Please help! Last plea for a way out (if u have the time to read)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by foreverhurricane, Dec 5, 2008.

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  1. ok, so, this is probabley my last time asking for help. Im going to tell u my background,and then the current situation, however, Im going to try and make it easier to read by listing things.
    I've spent the last week writing out symptoms and triggers and researching (all for the purpose to help my therapist help me) and i have a feeling the more i write the worse i feel afterwards. The reason i am writing here is because i have called my therapist, i asked my best friend and my boyfriend to help me do things to alleviate the stress, and even wrote out a list for my parents. All of which, have refused or be unable to start the task. I think ,other than that, i've tried just about everything in the last week(shopping, i bought a puppy,i tried to have lots of sex, deep breathing, talking it out, writing it out ect. This is my loudest and final cry for help. I took some pills this morning, i dont really want to die but it is extremely painful to live, i dont have the money to go to a mental hospital, and my therapist said uprooting me from my apartment and school could make things worse. Say anything I can handle blunt comments I am open to ANYTHING. As long as you dont say "THINGS WILL GET BETTER" bc people have said that to me for 6 years and they keep getting worse. It sets me off when I hear someone say it, almost like its a curse. I appreciate you spending the time to just read what I have to say.

    Current Diagnosis: severe complex PTSD, and ADHD ( of which i believe to be correct)
    Previous Diagnosis: chronic depression, manic depression, possible borderline personality disorder(cant be diagnosed in 16 yr olds)
    Current Medications: vyvanse, lunesta, xyzal, yaz, klonopin
    Medications in my possesion: all of the above except klonopin, in addition to, trazodone, adderall xr, concerta, higher prescription dosage benadryll, and prescription zertyc
    past medications taken:8 anti-depressants, 5 adhd meds, 3 mood stabilizers, 2 sleeping meds...(basically im hypersensitive and running out of options)
    Past traumas: reoccurent child molestation by brothers friends at his encouraging, emotional abuse, parents verbal abuse, physical abuse from father, father recently becoming addicted to pain meds, complete violation of personal space from parents(reading of journals,underwear thrown out bc it was a thong,written things about personal feelings were copied and shown to parents friends, complete loss of control over bank account ect), isolation by 4 new highshools in one year, brutal murder of cousin 2 yrs ago involving a "metal and combustable objects", beat up and raped by ex-boyfriend 1 week after breakup, bullying fights and deaththreats from past girl friends
    ....needless to say things havent gotten better or have i had time to mourn or cope without another thing happening. I lack of trust in males and fear females (or any personal relationship), feel vulnerable or loss of control

    Most of the events i remember vividly except the extremely traumatic ones in which i black out and cant remember anything no matter how hard i try.Which leads me to doubt or have "what if this happened?" thoughts. The reason i know i was raped was from rumors and a gynocologist. I dont remember it happening.

    And it may seem odd that I can just say all of these things in a list, however, i have had my boundaries stepped on and hung up for me to see by my parents attempt to embarrass me to keep my room cleaner or make a point about how bad a person i am.

    Quick timeline:
    1) after constant and continually increasing violent bullying at my highschool until begining of sophmore year in which i broke up wt my boyfriend only to find I put myself in a worse position. Which led to rumors i had slept wt the guy and an increase in bullying, vandilzation of my home, and bullets put through my dad's van made my parents decide to move me to a highschool in the next city for a month, then a private school in florida when the quarter started
    2) I finally got the chance to mourn which led to a huge depression episode and i was first medicated, a week later I took 40 tylenol+codiene with a beer i found in the garage
    3) i survived and was sent to mental hospital(of which after a week away from my parents became the only truely thankful and happy moment in my life,in the meantime, my parents were despret to help and understand and they began putting recorders places and "taps" on my cellphone and internet. They read my journal, confiscated my poems of feeling sad, and any underwear that was black, when i had my final family therapy session they teamed up wt the psycologist to degrade me and call me names
    4) the suicide attempts occured 4 or so hospitalizations a year till I went to an engineering college 10 mins away (I wanted desperately to get better bc therapists kept telling me i would never be able to live on my own or get better
    5) i got a new therapist who worked with me, and since i was 18 my parents werent allowed to know and they were turned away when they called to inquire
    6) 2 years later im still having breakdowns and although suicide attempts have occured.They have not occured with pills,as frequently, or have been as serious.

    sorry this was longer than expected but im serious about getting the best advice

    Current situation
    I had a lot of therapy and progress during the summer so I was ready to go into my junior yr. I am a chemical engineering and biology double major. 3rd exams were a stressful period bc i had to get A's to seal a 4.0 of which i normally get 2.0's. There were e exams that were 2 hours long, and 1 was 3 hours and 45 mins, and they occured 2 on tuesday, 1 on wednesday, and one on thursday. While studying for the 1st one I had mild panic attacks, then flashbacks, then aniexty so bad i just sat curled up on a chair waiting for something horrible to happen. from lack of sleep i was being startled by seeing shadows or objects in my peripheral vision that resembled large men ready to murder me. I didnt go to any of the exams and my psycologist talked to my profs to get them to let me take it when i was better. However, i had finals the next week. On monday i had had 3 hours of sleep due to bursts of screaming after 5 mins or so of closing my eyes. My best friend came over to help my boyfriend by taking turns to stay up with me so i felt safer. Eventually my hands and feet started turning blue and my heart was slowing and i felt like i was going to fall asleep and never wake up. I had run out of vyvanse bc the previous week i had been so incapacitated i was afraid to call my doctor to write the prescription( due to adhd meds being a controlled substance) and i wouldnt be able to get the medicine until thursday. I have adderall as a bad up and took it that morning at about 4 am. since it starts working about 2 hours after i take it. Well I was on the floor having a panic attack and i curled up in a ball and was screaming bc i kept seeing things and i was having a flashback so real it actually felt i was being hurt. Then i couldnt stop mumbling finally i started rocking with my eyes closed in a tight ball, the rocking made me feel numb all over and strangely safe, and then my head started to nod side to side like an exagerated no. This lasted for 2 hours, my cat came and sat in front so i couldnt rock and meowed loud. I fell asleep for 2 hours and went to the exam, while in the exam i wrote my name on it (nothing else) and left crying. Later when i was able to attempt studying for the next final i found it hard to read, or if i read something outloud it would come out as a different word. when i tried to write i couldnt think of words to put and i sometimes said the same thing three times in a row without knowing it was occuring. I know that stress and pain attacks cannot cause brain damage so I know its safe to assume I'll return to normal, however, i get so frustrated and embarassed. It is now the beginning of a new quarter and i am retaking the finals and taking the exams i missed. Its hard bc i cant pay attention, i see spots or flashes, my heart races randomly, i have problems doing the math because the variables get mixed up and sometimes i write random words instead and forget what im doing. I hate it so much. I cant sleep bc im having mild panic attacks again, and i have been unable to attend some of my classes. I cant even start on the homework without feeling distracted or lost, i throw tantrums. As of now, i have missed 3 classes, 1 quiz and have not done 1 homework assignment. I have 2 more classes, a 6 hour final and a homework assignment to complete. I cant do it. I cant look at the books without getting short of breath, and im so fed up wt 3 weeks of daily reoccuring panic attacks or heart racing or being startled by shadows or peripheral shapes that i make out to be intruders. i dropped out of my soroity and none of the girls have talked to me since, so i have only my boyfriend and parents to talk to. When i asked my parents for help they said they cant. I called my therapist everyday when i was having a bad panic attack and waited for her to call back eventually she said that she doesnt know what to say or do but asks me to just calm down and that she thinks im psychotic and she strongly suggest i ask my doctor, with her recommendation, that i be put on heavy amounts of a strong anti-aniexty med and a anti-psycotic med which would mean i would lose my ability to function at school and fall farther behind. (again) she said she doesnt want me to go to a mental hospital bc i would be further isolated and may possibly lose sense of reality, and sense of self. the worst part of this was when i actually did reach out to people they refused to respond or refused my requests(like retrieving mail, grocery shopping ect). At one point i told my psychologist i strongly wanted to kill myself and i was scared i was going to do it and she simply said "no you dont, i know you dont want to die"

    Other information unrelated to background and current circumstance

    I have done extensive research, and writing in the last 3 weeks and i feel 5 different ways ( most of which sound like self-pity, sorry)

    1) I cant handle stress bc my ability to cope is broken and therefore i wont be able to continue living on my own, ill have to be around my parents more, and it hurts horribly to think I just cant handle a few exams. I hate feeling so weak and worthless or, moreso(?), problematic or dangerous to other people

    2) If i hadnt put myself in those situations to begin with or stuck up to the bullies and my parents I wouldnt have been isolated and lost control. Its my own fault for hanging out wt the wrong people.

    3) maybe i exagerated those things that happened? i mean... i dont know ...what if i have said them so long that i believe that they happened when i had initially lied to make an excuse for my bad behavior like taking pills which led to depression ect.

    4) bad things happened, its not my fault, however, if this is the case i will always be fearful bc i have absolutely no control over what happens no matter what i do

    5) ive lost my parents and my friends, my boyfriend allows me to take pills apparently if i want to commit suicide then he doesnt want to stop me. Im only hurting these people anyways. Once, my parents said they wished i had died bc it would be cheaper then staying a week in the ER. im really far behind in school, the aniexty wont stop, im not going to get better , my therapist doesnt know what to do, Im taking a lot of prescriptions daily already. Either i die or i hide in my apartment till the heat goes off next week bc im too afraid to leave and get my mail, or i starve to death or i fall asleep and dont wake up from being afraid to sleep.

    The truth is i have already taken some pills and but before i reached the harmful overdose level i wanted to make a last attempt to ask someone to give me some advice, give me some instructions, say something to help me see there is a way. All i see is 6 years of mental breakdowns and panic attacks, always feeling drugged up, i feel like im an orphan bc my parents dont want to have anything to do wt me in this matter, all of my friends have left once they saw i was unstable (i dont blame them, im scared too), my boyfriend has never known any of the traumas ive encountered and talks unsympathetically like "come on, just relax" and "its not that hard, once u do this ull feel better". I wont feel better, im drugged up all of the time, and once i finish a few things I have to worry about harder exams, homework, and quizes. I have thought about a mental hospital but i dont have money to pay for one, i have a cat and a dog, and everyone would find out i was emotionally disabled and i probabley wouldnt be let back in to the school. since i take the bare minimum amount of credit hours each quarter I cant drop any classes, if i did i would lose the scholarship that pays for my apartment and food.

    P.s.
    ive tried exercise, dbt, group , outpatient, inpatient, cognative behavioral therapy, thought stopping, anger management, self-therapy, workbooks, talking, redirecting "learned helplessness", light therapy, drug therapy, thyroids have been checked, im taking hormones and others.
    The problem is that its a huge web and its difficult identifying the main cause things go back on each other and most of it i can only remember so much of. Looking at it from a different view sometimes dissociates me in total.

    thanks to my boyfriend whom has helped me write this

    thanks to this forum for giving me a last bit of hope to try and reach out and to stop me from continuing to attempt suicide with that hope
     
  2. I hope i followed the rules
     
  3. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    not to worry hun, you did follow the rules. i have cognitivity problems so long posts are a problem for me but i can offer you a :hug: be patient dear, this site is international and we dont all log on at the same time. Others will follow and answer you.

    granny
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, foreverhurricane,

    There's been an awful lot on your plate. Most people would be struggling at least as much as you are if they had endured so many different traumatic experiences. You show a lot of insight in recognizing that you need to do some grieving. When lots of losses occur, no matter what they are, we end up really hurting because they pile up one on top of the other. It takes time to get over things like what you've gone through.

    I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and hope that you continue with therapy. Sometimes the docs need to adjust the meds (amounts, kinds) before they really do help someone to feel better. You could raise this issue with your p-doc/therapist/family doc - whoever prescribes your meds. (It does sound as if they're trying to find that magic combination for you, but feedback from the person can be helpful.)

    Stand tall and proud for having the courage and wherewithal to have gotten through the things you have gotten through! You are a survivor. I think you will find that the anxiety and panic decrease as you allow yourself to mentally and emotionally process all the hurtful things that have happened. Be patient with yourself - processing like that takes time, it's not an all at once thing. Maybe panic and anxiety are sometimes a safety mechanism to tell us to slow down for a bit when we try to take in or deal with too much.

    I don't have any special answers, except to be good to yourself. We tend to be harder on ourselves than on other people, so be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else who endured so much. And please, don't hurt or kill yourself. You'll find lots of people on this site who care and who will be very supportive.

    Big :hug:
     
  5. Thankyou for replying and writing such nice things. I think ur right, I do need to be patient. All it takes sometimes is someone to come up and say wow look at all of that stuff and ur still here!Things are trying to pull u down and u made it through 2 years of college on ur own. Yeah, ive given in before and attempted suicide but at the end of today it was what i have needed for the last month. I felt a sense of relief and accomplishment for writing all that down. I didnt take any more pills. Sometimes all it takes its one more day and everything lets up. I paced for a while after writing this then i got up and said if i can do this(go to school), its friday, im going to give everything i have, im going to take all the energy from frustration and worry and aniexty and push through this. Im not going to be afraid and live in a dark room forever and im not going to let fear make me live in a mental hospital for the rest of my life. I went to school, guess what?! my hw was pushed back until tuesday, my final was pushed back till next friday and I regitered for the class before the deadline. (*deep sigh*) Im going to do something nice for myself like suggested, maybe a long bubble bath? Im glad that most of the weight is off my chest. It helps to come home to hugs, even if they are only internet ones.
    Thank you very much, it feels better to have encouragement.
     
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