Please help, I'm struggling, falling fast, I don't know what else to do. I've tried so many different things. I want to die, not because I want to die, but because I don't like the person I am, because I don't know how to handle the feelings that come up, I don't know how to sit with the feelings so to speak, I don't know what to. I'm stuck. I've not made it into work. I've sat counting, recounting, the pills I have and the liquid forms I have, planning, sitting, staring, counting, recounting. fighting, walking away, coming back. I'm stuck. Friday night, Mum admitted that she knew about the years of abuse, she cried and blamed herself. Said she asked me all the time if something was happening and I always apprentely laughed and said no, I don't remember any of these conversations. She then went on to say that ever since I was younger she always felt like I was more then one person, like when I would be banging my head against the wall, or rocking and mumbling she couldn't understand what I was saying and said it was like I was talking in another language and I didn't look like me either..she said she took me the doctors about it but the doctors told her not to worry. She said that when I would go into rage my eyes would be vacant and again i would talk extremely fast she said I seem possessed. she said she tried to help me, but as I said nothiing was happening, the doctors told her not to worry she felt there was no more she could do. I don't understand, how can someone give all these signs, clearly have something wrong and nothing be done. I still go like the persons she described but I never remember what I know call an eposide when I go like that. I don't feel i'm getting any better, in fact I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do. none of it makes sense to me, I don't understand. I'm don't know what to do. I am in psychtherapy, seeing a psychiatrist and on a waiting list to be seen my a psychologist but I just don't know what else I can do, I'm falling fast, I'm getting worse mentally and physically..I'm just stuck as to what to do. How can I even begin to start when I don't know why it happens, when it happens (although I think its when I'm havin istupid feelings, and normally around my mum, but not always and not always sure). My mum and sister-in law said to me on Saturday that I have been ill for years, my sister in law has known me since I was about 10/11 and said even then looking back I was ill..my mum said I've been ill since I was at least 18 months old/2 years old. I don't have a clue what's happening. I need answers, I need help, but how, where do I go. I don't know I don't get it. Its destroying me. No work again. how much longer, what do I have to do. :cry: I need help, but I don't know where to start. where to go, what to do. I am at the end of the road. I don't know what to do.