Please help me. I can't go on.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DelusionalDECADENCE, May 21, 2009.

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  1. I joined this forum in the hope I could vent some of my feelings and find some people who could listen and help, but I'm feeling worse than ever. Not because of the forum, just life getting me down.

    I'm going to ramble about my situation and how I'm feeling at the minute in the hope that somebody, anybody will take the time to read this and help me, just let me know I'm not as alone as I feel, let me know that somebody took the time to care.

    I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm beyond help. Although past experiences with other people tells me otherwise. I feel so desperate, I just can't take it anymore. Every waking thought I have is spent thinking of a way I could stop feeling like this. I just need a relief, I'm so trapped by my own thoughts and memories I can only see one way out. I am strongly apposed to suicide as I see it as playing God, so I hate myself for thinking it, but the only escape I can see is death. I just don't want to feel anymore, I'm sick of pretending everything is okay and that I am the happy cheery girl everybody thinks they know, but I'm not. I never have been, and I can't keep up the act much longer.

    I used to have a relief, a way to stop me feeling so overwhelmed, but my parents took that away when they found out. I used to self harm, I would cut anywhere on my body that wouldn't be seen. I tried so hard to protect my family from my pain and when they found out the punished me as if it was my fault. Things have never been the same since. And now I can't get my relief and have permenant reminders of the pain I caused etched into my skin.

    I should probably explain why I hurt myself, what I needed relief from. For as long as I can remember up until I was about 14, my step grandad sexually abused me, not to mention the mental and physical abuse that came with it. My parents recently found out and the police were involved. Somewhere down the line everybody except my immediate family decided they didn't believe me and that I get some sick kick out of destroying a family. They now hate me. My Dad has lost his Mom and all of his siblings, my younger siblings have lost their granparents for no reason to their belief and my Mom has lost all trust in anybody. Today the police phoned, the bail they placed on the monster has been lifted and he is now allowed access to me and worst of all, children without supervision. So all of the anguish I faced when telling the police every miniscule detail went to waste as he is free to hurt whoever, whenever.

    This is not the only reason I hurt myself but it is a major one. I hate to say I've had a bad life because I feel guilty, ungrateful and as though I am complaining, but I know this isn't a good life. I blame myself for everything that happened, after all, I am a worthless child that deserves everything I got, but I hate to feel that it was entirely my fault, what could I have done to deserve my life to be ruined before I even had the chance to live it?

    Please help me, please just tell me that somebody cares, because I'm starting to feel more worthless than I thought possible, and I can't go on like this for much longer.
     
  2. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Cassie Honey do not feel guilty about your family your step granddad is the only one who should feel guilty. Proud you turned him in. Please keep on posting here. People do care. Take gentle care of yourself.
     
  3. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I do care. We care.
    You did not deserve any of what you got. That is for sure.
    It sounds like things have been rough for you. I can't identify with sexual abuse but I can identify with wanting to die everyday. I know how it feels.
    If you are seriously contemplating... get yourself to a hospital. It really isn't that bad and maybe they can set you up with a therapist or something if you don't have one.
    Please keep yourself safe :hug: :heart:
     
  4. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Cassie, I am so sorry for what you've been through, I know it must be so hard to keep fighting, but you must always remember you are NOT to blame for any of it!! I have not been through what you have, and I have never cut myself... but I DO know the feelings you share in wanting to stop feeling... feeling trapped... putting on a fake smile everyday so people think I'm okay.

    I really hope you can find some help!! And as I tell many others, I have many of my own issues and problems, and don't have all the answers, but I am always happy to listen and talk to anyone who wants to! Feel free to PM, email or MSN me anytime!

    Sending you lots of hugs! :hug:
     
  5. AGoodGuyInABadPlace

    AGoodGuyInABadPlace New Member

    God that's awful. Why do such things happen? It makes me feel helpless and broken.

    I can't really say I identify with sexual abuse, but I've been mentally abused by a step for my whole life. I'm 22 and have only vague hopes for a better life. I'm stuck at my family house, hunting online for a job abroad(I live in hungary), and I can see the end of my strenght, the real end, where there is nothing left.

    I do relate with feeling guilty and all those negative emotion..this is what you get along with the hell of being abused. It's not you, it's the abuse scar left in you. Try to ignore these thoughts.

    Hell of a consellor, ain't I?

    Well I'm better with the PMs. I think. Anyhoos if you wanna keep this thread going, I'll be up to date with it.

    Have I even brought anything to this ?

    *sigh*

    Hey maybe you can get a job some place new and leave them all behind? It's gonna get you lost for awhile but you will be better off this way. Waaay better off, like. I know I'm gonna give it a shot. Because I don't want this anymore. It's been too long.

    I'll be back tomorrow.

    TC
     
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