I joined this forum in the hope I could vent some of my feelings and find some people who could listen and help, but I'm feeling worse than ever. Not because of the forum, just life getting me down. I'm going to ramble about my situation and how I'm feeling at the minute in the hope that somebody, anybody will take the time to read this and help me, just let me know I'm not as alone as I feel, let me know that somebody took the time to care. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm beyond help. Although past experiences with other people tells me otherwise. I feel so desperate, I just can't take it anymore. Every waking thought I have is spent thinking of a way I could stop feeling like this. I just need a relief, I'm so trapped by my own thoughts and memories I can only see one way out. I am strongly apposed to suicide as I see it as playing God, so I hate myself for thinking it, but the only escape I can see is death. I just don't want to feel anymore, I'm sick of pretending everything is okay and that I am the happy cheery girl everybody thinks they know, but I'm not. I never have been, and I can't keep up the act much longer. I used to have a relief, a way to stop me feeling so overwhelmed, but my parents took that away when they found out. I used to self harm, I would cut anywhere on my body that wouldn't be seen. I tried so hard to protect my family from my pain and when they found out the punished me as if it was my fault. Things have never been the same since. And now I can't get my relief and have permenant reminders of the pain I caused etched into my skin. I should probably explain why I hurt myself, what I needed relief from. For as long as I can remember up until I was about 14, my step grandad sexually abused me, not to mention the mental and physical abuse that came with it. My parents recently found out and the police were involved. Somewhere down the line everybody except my immediate family decided they didn't believe me and that I get some sick kick out of destroying a family. They now hate me. My Dad has lost his Mom and all of his siblings, my younger siblings have lost their granparents for no reason to their belief and my Mom has lost all trust in anybody. Today the police phoned, the bail they placed on the monster has been lifted and he is now allowed access to me and worst of all, children without supervision. So all of the anguish I faced when telling the police every miniscule detail went to waste as he is free to hurt whoever, whenever. This is not the only reason I hurt myself but it is a major one. I hate to say I've had a bad life because I feel guilty, ungrateful and as though I am complaining, but I know this isn't a good life. I blame myself for everything that happened, after all, I am a worthless child that deserves everything I got, but I hate to feel that it was entirely my fault, what could I have done to deserve my life to be ruined before I even had the chance to live it? Please help me, please just tell me that somebody cares, because I'm starting to feel more worthless than I thought possible, and I can't go on like this for much longer.