Please help, happy relationship is broken

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noone, May 13, 2015.

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  1. noone

    noone Member

    I am in pieces, i am in so much pain and don't want to continue anymore.

    I have been in a loving strong relationship for 12 years with a loving and caring man who always did everything for me and my son (from the previous marriage). We loved each other so so much. All my friends always used to say how happy and lucky i am. We were one happy family. We had plans for children and wedding. We did everything together. he never let go of me, we were so in love all these years!

    2 years ago my mother died and it threw me into a horrible depression and stressful times. I had to stop working as i was a total wreck , got panic attacks and my health deteriorated. At the same time my partner's company didnt do well so there were problems with salaries and we were struggling financially as well. Also the death of my mother had a huge impact on my son (age 18) who was living with her. Because of him falling into horrible depression we were having really hard time, i tried everything to make things better but he became aggressive and we always ended up having arguments. It would hurt me so much and i would become stressed and sad and depressed which reflected on my partner on daily basis. He was always telling me things will get better, and that he will do everything to sort problems and make us all feel better.

    At the start of this year he got a new job and things suddenly improved, we paid off all the debts, and made new plans and were so looking forward to the future. I was still struggling with my son and with my depression but i was feeling much better.
    My partner went abroad on business trip last week. Absolutely everything was perfect and loving up to that point. He stayed abroad 5 days. The last 2 days when we spoke on the phone i felt something wasnt right, and then he said we have to talk when he comes back. That was on saturday night. I was crying and begging him to tell me what happened, he just said we will talk, but i feared the worst! Since saturday i didn't sleep except a few hours last night only because i took several sleeping pills and i havent had a meal since Saturday. He came back on Monday and i found out he got involved with his co-worker and said he got feelings for her. I collapsed on the sofa couldnt breathe and burst into hysterical cry. He tried to calm me down and said he didnt expect this to happen. Said he has been under so much stress and that everything he tried to do to help me feels like he failed me. He says he loves me and loves my son, he says he cares for me, but he also says he has these new feelings for someone else and that he is confused and doesnt know what to think. He hugs me and says he loves me and he even cried while we were talking.

    I cry 24 hours a day. I feel horrible pain and emptiness. When i talk to him i tell him to remember everything what we planned , children , marriage , to remember good times, i told him i want to make him happy and i want to fix the problem. I told him not to throw away our 12 years. Only a few weeks ago when i had my birthday he made it so perfect. I got a card where it says - "thank you for 12 wonderful years and all the love and i am looking forward to the next 12 years to make them even more beautiful" He bought a beautiful cake, surprised me with several things throughout the day. The week before he left on business trip we made love and he was keep saying he cant live without me. It was wonderful like always.
    And then out of the blue this horrible thing happened. How?? Why?? Can someone explain i am so broken :(((( He only saw this person twice. They only communicate via internet. All i know so far is that it was all business talk until one day when there were some problems with her and people in the office going against her , something to do with work and my partner was the only one to calm situation and to be on her side and she got hooked to that i guess. And that she said she has feeling for him. And he said he only got feelings for her when he saw her last week.

    Is it possible to save my relationship? I can't let 12 years vanish into a thin air, he is my future, my soulmate, my life and i love him so much! :((((
    Since saturday i am just getting worse and worse, i just want to die. I am so heartbroken. He always used to tell me he would never hurt me, and i can trust him. And i trusted him. I just felt secure and loved. I really felt loved!

    Today i am in so much emotional pain i looked in my medicine cabinet what i have so i can take my own life. I found sleeping pills i checked what is the lethal dose and i have more than enough. They are sitting next to me and i am crying so much while writing this as if i cant save our relationship i have to end my pain. I do want to fight this, i want to save 12 years, but i am so scared it will not happen, i am so scared! :( I want this pain to stop and as much as i want to take these pills today i am scared to do it. I am so broken :((((

    Thank you for reading :(
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    12 years is a lot of history, despite a rough patch of a couple years, so yes, I do think it is possible to save the relationship if both are willing to put in the effort and if the understandable anger and resentment that is natural from the feeling of betrayal do not replace the pain you feel now if able to recover. I would recommend a therapist to help if possible, and will tell you another strategy that many will not agree with and I am not endorsing as a strategy because it is possible to backfire but I will say more often than not will work.

    Stereotypes are not all wrong, and with guys it is easy to move on on so long as feels like is getting both, but as soon as they feel a sense of loss as well most men are actually more vulnerable in the long term. While a woman feels pain of loss immediately, men do not feel it until it is actually lost in general , and that is why men so often have a change of heart about a break up a couple weeks or month after it happens, right when women are just starting t accept it. If you want your husband to be with you and cannot go the therapist route , take yourself away from him until he makes a decision. He will never choose so long as he has both. If you tell him not to come around until he can decide after a week of his new "fun" he will start noticing the things he is giving up to have the "new" and then will be far more in position to think about committing to you. Until that happens, in his mind and ego he still has you anyway so is no real reason to give up the new. Also, it could prevent it from becoming a habitual thing if clear you will only accept him if he is fully committed to you. Honestly, id he is not you may in the long run be better off to get through the pain now than have it stretch into years of repeat anyway.

    12 years is a lot of history- have confidence it is good enough to make the difference and make it clear it is gone if he "cant decide" and is in fact gone until he decides as well. If it is not, then it is only a matter of time anyway. I am very sorry for your pain, I do hope it works out however is best for you anyway.


    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  3. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    How old is he? how old are you?

    This sounds like mid life crisis for him if it is.

    Yes your relationship does have a chance of being saved. But for now just hold your son and see where things end up.

    Be thankful you have a son too. Someone who will ALWAYS love you and never leave you.

    Some of us are not that lucky to ever have children, I envy you to no end.
     
  4. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    I guess you need to work on yourself first.. the way you described it .. it seems he loves you a lot but having a very hard time with you. The key is to love yourself then only you can love another person. Else it's just I NEED you

    Just my opinion*
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Its very understandable how you are feeling. You just had a huge piece of your heart being hurt. The more it is rooted in you is the length of the relationship. Its too raw right now, give yourself some time to heal a bit. Maybe he was one of the reasons that gave you a purpose in this life, what about trying to give yourself a chance to find a new purpose besides your son.

    Sometimes affairs do make relationships more stronger than before when the couple is back together. Not want to give you a false sense of hope but its been done and possible but none of us know your relationship with him., only yourself and him know.


    What about doing something to distract yourself for the time being and just take it one day at a time and go from there.
     
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Well... the first thing I think you need to do, is value you :)
    K :)

    Without sounding condescending, you have gone through alot of things in your life. Remember that. Each thing you've pulled through. However well or bad, the thing is you've made it through everything.

    So that means, remembering that you matter. A relationship is 3 things to me. Who you are. Who your partner is. And who you are together.
    I agree with alot of what others have said. And I am truly sorry for what is happening. Just remember you matter. Sometimes it's scary... down right frightening. It doesn't mean what you want to feel in life is gone. It just means you have alot on atm. Be kind to yourself. :)

    And yes, depending on things, a 12 year relationship can be saved. But the true honesty is, you're going to have to do something quite difficult. You're gonna have to fight for You.
     
  7. noone

    noone Member

    Thank you all for your replies and thoughts. It does mean a lot someone bothered to read and to reply.
    I managed to calm down when i wrote my original post. He came from work and brought a big bouquet of flowers, prepared dinner and poured wine. Said he loved me and the rest of the evening it was almost like nothing happened. I was bursting with questions and the pain was unbearable but i did not want to spoil the moment. Is he trying to say sorry? I am so confused.

    NYJmpMaster and justMe7 : what you both said my best friend already told me too. So i hope there is a hope. I will fight to save this relationship.
     
  8. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    Maybe he isnt ready to give up 12 years for the feeling of a hollow orgasm... Maybe he came to his senses.
     
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I do understand not wanting to spoil the moment but if he thinks that he can have both of you, as Ben said, he is not under any pressure to make a decision and may very well continue to string you both along. I think it is important to clarify what you are and are not prepared to tolerate. That is not for anyone here to decide for you; you need to decide what you are willing to accept and lay that out for him clearly, then prove those lines by backing them up with actions.

    I hope things work out for you - the pain of a broken relationship is excruciating I know :hug:
     
  10. Hopelss

    Hopelss Member

    I agree with others on here, he needs to decide what he wants. You cant live with the uncertainty of his indecision, it will tear you apart and most likely ruin any chance there may be of a future together even if he chose you. You know where you are right now and what you want, he is the one that is lost, so sit down with him and try to talk it out. Once you have the confidence in yourself to accept an outcome no matter the way it goes you may be the guiding light that leads him back to the path and help him find his way. Communication is key, let him know in clear language where you stand, be the rock and then let him decide to stay on stable ground or risk the shifting sands of the un-known path (jeeze I think I will stop before i start sounding like a monk).
     
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's difficult to add on anything to the great advice you have already been given. Just want to say if you ever need to talk we're here and care :)
     
  12. noone

    noone Member

    Please someone talk to me i am so breaking into pieces again....

    For couple of days things felt promising, him buying flowers preparing dinner, gave me hugs and kisses, and were close in bed. I took it as a sign of him realising what he has done and wanted to mend things one way or the other. It made me feel so good.
    Yesterday he was coming from work by train and it was raining heavily and i decided to wait for him at the station with umbrella, something i always used to do. He sent me text saying he will be there in 2 min and would call me straight away. He didnt know i was waiting for him at the station i wanted it to be surprise. When he got out he was on the phone, i was walking behind him i thought he was calling my number but then realised he was talking to someone and it was her.... I stopped him he turned and his face went white. I was crying in the middle of the street asking question what the hell is going on :( He said she called because she couldn't sleep (it was 2am in China) I was out of my mind, i thought they communicate only via internet at work or text msg, but to hear she actually calls him ( or maybe it was him who called) it was too much!! We walked towards the house without a word. Then i said he broke my heart all over again, told him how i took flowers and everything else as a positive sign and he said he did want to make me feel better so i can eat and sleep again, and silly me thinking he is saying sorry , i was out of my mind so hurt, so much pain, i told him we need to fix this, i told him i am not prepared to let go 12 years just like that and i said i want him to stop this madness with a woman from the other side of the planet someone he saw twice in his life! I can't let some infatuation kills everything we have together! I would understand if we were like strangers for a few months or years even, but we loved each other, made plans, everything was wonderful until the last week, we booked plane tickets, hotel and festival tickets for the next week event in Germany, He did it to surprise me, he did it only 3 weeks ago, he said he cant wait to have a little holiday with me. We were so looking forward to it. And last night he said he cant go because he wouldnt enjoy himself. That he is unhappy, sad, stressed, depressed at the moment. Plane tickets and festival tickets are non refundable. This is horrible! This can't be happening.
    We were very close in bed last night he was saying he loves me so much but that he has these other feelings too and his mind is in mess. I just couldnt stop crying! He said to give him some space he needs to organise his feelings. I asked him to fix this mess i asked him to come back to me so we can work together on everything which wasnt right. And that i was prepared to make lots of changes for better. He would say he knows and that he is trying (to fix it).

    I dont know what to think anymore. Today i am back to my thoughts about tablets and ending all this i am so so scared. The pain is unbearable. I called two of my close friends and spent hours on the phone with them, they cried too listening to everything what happened. No one believes it. Everyone is in shock.
    I can't stand the pain. I am so scared to take tablets and overdose myself, i am really scared because i know there is no way back if i take them. So i am scared. I lost hope he wants to save our relationship.
    Someone give me some positive thoughts.
    Thank you everyone who replied so far.
     
  13. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    As I said you need to be stop running after him, you are trying too hard ..the more you will beg for him the more he would not feel for you.
    Life is more than just about staying with a partner .. bring back your self respect .. focus on yourself .. stop crying ..you are worth love and care .. if he doesnt care.. someone else will .

    just my opinion *
     
  14. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are not the problem. He is , and you need to make clear you know that. Tell him he is not welcome home unless ready to sit down and have a serious talk, to find some place else to sleep / stay, and make clear no matter how much it may hurt that you will not be "that woman" that allows this sort of thing, but when he has made up his mind please let you know and you will do the same. The way you fight for him is by not letting him have both. If it is just a fling he will see his mistakes in a couple weeks or month and that 12 years of history will have him crawling back to you. If it is serious, then looking weak and being horribly depressed in front of him will just remind him of the issues in the last couple years and will not help plus if serious it will be him that decides and you do not have a lot of control anyway so at least save your dignity. The opn;ly way to wind a fight for him is to not let him have both ways and take the things he loves and wants from you away from him until he realizes just how shallow a work affair while on a business trip is.

    :hug: I wish I could tell you how to make it hurt less while trying to go through this, but I cannot. You need to fight for yourself regardless- your own dignity and self esteem so when this is over no matter how it ends up so you do not feel even worse for having allowed him to treat you as less than you deserve.
     
  15. noone

    noone Member

    After my last post earlier i totally broke down in tears, sitting with tablets next to me and thinking what to do :(((

    I had to call him at work i know my mistake, he is also under lots of pressure because of some work deadline for Monday but he answered and went out to talk to me. I couldn't really talk i just cried like mad, i was going on and on to come back to me i totally lost it , stupid i know, so stupid! :(
    He said he was looking for places to move out as it is unbearable for him. I got even more upset because then i guess there wouldn't be any hope for getting back together :( I cant believe he would want to move out to hotel or something after we spent every night this week in bed close together with hugs and kisses.
    Then he said he is having a mental breakdown too and can't handle all this. Said it is as hard for him as it is for me. Said he is trully sorry for what he had caused but that i basically pushed him in arms of another woman :(((

    Then he said something which shocked me and i dont' know what to do...
    He said he will come home soon and we will have dinner and talk all evening if need be to sort this mess and see whats next and how to fix OUR future.....Said he decided we should go next week to Germany for that holiday and festival. And to try and have a good time like in old days and see how it goes. Also said he wants us to sort all the other issues and decide exactly who is doing what. I think i am still in shock hearing something like this. Why sudden change of mind?...Should i go along? :( It is a 6 day trip and i dont want us to be stuck there me crying him arguing or what not... Is it really worth a try? Does he really mean it? Last night he was clear he did not want to go as he wouldnt enjoy himself and could not relax.

    NYJmpMaster - I understand what you are saying and i wish i knew if it is a fling or serious... I guess something inbetween, if it was a fling he would be saying sorry and what not by now and wouldnt really have any connection with her anymore, if it was totally serious i guess he wouldnt be having long conversations with me and give me kisses hugs and closeness in bed and tell me he loves me... Am i right?

    Thank you all for your replies. It does feel good talking to someone and let it all out.
     
  16. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    I think you should go .. but be prepared to lose him ..be strong** (most important) .. enjoy the moment but don't try to please him ..
     
  17. noone

    noone Member

    Why do you say be prepared to lose him? :(
     
  18. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    because I feel .. he is just feeling sorry for you (coz of you crying and all extra efforts you are making) .. by clearing mess I guess he meant he wants to find a way to either leave you without hurting you or wants to try to fell in love with you again ..

    Are you the same girl he fell in love with .. or you changed ? stopped doing what you use to do

    Whatever happens, understand this .. Your happiness is not attached to him ..

    My advice is to make a (male) friend here or somewhere else .. and share whatever happens ..don't be alone*
     
  19. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    You okay ?:flowerhearts:
     
  20. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    Thinking about you and your issue all day.
     
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