Please help me PLEASE...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by bluedays, Jun 10, 2009.

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  1. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I am a 24/7 caregiver for my mom, who is suffering from eyesight probs and beginning dementia. I have a husband who is doing the best he can but I feel like he deserves better and should leave me.

    I have suffered depression & anxiety all my life. I am overwhelmed and suicidal right now. This is all my life is without a break. The only respite I have is sleep, and even then I worry. I wake up full of panic and dread and cry a lot.

    We are so far in debt that even with my mom's social security, we still can't pay all of our bills. If she's placed somewhere or passes away, not only do I have the extreme and enormous grief but we're effectively homeless immediately. So I am just stuck. My family can't or won't do much to help. My in-laws hate my guts.

    I am trapped into a declining situation that has nowhere to go except to get worse. My stress level is far beyond any resources or coping.

    I've been tempted to check myself into a hospital for exhaustion but I can't, because #1 we can't afford it, and #2 that leaves nobody to watch my mom constantly as she needs and the stress on her would cause a decline in her situation.

    Death sounds like an escape.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Do you have any type of insurance?

    Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? It might help to at least have his support, know he's there for you. And if he's willing to be there, to show you that he cares, try not to push him away by assuming he should leave, or he deserves better.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Not sure where you the US many certified home health agencies have respite care just for this reason...please discuss your feelings with your mother's physician to see if s/he has any information...sorry you are feeling so very low and trapped...big hugs, J
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry for what you're going through! I really relate to what you're feeling. I'm taking care of my dad right now, and though he's in his own place, I'm dependant upon him financially, somewhat, as well. Its such a hard place to be in! And taking care of a parent 24/7 is hellish. It's not like raising a child at all - its much more difficult. I tried living with my dad to tend to him and couldn't. It put me in a bad situation as I gave up everything I owned to move in to tend him, then due to his senility and narcissism, I lost the rest of what I owned when I moved him into the nursing home and left. So I totally understand what you're feeling. This is part of the reason I'm financially dependant on him right now (and he likes it that way).

    I wish I had answers for you. The only thing I did that saved my sanity was moving him into the place he's in now and leaving him. I still take care of him - but from more afar. This gives me some releif. But the cost (for me, and it sounds like for you as well) was high for my sanity - and my sanity is still questionable. I find venting about it really really helps a lot. Sometimes it even finds an answer.

  5. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the support... I am hanging on by a thread right now. I've lost 12 pounds in the last week, I can't eat or brush my teeth without gagging. I am so, so exhausted. And sleep doesn't help the fatigue at all, it's just a brief escape even though I worry in my sleep.

    My husband knows how I feel, he sees it... and he is really supportive to me but he's also stressed and anxious. He works full time & I'm home on disability, and we still aren't even close to making it financially. We have no time alone together at all. I have thought of respite care but I don't know if she's "sick" enough to qualify by Medicare standards. I have nowhere to go and am barely dragging through errands and basics. I am emotionally destroyed to the point where getting a "sitter" to come in so we can leave for an hour wouldn't improve my mental state - when we're gone, I'd probably just cower in the corner of the truck and cry the whole time.

    Honestly I don't know how to deal. Sometimes I think Mom is dealing with this a heck of a lot better than I am. Today, when she's pretty lucid, she said that it didn't scare her not to know where her bedroom or bathroom was last night and not to be able to find them. It scared the heck out of me though. I am ever-vigilant for the next "slip".

    I don't see anything beyond this. No time to try to get myself emotionally healed (I am on depression and anxiety meds but they don't touch where I am right now), no time to ever have a normal marriage, any happiness, anything to look forward to.
  6. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I talked to my brother today asking for advice & support. He yelled at me and told me he was sick of me calling him when things are wrong. He accused me of making everything "all about me" when I told him I was calling to find the best way to care for Mom, and he hung up on me.

    Even if he thinks that is true in some way, then wouldn't he want to see to it that SHE gets better care?

    My mom can't find her way to the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and has been getting progressively more lost all day.

    I can't do this anymore. If I had the ability or strength for suicide I would probably do it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2009
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hey, Blue...

    Mike here, I'm listening to you and...

    Believe me when I tell you I can relate!!! I am a 24/7 for my mother and have similar situation with my brothers and sis. They really don't understand what I'm going through.

    Are you in the US? It probably doesn't matter, as I understand that elderly care is tough to come by pretty much everywhere. Just curious, as far as jobs, and economy, go in general.

    If you want, I am certainly willing to talk to you via pm. We probably have a lot of issues we can share.
  8. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    Thank you shades, thank you. Yes, I am in the US. It helps to know someone is in a similar situation. It would be very helpful to hear how you cope emotionally, what kind of help you have, and how your mom is doing.
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