one should always be able to laugh at oneself. We young arrogant upstart Americans could stand to be taken down a few pegs...:laugh:

least
 
#17
I'm American, but I found this hillarious.

It points out some humourous cultural differences, and also shows some problems in American society.

Thanks for posting.
 
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