Please Help - I feel suicide is the only way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shawn2008, Aug 25, 2008.

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  1. Shawn2008

    Shawn2008 New Member

    This may be a long read but please hear me out.

    My name is Sean, I am 21 years old. As a kid I had an odd childhood. Nothing insane like drug-addicted parents or abuse, but my parents fought a lot. My dad had a bad temper and they were always fighting. When I was 11 my parents got divorced, and this greatly affected me. I remember my mom leaving due to alleged "domestic violence" (whether it happened or not is still up in the air) but she wanted to leave. She left without me and took my sister while I was on the phone with my aunt.

    I remember her calling and telling me to get out of the house because my dad was dangerous. He wasn't, and I knew he wasn't, but for some strange reason I just started crying, my aunt picked me up.

    I've always had "behavioral problems" as a kid. I went from counselor to counselor even a bit before the divorce. I was put on various medication like respridral and paxil, etc. These drugs were mainly due to my anger issues as a kid and "attention deficit disorder" (aka. being the class clown in school). I ballooned up on these meds due to the side effects.

    By the time I was 12 I was over 320 pounds and only 5'5. I had an extremely anxiety-ridden childhood from this point on due to my weight. I was constantly teased and was under psychological stress 24/7. I was the fattest kid at school and even though I was bigger than the other kids, I was still psychologically intimidated by the thinner kids.

    When I had just turned 13 I was talking to my dad on the phone (my mom and him were in a custody struggle at the time). My mom picked up and started yelling at him, so in a rage, I pulled a knife on her. I was so chalked full of psych-meds I was out of my mind and wasn't thinking. She called the cops on me and I went to Juvenile hall at the age of 13 for about a week. My dad picked me up and I started living with him.

    Things started to improve and I lost a lot of weight. I still had a lot of psychological problems and was very withdrawn and introverted. I was off all the meds though and doing a lot better overall. I joined the football team and lost even more weight. I encountered some bullying, but quickly turned it around, and I believe at this point I started creating a lot more self-esteem, as I was getting a lot bigger/taller and not as fat.

    After the football season I started getting in a lot of trouble at school for goofing off. I ended up getting detentions, etc. which ended my football kick due to the disciplinary actions that took up most of my time. My grades were always F's due to the fact I was bright, but also very bored and oppositional.

    I had a bad breakup with a girlfriend around 15 around the same time I ditched school for a year. I was diagnosed with a certain kind of "chronic depression", a degree of depression that statistically causes suicide in most people before they turn 20. I was sent to a lock down facility for rehab kids and those with behavioral problems. I had no drug problems, but I was just "defiant". That place was hell but I learned a lot and felt stronger when I got out.

    I went back to high school and got my diploma. Fast forward to my 20's. I've gained extreme confidence, even a bit of an ego. I'm no longer the 320, 5'5 chubby kid, but a tall 6'2 220 man with a full beard (people tell me I resemble Leonidas from 300, lol). I finally get in touch with my "witty side" and find a niche. I am comfortable, confident, and happy. I start doing political vlogs on YouTube to practice my public speaking and I have strong goals for life.

    Fast forward to 21ish (close to today). I get my license (procrastinated) and when I turn 21 I exercise my new photo I.D. I go out and buy some whiskey/vodka (which I've had before, just not on a regular basis), and that is that. I don't really get into the habit of drinking, and my drinking habits were around a couple large beers on a holiday, nothing major.

    However, I made a pact online that every time someone in the political realm on YouTube called me a specific name (not going to get into it), I would buy a bottle of wine from a specific country that said faction didn't agree with. It was a fun way of saying "call me this label, and you inadvertently support the country you hate by making me buy their wine". I didn't actually drink a bottle of wine per this insult, or I would be broke. I did however start blogging with wine.

    I found out how cheap wine was, about $2.50 a bottle here in Southern Cali and bout $7 for 2. A half a bottle turned into a whole one, a whole turned into two, two turned into 3 and 3 turned into me showing up at the store buying 5 liter box's of wine for around $10 each. I was 21 and having fun, even though it wasn't the best of habits. I had a high alcohol tolerance and wasn't doing too much hard liquor, mostly wine only.

    College was going well, I was getting the hang of driving, getting my drink on, everything seemed wonderful. A great girlfriend, passing time playing WoW, etc. My luck started to dwindle around May of this year. My bank account became overdrafted, I had to reformat my computer due to a registration issue with windows (and an extremely hectic feud with my dad over the timing of it as well as a frantic search for the right CD that lasted till the early hours of the morning), my transmission started to die and I went into a panic that I couldn't get to my classes.

    I had a motto, it went like this, "Hard liquor for hard times" I wish I could've slapped myself for even thinking it....

    I was into the Irish drinking music scene, and so I was also into the Pogues. I was in the store buying some Brandy when I spotted a bottle of gin on sale. I never had tried gin, but I did see Shane McGowan drinking it in an interview (Irish singer). I noticed it from the vid and decided I'd try it out. I figured it would just be another 40% alcoholic liquor like the rest with a different taste.

    Later on around June 6th I found out that my transmission was NOT broken. It was a bit worn down, needed an oil change, and someone had been filling it with crappy gas. I said, "hell, I'll drink the gin to celebrate then". I had drunk 5 shots of Brandy that morning on an empty stomach and got smashed off it the night before as well. I knew it was excessive, I almost DIDN'T drink the gin, but I kind of said, "what the hell". I decided to mix it, lemon juice and ginger ale (goes to show what an experiment this was, I never mix).

    I could barely taste the alcohol so I continued to drink. At around half a bottle or so, I remember it so clearly: I was killing Murlocs in World of Warcraft for a quest and had The Pogues "The Dark Streets of London" playing in the background. I had 4 out of 7 bars needed for my quest (they dropped off the terms) when I all of a sudden started getting short of breath. The music played on in a sort of mockery...."I like to walkkkkk in the summmerrr breeeezeeeee"....I took another deep breath...What was this? Why was I having to 'sigh'? What was this sensation?...the music played on..."Down dalling road by the dead old treeess"....*gasp*...."And drink with my friends, in the hammersmith broadway, dear dirty delightful old drunken old days".....I was gasping for air and the music played on, I couldn't catch my breath.

    I turned off the music, stopped drinking, and went to bed. The second I wokeup I noticed the sensation again, and I had a sort of tickle/cough sensation between my collar bones at the pit of my throat. I went to the doctor who told me it was just a hangover and to wait it out...waiting out didn't help it.

    Its now been 3 months, and I still have the sensation (constant non-stop tickling near the pit of the throat between the collar bones, it also hurts to take a deep breath and feels constricted). The shortness of breath is a lot less, it has no developed into difficulty swallowing, constant burping (especially when I sit down), gassy noises in my chest/stomach, fatigue, heart palpitations, dizziness after I eat, strange powdery stools, heart palpitations, and a coated tongue along with excessive salivation that tastes watery/sweet.

    I've been to numerous doctors, some suspected infections and gave me anti-biotics, others suspects psychological problems and gave me Ativan, nothing worked. A lot of them suspected "acid reflux" or "GERD", I never had this ever and I collect hot sauces and eat food that would give a healthy person heartburn, I never got it, so I kind of shirked off this theory. Nevertheless, they tried me on Prilosec, Aciphex, Zegerid, Protonix, and other potent antacid/PPI's, nothing worked. I had a barium swallow that was negative, along with lung checks from a pulmonologist and chest X-rays with liver and gallbladder ultrasounds, all negative.

    Finally, I had an endoscopy, they put a camera down my throat into my stomach and found nothing at all, aside from a small 3-4 cm sliding hiatal hernia, which they said was too small to cause any problems (and the naturopath/chiropracter I've seen whose job is to move hernias, says he can't even feel it), I suspect I've had this forever with no problems, and if it was a cause of "GERD", I would have felt it with the hot sauce long ago. In fact the burping/bloated feeling started after the endoscopy/PPI's.

    Anyway, the sensation never leaves, it is not accompanied or aggravated by food, I get 0 heartburn as well. So no doctor can really pin point this. I'd have to reflux 24/7 to get the symptoms 24/7, yet no irritation was shown, so it's very odd.

    I've dealt with these symptoms for 3 months. I went from thinking about my next drink/restaurant visit to obsessively searching online for the cause of my problem. I find it hard to believe one nights drinking caused a permanent condition. I've lost 25 pounds (from 243 to 217) in a month with no exercise. I barely eat, I feel like a shadow of my former self. I used to enjoy the small things in life, a diet coke in the morning, wine at night, eating at restaurants, yet I can't do this with ease anymore, and I have the constant neck/throat irritation.

    I am contemplating suicide. Yes, you may think it's minor, but it's not. I feel like I've lost myself. I cry every night, the depression from my teens has returned with a vengeance. I was never this emotional, and felt like I was on top of the world before all these symptoms. I can't take it anymore, I don't know if this is temporary or permanent. People keep telling me to hang in there and that it'll go away, but I'm sick of feeling like this and sick of wondering if it'll go away or not. It doesn't help that the doctors think I have "GERD", which supposedly is permanent, however, they aren't sure due to my unresponsiveness to PPI's, sudden symptoms, additional symptoms, etc.

    I can no longer function. I have college in about 7 hours from now and I'm up late writing this. 2x the amount of classes I used to have, and I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I feel like I screwed everything up with the gin, everything was perfect. I screwed up my 4th of July, my easy English final would've been perfect to enjoy in a better mood....various things happened that seemed to suit my old lifestyle, yet all I can do is sit here in brood. I'm living 100x healthier than I was when I was drinking, but I feel 100x crappier.

    I know this isn't a medical site, but I am seriously considering suicide. Please understand, I feel like I have to go out and bury my former self because I feel like he died. I no longer laugh, it hurts to laugh, and I'm constantly depressed as well as severely nostalgic for times before. If these symptoms lifted tomorrow, I'd be 100% ok.

    Can I please get some advice? I'm seriously thinking about just ending it all.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry to read about your medical problems. sounds awful, and the last thing you need when you are trying to concentrate on school and keep your grades up.

    sure, suicide seems tempting - for me, too, stress is a trigger that brings back all of those feelings. if you look around the site you will find some distracting techniques that you can use when the feelings are really strong, like journaling, or exercise, or calling the hotline. still, it can really help to get some other supports in place. you've found us, and venting here can really, really help. but so can seeing a counselor or other mental health professional. thinking about suicide is like a red light going off on the dashboard of the car, it just means that there's something not working so well and that needs looking at.

    as for the breathing problems, don't give up. has your doctor referred you to a specialist? sounds like they have tried everything else so it's time for the specialist to step in and take it up another notch, eh? have you been seeing the same doctor, or multiple doctors? if it is multiple, write down everything that they have tested for and all the medications you have tried and take it with you to the specialist.
  3. Shawn2008

    Shawn2008 New Member

    Hi Dazzle. The specialist I've seen was a gastroenterologist. I am not sure if he is any good because he seems more of the surgeon-type. All he did was sort of ponder at it and after awhile he just started throwing PPI's/Antacids at me.

    Someone suggested that I go to "Cedar Synai", "Scrips, or "UCLA medical" to see if they could look into it more. I feel like if I walk into a specialist/doctors office with my symptoms they'll assume it's just reflux. Whenever I go into a GP's office or try to find a second opinion, I often get what I call a "GERD" lecture. Since my gastroenterologist had me on PPI's, it's in my history, so a lot of doctors sort of find it hard to look past that, but the PPI's didn't work.

    It's very easy for them to say "the acid is coming up to your throat", but it makes no sense when I never had this before, and I don't regurgitate my food or have heartburn. They tell me contradicting things, like supposedly stomach acid burns the esophagus because it has no protective barrier, and even moreso with the throat/larynx area.....but supposedly people get referred to gastroenterologists from dentists who say their only symptom is the acid wearing away their teeth, it really makes no sense.

    The PPI/Antacid pill industry is a billion dollar one. I've even heard of some people going in for chest pains, receiving a GERD diagnosis for the pills, and going home and dieing of a heart attack. My gastroenterologist even told me he treated a woman with an earache on PPI's because he believed the acid was "coming up into her ears". It's a pharmaceutical hoax.

    I don't have anything against doctors, I just wish I could find one that would take the situation deeper and perhaps look into what could cause this. Acid reflux is kind of a catch-all, from cough to sore throat to stomach upset, it's a new term that was just stuffed into a myriad of symptoms and given an expensive medicine to hand out. It's also not a problem that someone just wakes up with one day without ever having it in their life.

    Anyway, I've been trying those coping methods, and will try the hotline as well. It's 8:49 AM now and I have class at 9:30 with a 30 min drive...I'm not even ready to leave...I am totally unmotivated, but I don't want to see me throw or slow my future down by having this problem affect my classes. I want to put it all on pause, but I can't, it's very stressful.
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Your last statement could be a clue to your problems. Maybe an ENT could check you out, then I'd recommend checking out the county mental health for a therapist. I'd be dead now because of stress, chronic depression...The therapist has brought me back among (or at least near) the living.

    Among the many coping skills I've learned are deep breathing, mindfulness and prayer/meditation. These things help me get out of myself and all my problems and move me to a safe place.
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