Please help me, I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Asil, Nov 11, 2015.

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  1. Asil

    Asil New Member

    For the last few weeks have been, for lack of a better term, a roller-coaster ride of emotions, though up until tonight they had been mostly positive feelings. Three weeks ago my boyfriends co-owner informed us that he would be moving and we would need to move to the bottom apartment (for good reasons that I don't need to get into here). I was excited, we were going to be able to move in and make it a home together, instead of one moving into the others space and try to fit in somewhere, we were going to be able settle into our new home together. I was really looking forward to finally getting the opportunity to start setting roots down with someone to finally have a place where I felt at home...I have a history of jumping around, never really staying around long enough to get comfortable...
    My boyfriend began really stressing about the whole thing (he had been in the same place for the last 8 years), the more stuff we packed the more overwhelmed he seemed to become, but he remained affectionate towards me, apologized for stressing saying not to worry, said "I love you" (and not just if I said it first)...
    And then tonight when he gets home from work he tells me that he doesn't think its working anymore and that he doesn't feel like he's still in love with me and he thinks it's best for us to end it...for me this is completely out of nowhere and not something that I'm at all prepared to deal with (and we're not even finished moving in). He seems to think it's too late to try to work things out to figure out what's wrong and try to fix it...
    I feel I should mention now that I have a history of depression and have made several (unsuccessful) attempts on my life. Over the last 3 - 4 years I have been able to manage without pills, have developed a better control on my thought, that can sometimes spiral quickly towards my darker corners. I can't say that in that time I haven't gone there, I have been better able to just push them aside...but I've fallen back into my "pit" before and I'm scared that if I fall again I won't make it out this time.
    I can't help but think of the past, try to find all the similarities between my many failures in order to confirm that it must somehow be my fault...I, somehow, don't deserve to be happy.
    I don't want to go back down that road so I'm reaching out here as an attempt to prevent it...I feel very alone and stupid right now and just want someone to talk to - to help me stay out of the dark
     
  2. Asil

    Asil New Member

    I feel like I probably just sound like a whiny unhappy teenager, which makes me feel worse still, considering I'm almost 40 and apparently still can't quite a handle on my emotions...I think this may be my last chance to reach out before I end up doing something stupid...
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do not feel whiny or stupid you are suffering a loss of a dream a loss of a life you wanted for yourself you are grieving yet now for what should have been. It take two to make a relationship work so it is not all your fault if the relationship breaks up. You can move forward you can but right now it is hard If possible perhaps get some therapy some support to help you through this ok even if you bf does not want couple therapy go on your own ok the therapist can help you cope with all the sadness you thoughts you are having.
     
  4. Kamilla

    Kamilla Member

    I'm going through an awful breakup too. It hurts worse that he's marrying another girl. The pain will fade eventually. It sucks and hurts sooooooo badly I know.
     
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