please help me please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by i_amjade, Aug 16, 2011.

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  1. i_amjade

    i_amjade New Member

    im so lost im so scared do you think <edit methods> will be enough to kill me? do i want it to be..?

    I don’t want to be here anymore, all I can see and feel is this black and gaping hole inside me.

    Nobody is there fore me, nobody asks or checks how I am coping.. and how can I expect them to? I don’t open up, don’t give anyone a reason to belive things arnt right.

    When I was 11, my family was falling apart, I moved schools and lost all my friends. All these changes set off my depression, and it spiralled from there. I used to get home and cry, cry at the gaping hole which my feelings consisted of, I walked around on ‘auto piolot’ – perfecting the mask and building the wall. I started cutting myself to relieve the pain, to stop dissacociating and feel real, to control something. I wished for a masked robber to kill me so I didn’t have to put my family through knowing I killed myself. I took overdoses regularly, pushing it a little further every time.

    When I was 13 I went on holiday, met a guy, i didn’t want to do it, but he forced me down.

    At 14, Matt, my mums partner, died from a heroin overdose, the shock, betrayal, grief and need to look after everyone else pushed me deeper. I looked in the mirror and hated myself, I stopped eating, I restricted, I would go to my dads house after school, cut, binge and purge.

    At 15 I found drugs, a temporary and false happiness which was amazing compared to the black hole I had been living in. I found warren, someone who understood..and abused it. Took my love, my trust, and turned my world upsideown with his compulsive lies and manipulation.

    At 17 I quit warren, I quit drugs, self harm and being depressed.
    I started therapy, and medication. It worked.

    I went travelling at 18 and it was the most amazing thing ive ever done in my life.

    At 19, I returned to england and started university 3 weeks later, and the rollercoaster began. A constant up and down, earth crusing lows and giddy uncontrollable highs.
    An old drug friend killed herself, I could have helped if I hadnt cut them all out of my life.

    At 20 I took my own life. And I was finally free.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2011
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You got out of this spiral once, you can do it again.
    Go see your doc and get the ball rolling for the help you need :hug:
  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    When you returned to England, and started college, that's when your problems started up again. When you returned back to your usual life, you fell back into your old habits.

    Maybe you need to move, and live somewhere else, or maybe even in a different country (you said you like traveling). To start an new you, you can't keep living where the old you lived. You have to seperate yourself from people who still behave how you used to.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are in university there are doctors there councillors to get you helphun Get back on the medications for your depression okay Talk to your doctor get some help NOW okay before you spiral even more You can get control back hun you can reach out now okay talk to a doctor now and get feeling better hugs
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your life so far - -some horrible things have happened for sure - but abusers cannot take that part of us we give freely.

    Guys and drugs? Dump them. I'd limit my intake for the right woman - but I don't use silly drugs like heroin, coke and speed and so on. Woman think that some junkies are just flawed and they can save them. forget that - any man using heroin needs to clean the f*** up and get sorted out.

    Glad you quit using - and your are a strong girl for having been through so much then travelling around! Wow - so young and you done that? Where did you go?

    As for university - try again! You can become someone with an education - I regret not being educated young - because I'd be so intelligent now that I'd likely work out I was an idiot!

    Thankfully, my IQ is enough to make me think I'm stunningly sharp!

    As a butter knife!

    Anyhow I_amjade I hope your first post here is not the last!

    Please reconsider your plan to end your life at such a young age.

    What treatment have you had so far?

    What are you planning to study?

    And - a nice man will turn up - one without a needle hanging from arm and not enough cash to take you on a date!

    but get your life sorted bit by bit first.

    Surviving tonight is a step in the right direction

    Hope you can come back to say you are still with us - and explain more how you feel.


    My deepest empathy - I know how you feel for sure.
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Moving is just as stressful.

    If you have roots in England - family - friends, then its best to stick it out for university.

    Travelling - its funny really - I always feel GREAT travelling anywhere. But you stop travelling and settle somewhere - its a gamble the dark side might decide to lay claim to my meanderings.

    You don't know who you will meet. I'm a man so have that safety - for women its different.

    And the things with people - maybe I'm just older - but no matter where I go - no matter who I meet - rich, poor, black white or whatever - people are the same. The difference is that NEW people do not seem as flawed as those you know. Well - you don't them! Not yet.

    People are the same - but that's good because I only really hang about with nice people. I guess I could go into any cafe, bar or any social situation and spot someone nice to talk to.

    I had a conversation tonight with a nice girl from Derby - she turned up in the pub and my brother is like - well, my pimp! The sick son of a gun! But he is funny - and a great charmer of woman! I go for the intellectuals ones - but my bro - thinks I should just go for the drunks ones. Its hard for a guy to say the men in the pub "I actually just wanted a conversation" - lol - but a man has many needs! I don't want to hear someone drunk on half a bottle of vodka chat about TV.

    I don't watch TV - don't own one - and I do NOT, I repeat NOT want to talk about imaginary characters on a TV soap opera!!

    I can see myself hanging off my balcony if I ever, ever have to SUFFER a conversation about soap operas.

    God!! Save me! From - er (looks for someone else to blame!) MYSELF.

    Any other men feel the way I do here?

    Or are you like my brother and think that I should be just grateful?

    My bro would chat with a women all night about soap operas - when he was single! But - what to do? I keep meeting woman who talk about TV - but its like I'm listening to a foreign language - a life which I really don't know about - and which seems to actually make some women feel that I am actually strange for not knowing that Blah Blah stabbed whoever last Tuesday on EastEnders (A UK soap opera)

    I have obviously watched TV - sure if I go back to any woman's place - invariably - the TV is on - or gets switched on. I once watched a recording of EastEnders (she invites me back - and watches the TV!) and I got to say - I felt suicidal just watching it! I think one of the characters was drinking booze and popping Prozac - and talking about suicide!

    I'm watching it and feel like killing myself most days - but I don't - just like I don't rob a bank most days - or any days. I think about it!

    Anyhow - what am I saying?

    Sorry to I_amjade - for going on! But maybe it will take your mind off things - I think that's all we can do sometimes - I mean - we do not want to think about suicide too much - NEVER keep it to yourself jade!! Be open, find someone in your life you can talk to and open up to.

    Also - you got us here - I live 30 miles from you! Others live right by you - a few woman - as it is safer maybe making friends with other woman - especially those who - like you - have suffered at the hands of horrible men who I would dearly love to bury in the sand up to their necks as the tide comes in.

    But - the tide of life will turn against ANY man who lays a hand on a woman! Such men are already doomed - miserable bas***** - and I thank the God for the that.

    My prayers for you also. You may not believe - religion is a joke - but I think there is a higher power - no, not the electricity pylons - I mean, something or someone created us - for a purpose - and that purpose is......

    I'll let you know this weekend when I get radical with a few pints of beer and whatever else a sensible rock and roller might bring into the mix.

    I think you are a strong women - you are a survivor and you are also a nice person whose path in life has been temporarily diverted.

    Stick with us for 50 posts - if you think we are not going to help then try another 50 - then so on.

    Some days you might despise yourself - nights also - the night of the dark soul!

    But you CAN make it - and I swear that one day you will look back at this post you made - and see a big improvement.

    Sorry my for own hijacking - I think I got upset over women talking about soap operas. Sorry if you like soap operas! Me and my big mouth!

    Anyhow - I'm off to watch Eastenders and die!!!!!



    I'm only playing!

    (I hope!)

    Tee hee.

    Hey mum --- :love:

    Peace y'all!
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