Please help? I don't understand. Sorry

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by lost_child, Nov 19, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Please help, I'm struggling, falling fast, I don't know what else to do. I've tried so many different things.

    I want to die, not because I want to die, but because I don't like the person I am, because I don't know how to handle the feelings that come up, I don't know how to sit with the feelings so to speak, I don't know what to. I'm stuck. I've not made it into work. I've sat counting, recounting, the pills I have and the liquid forms I have, planning, sitting, staring, counting, recounting. fighting, walking away, coming back. I'm stuck.

    Friday night, Mum admitted that she knew about the years of abuse, she cried and blamed herself. Said she asked me all the time if something was happening and I always apprentely laughed and said no, I don't remember any of these conversations. She then went on to say that ever since I was younger she always felt like I was more then one person, like when I would be banging my head against the wall, or rocking and mumbling she couldn't understand what I was saying and said it was like I was talking in another language and I didn't look like me either..she said she took me the doctors about it but the doctors told her not to worry. She said that when I would go into rage my eyes would be vacant and again i would talk extremely fast she said I seem possessed. she said she tried to help me, but as I said nothiing was happening, the doctors told her not to worry she felt there was no more she could do. I don't understand, how can someone give all these signs, clearly have something wrong and nothing be done.

    I still go like the persons she described but I never remember what I know call an eposide when I go like that. I don't feel i'm getting any better, in fact I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do. none of it makes sense to me, I don't understand. I'm don't know what to do. I am in psychtherapy, seeing a psychiatrist and on a waiting list to be seen my a psychologist but I just don't know what else I can do, I'm falling fast, I'm getting worse mentally and physically..I'm just stuck as to what to do.

    How can I even begin to start when I don't know why it happens, when it happens (although I think its when I'm havin istupid feelings, and normally around my mum, but not always and not always sure).

    My mum and sister-in law said to me on Saturday that I have been ill for years, my sister in law has known me since I was about 10/11 and said even then looking back I was ill..my mum said I've been ill since I was at least 18 months old/2 years old.

    I don't have a clue what's happening. I need answers, I need help, but how, where do I go. I don't know I don't get it. Its destroying me. No work again. how much longer, what do I have to do. :cry:

    I need help, but I don't know where to start. where to go, what to do. I am at the end of the road. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. k2hsharpe

    k2hsharpe Antiquities Friend

    Ah lost_child

    my heart aches to hear you describe in earlier posts how people treated you.
    You have every right to hate them for such a gross abuse of trust, for what they did to you, for what they allowed to be done to you.

    You have absolutely no need to feel dirty, you have absolutely no need to feel disgraced, you have absolutely no need to hate yourself for what they did to you. And you have no need to hate yourself for how you've behaved in response to their treatment of you.

    You only need to know that you are the victim of their appalling behaviour.
    You can know that they've damaged you in body and minds but please always remember that they can never take away the beauty of you that lives within your heart of hearts. This beauty never changes. And this beauty is visible to all of us that read your posts.

    I don't know how to help you, I so wish I did. Help is out there somewhere. Please keep reaching out for it until you find it.

    Please stay safe

    Kevin
     
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hun, you need to find someone that will sit face to face with you, make you feel at ease to speak your mind, say what is in your heart, be heard and understood yet a person that will set barriers and set things straight with you. I mean someone that will explain plainly what is what, why is - are things that way and say it plainly in simple language for you to assimilate and comprehend. A person tht will have the patience to explain, explain and explain again..... reassure you and show you a way to grab pieces after pieces to make a whole of yourself. Split personality? Normal you have gaps in you past , even present at that...... so what mom said would make sense and if backed up by your sister in law, someone you know since childhood then she saw what was going on in her childish eyes an dmind so no reason to lie or else. Now, you must feel lost with these new information and dont know where to start at... what to make of all this. Noting more normal than that Jody.

    Now, breath deeply and listen to music or change your mind watching tv or else and do try to find some peace withing. Do not attempt to process anything in the state of mind you are at the moment. Once you calm down, tell all this to your psi..... or better to ensure you wont forget details, important pertinent details about your childhood, do write them down on paper and hand it to the psi and save it for the therapist as well once you get to see him-her.

    Now hun pm me if you like and I will keep you company till you feel more calm ok?
    huggles hunny.

    granny xx
     
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Forgot to say that i absolutely agree with what kevin has said.

    i put it again here to emphase it

    You only need to know that you are the victim of their appalling behaviour.
    You can know that they've damaged you in body and minds but please always remember that they can never take away the beauty of you that lives within your heart of hearts. This beauty never changes. And this beauty is visible to all of us that read your posts.

    thinking of you always,
    granny :hug:
     
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