im so lost im so scared do you think <edit methods> will be enough to kill me? do i want it to be..? I don’t want to be here anymore, all I can see and feel is this black and gaping hole inside me. Nobody is there fore me, nobody asks or checks how I am coping.. and how can I expect them to? I don’t open up, don’t give anyone a reason to belive things arnt right. When I was 11, my family was falling apart, I moved schools and lost all my friends. All these changes set off my depression, and it spiralled from there. I used to get home and cry, cry at the gaping hole which my feelings consisted of, I walked around on ‘auto piolot’ – perfecting the mask and building the wall. I started cutting myself to relieve the pain, to stop dissacociating and feel real, to control something. I wished for a masked robber to kill me so I didn’t have to put my family through knowing I killed myself. I took overdoses regularly, pushing it a little further every time. When I was 13 I went on holiday, met a guy, i didn’t want to do it, but he forced me down. At 14, Matt, my mums partner, died from a heroin overdose, the shock, betrayal, grief and need to look after everyone else pushed me deeper. I looked in the mirror and hated myself, I stopped eating, I restricted, I would go to my dads house after school, cut, binge and purge. At 15 I found drugs, a temporary and false happiness which was amazing compared to the black hole I had been living in. I found warren, someone who understood..and abused it. Took my love, my trust, and turned my world upsideown with his compulsive lies and manipulation. At 17 I quit warren, I quit drugs, self harm and being depressed. I started therapy, and medication. It worked. I went travelling at 18 and it was the most amazing thing ive ever done in my life. At 19, I returned to england and started university 3 weeks later, and the rollercoaster began. A constant up and down, earth crusing lows and giddy uncontrollable highs. An old drug friend killed herself, I could have helped if I hadnt cut them all out of my life. At 20 I took my own life. And I was finally free.