My post could be very long... but i will try to make it as short as possible. Please read and if you can help at all i will be greatful... My mom has had a long history of suicides, but they turned from infrequent to frequent and from attention seeking into real unwanting to live. When I was 16, my mom took her first turn for the worse. During this time she became severely suicidal and began using self harm as a way to cope. I was scared all the time, I would get sick, I would worry until I shook uncontrolably, ect. It was a horrible time, where I never knew if I would see my mom again, no matter if i was leaving her room or leaving the house. I became a sort of homebody. I slept in her room with her, I listened while she was in the bathroom, I wouldnt leave her. These were the first times I had first hand experience dealing with her suicide attempts, not just being told about it. When we left the state we lived in, things began to get better. But only as much as the could. My mom has severe reccurent depressive disorder and also has an undiagnosed illness that keeps her mostly at home and in bed, which causes her to be even more depressed. And she has been to tons and tons of doctors, and had extensive periods at the mayo clinic where no one seems to be able to find the answers she needs to get better physically. My mom used to be the most active person I know, and she misses that. Well, I am 20 now. And around 18-19 I started wanting to be able to do my own thing and work and go out with friends. This did not go over well and we were always mad at each other. I feel like I am trying to grow and mature and build a life for myself and she doesnt understand it. About 6 months ago, my mom decided to move to a new state to be near a great medical facility to try and get answers. I was planning to go with her, and leave the person I am in love with to do it. Well, after a big misunderstanding, my mom slashed all four of his tires on her way out of town. So I decided to stay with him. My mom didnt like being away from me, and I felt like I didnt know who she was so we didnt talk for awhile and my mom had more attempts while she lived away from me. It's not that I don't care, I've just had to seperate myself from the situation because it is so scary and feels so out of my control. I'm pregnant now, and my mom just moved back to the town I live in. This is NOT going well. She is very hurt and upset and feels like I am not the person she raised and wants her back and the relationship we had. I am trying to be here for her and nothing is working anymore. On her first day back in town she attempted suicide again. This was a couple of days ago. She was very close and they kept her in the ICU. She said that she didn't even have any regrets when it was happening. She literally has NO DESIRE, WHATSOEVER, to be alive at all. And I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I went to the hospital, and that didnt mean anything to her - she said i looked like i didnt want to be there. I am staying with her at her place and she keeps asking me why i'm here and saying i should go stay with my dad, whom she knows annoys me as ive told her multiple times i avoid and ignore him and she keeps saying we have some great relationship and i should go be with him and how she fought for custody and to keep me away from him was all a waste and how she wishes she had just never cared at all or tried to be a good mom. I tell her she was, she doesnt believe me, i tell her i care, she doesnt believe me, she doesnt believe anything I say at all. Now, it's getting to the point where i can't even live my life or be myself. I can't get upset or show emotion. I can't go to my dads house, or she will kill herself. I can't sleep over at my dads house to be with my boyfriend when he is in town 4 nights a week or she will kill herself because she is convinced my dad and boyfriend have a great relationship and since she is a better person than my dad she doesnt feel that is right. So essentially, I cant see the person im in love with or the father of the child in my stomach as i am 6 months pregnant (because they dont get along and he wont be around her) or she will kill herself. We have been planning to move in together for months about 45 minutes away in july or august and she has known this, but now if i do she will kill herself because she is convinced she will never see me. She is mad because i am working while i am pregnant. And i am a junior in college and she was offended i went to class because "if i cared i wouldnt have gone". I'm not trying to sound bitter, I need to help her. But after all this time and today i am starting to believe there is nothing i can do. She has doctors, she has medications, she has seen theripists, she has gone and stayed at treatment centers, nothing helps and nothing works and my family is all starting to realize this. Today, she told me "goodbye, do whatever you want, you will anyways, its been a nice 20 years" and when i tried to reason with her and tell her how things really are she got REALLY upset and started screaming at me and honestly it scared the sh*t out of me.. and made me so angry and was so hurtful that i almost left.. because when you continually tell someone how something is and they believe nothing you say, it is very hurtful. She wants a relationship but its almost like she is trying to destroy every possibility of that at the same time... and i have no clue what to do anymore. She was VERY mean today and really scared me. And I don't even know if i want to be here anymore.. or how she can expect me to give up my ENTIRE life and anything i want and constantly threaten me with her life, saying "someday i'll be dead and you will feel guilty for the rest of your life" and things like this... what i really want is her to just be happy and for us to be able to have a normal relationship where i can still be my own person and have a life. but she doesnt seem to understand this concept and takes everything as being something against her.. which makes me just want to be with my boyfriend now and escape all of this.. but i cant, because then i wont have a mom.