Hello this is my first time posting and I don't know exactly how to begin. I am a 36 year old female, people say I look 25-26 I think I am having a nervous breakdown, I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I can remember but I was diagnosed at 20. I used to selfharm and I've attempted suicide lots of times and I have been on a psych ward three times. I had a stillborn baby 5 years ago and I am divorced. The death of my baby has taken an incredible toll on me, I no longer believe in god and I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I can't be around babies as a result I've lost a lot of friends since all of them started to have kids and they became uneasy because I haven't been really able to "get over it" I don't have ANY friends just a coworker who I consider my friend but she's leaving the country soon. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have a boyfriend but he constantly lies to me and I haven't been able to leave him because I love him and I am scared to be completely alone. He has been the first and only guy that is pretty much like me. We have or we used to have lots of things in common. And I hold on to that. I can't tell him how I feel, his ex girlfriend is this ray of sunshine always positive and I am so dark and broken. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I used to have two friends but they just used me and when I need them they're always busy so I stopped talking to them. My family has never really understood me, I live with my parents both elderly so I can't talk to them or rely on them anymore if something happens to me like if my car breaks down or I need a ride I can't call them. I feel so lost its hard for me to do anything at all. I've been crying all day and I feel I can't walk or swallow. I don't want I don't think I can kill myself because I'm scared I won't be able to see my daughter. There's nothing more I want that to be with her. I want to see her. I feel as if I don't exist anymore. I live in a country that is very close minded and i don't have anything in common with most people I listen to metal and 80's stuff and dress different from almost everyone here. I've never fitted in. I have been very lonely most of my life and I don't know anybody that has the same mental illness as me. People make fun of me and call me "dark and emo". In everyone's eyes including my family I have just one emotion: bitterness and anger. There's nothing more far from the truth; I am sad, I am alone, I need someone to listen to me or just give me a hug, I need someone to ask me how I am or to notice that I'm slipping away. Even one of my therapists told me once that he knew that eventually I would kill myself. I have been told that I am beautiful (I don't see myself like that) and that I am very smart. I don't feel that way, I feel ugly, fat and dumb... and old. Everyone seems to avoid me. I am a nice person and extremely empathetic. People even makes fun of me because I feed the stray dogs and cats I find. I can't seem to fit anywhere and if that hasn't happened by now it won't ever happen. Please help me, please I can't take it anymore and my parents see me crying and they never ask me what's wrong. I don't exist anymore and I am scared that if I kill myself they won't even notice. Please be kind. And I'm sorry if my English is not the best. Its not my first language.