please help me (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Emptysoul, Dec 10, 2009.

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  1. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I’m not sure if this is in the right place and it proberly covers several forum subjects (depression, rape and others) but here goes anyway. some of this is just background info but it shows what has led me up to this point.

    I’ve been really depressed for the last couple of months I get waves of depression, its very confusing and hard to take. I’ve also had to take some tramadol for my back as i was in a bit of pain for a while and they really messed me up as usual but there the only thing that works. if i ask the doc for something different thy will only give me something weaker which don’t work. anyway i lost a few days no idea what i did lol. my sex drive has gone into overdrive which is weird because normally i just lose it completely. Anyway last Sunday night (6th December) i was grabbed/attacked from behind by 2 guys (arm tight round my throat, it still hurts) i tried to struggle but they pinned me down and punched me in my nuts several times then handcuffed my hands behind my back. they then shoved some underwear in my mouth and put a mask over my nose and mouth and covered them in poppers and taped them on. i got high on the popper really quick which i think just made things worse for me. they carried on punching me in my nuts and around my back, head and ribs and stomach.
    i was on a picnic bench incase your wondering, i was only there as the guy i went to see didn’t turn up so i went to this quiet place i know to calm myself down b4 i went home there is never normally anyone around and I know this place really well, i didn’t even hear them coming and its all there so no idea where they came from, its gravel and water everywhere,
    anyway next they pull my trackie bottoms down and punch me more in the bollox and squeeze them really hard in their hands and more punching, this goes on for what seems for ever, their laughing and joking with each other as they go on.
    anyway i hear them say they think someone’s coming and they force me to my feet, i don’t want to but they persuade me with a few more had punches. they half force me/drag me down this muddy path. I’m seriously panicking, cant breathe, hyperventilating i think a large amount of this was the poppers but not all. anyone who has had poppers this way might just understand this.
    anyway their taking me down this path, one in front with a torch and the other behind me with his arm incredibly tight round my throat. eventually we stop somewhere and they make me lie (well push me) face down on the muddy ground my trousers are still around my ankles. They start punching me more in my back, head etc and squeezing my nuts. Then one decides to get on top of me, tries to strangle me from behind with his arm and he forces his dick inside me and he was big and fucks me for ages, strangely it didn’t really hurt, I don’t know why but it just didn’t. During this I know I passed/blacked out a few times, don’t know how long for tho. I think the other one might have decided to fuck me but I’m not sure but they did cum in me. They punch me some more, remove the handcuffs and leave. I stayed on the ground for a while its was really cold. I get up and manage to get the tape off from my head and well that’s that. I don’t feel upset by it and now I think about it it feels slightly erotic even tho it hurt like hell, I don’t understand why I feel like this I should feel really upset but I don’t its just as if it didn’t happen to me even I know it did.
    I’ve got some really nasty bruises now which really hurt, nothing like a little pain to remind you your still alive

    The next day a mate rings me up for help, he had just split up with his bf who has kicked him out making him homeless. I arrange with my mum to let him stay at ours for a couple of days, she was quite reluctant but I brought her round. She is on her holls now so he can stay for another 6 days max if he needs too.
    He is a former heroin addict and is on methadone from the docs/hospital to help him off it along with various other meds. He did take a little heroin yesterday (wens) and I was there when he did it. I don’t agree with it but I wont try and force him to do or not do anything he wants to unless I see it as completely necessary. At the end of the day its his life and he is the one who has to make the decisions and take responsibility for his actions. ultamley only he can do this. I got a friend of mine to come over last night and they had a long chat and hopefully today we can start helping him more effectively and start sorting out his housing problems out along with several others. Now me and me friend don’t want him to slip up and I’m serisoly worried about him. I will do all I can to help him, I pritty much have no money which makes it slightly harder in some ways but I wont let him down and will do whatever it takes. I trust him and he completely trusts me and I will not let him down, id sooner die. He has really bad sleep problems ( just couldn’t sleep even with meds) and since he’s been round mine he’s slept for a good solid 8 hours each night and he’s even eating properly now, he’s quite under weight. I’ve got no appetite but I will eat so he does
    Now here’s why I’m writing this post.
    I’m all ready seriously depressed and I know I’m getting worse. His situation is really stressing me out. My sleep problem is getting worse, I’ve had maybe 12 hours sleep since Sunday and that’s all very broken sleep. All this is making me feel 10 times more depressed. He knows I’ve been depressed but not to the extent I’m feeling now. I cant show him in case he starts to think he’s causing it all and buggers off and puts himself in real risk of harm. He can look after himself physically but I don’t think he will cope mentally and he cant go to his family and has few friends and will end up living on a street somewhere. I cant take that risk.
    I’m putting a brave face on it all and I’m not showing how I’m feeling. I’ve got a mask of relative calm on my face even though I’m panicking inside, want to cry (even tho I cant, I haven’t for over 2 years) and I really just want to give up but I cant for his sake. I want to end my life but I cant for his sake and I’m thinking about it almost all the time . I’m cracking up slowly
    What I need from you people is any advice you can give me about the situation and any help for me as I just don’t know what to do. I’m balancing on a very sharp knife point and I don’t want to go the wrong way. Please help:sad::sad:
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry things are so rough right now...please speak to your MD and let him/her know how you are deserve to feel better...big hugs, J
  3. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    im sorry I dont know what a MD is
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    MD medical doctor or your regular doctor talk with him and see if he can set up some therapy to help you to deal with all this. Maybe can give you some medication to help you as well with depression You deserve to feel better and be happy so try to get some help for you okay
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's deep. Therapy would definetely be the best thing, but might as wel have a chat here...

    I'm guessing the attack and money problems is the cause for your depression? And the fact that you have a burden to carry [your friend]?
  6. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    money problems are stressfull but thats cause i just cant get a job, the depression has many influncing factors but not dealing with getting raped about 2 and a half years ago has a big influance on it.
    its the problem of my mate being made homeless that is making it so bad. i cant let him down incase he ends up living on the street and ends up back on heroin again. hes also got bowel and many other problems like depression etc so things are not looking good for him. if i let him down who knows what things could happen to him and if something did happen i just couldnt live with myself, i would feel responsible.
    Its putting a massive burden on me that is just too much to cope with along with everything elce that is going on. i want to die but he has said thaat he would kill himself if i did and i REALLY think he would do it too so not an opition.
    its a really messed up situation and i just dont know how to deal with it and its what i need help with. some coping stratigies or something that can help me deal with it before i go completly crazy
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Maybe your friend should see a doctor, or find a shelter and ask for information about therapist, about places to stay, a rehab center and other things that he might need to get his life back in track...

    the thing is about friends its like this following phrase:

    You can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink

    meaning you can bring everything to your friend but if he doesnt take it, he's not your gotta learn to let go...when he really wants the help he'll find you...don't sink yourself further into depression because you ill doesnt help anyone... heloing yourself is helping others...

    Also sometimes all friends need is a listening ear...they don't necesarily want solutions...that can be hard to accept but its a reality in friendships
  8. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    Ive sorted out my friend, hes now got somewhere to live, got a doctor and dentist and things are starting to look better
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    that's great! You are a great friend, to have helped him like that. Not many people have your quality. Don't take it for granted. :IrishDoll:
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