I just want to hug you, Yiouka
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You don't deserve it! I want you to get a little piece of paper and pen... I'll wait... ... ... ... ... ... ... Ready? Now I want you to write this down:
"Just because someone calls me a mean name, doesn't mean that I AM what they call me. If I call someone a unicorn or a fly fisherman or a hippopotumus, that does not make them what I call them. This same rule also applies to others.
What I REALLY am: ..."
Then I want you to write down ALL of your many wonderful qualities (and you have many). Leave room to add more as they occur to you. If you are so down that you can't think of any, go to your most loving, trusted, REAL friend and ask them. Once you have a good list, fold it up and take it everywhere you go. Take it out whenever you need it.
I too wish that you realized that you are not the one who deserves to be punished for your so-called friend's actions. But if this doesn't seem possible for you right now, I hope you'll be kind to yourself and separate yourself as much as possible from those whose lives are so small and ugly that they have to project their own insecurities onto you.
Sending love and comforting energy... :console: