please help me, share your wisdom, what should i do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ripx, Nov 30, 2006.

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  1. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    i just don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my 'life'...

    I'm 20, never had a GF, naturally a virgin, have very few friends, albino, legally blind, and cant hold down a conversation to save my ass.

    firstly, i am albino, and in case you don't know what this is, i have VERY platinum hair, its pure white in some light, and very blond, with a yellowish undertone in other lights. because of this, i have been teased countless times growing up, elementary was hell. However, now that I'm 20, the past is the past, and i can care less about how i was treated back in the day. As i got into high school, i became to develop a bit more courage when it came down to defending my self. I got into a few fights, and people soon understood that i wouldn't tolerate any open insults about me: in front of a large group of people.

    Today, i have accepted the fact that my life will be shit weather i like it or not, and thats totally cool. However, my main gripe is with other people. Do you know what it feels like to be stared at in public pro longingly by EVERY FUCKING PERSON YOU PASS!? well, that pretty much describes my life, unless I'm wearing a tuke (which is why i prefer winter) for whatever reason, i cant remember it bothering me when i was younger (high school) but now, it seems I'm reaching my breaking point. constantly knowing that people wont give you a fucking second of privacy, not fucking growing up, and instead of acting like adults, they have to stare at me like a bunch of Neanderthals staring at their reflection in the lake. Ive reached the point insanity; i literally want to kill anyone i catch taking a gander at me. I fantasize about grabbing their throat and ripping out whatever matter i can get a grip on. But of course, in the end, i understand that people are going to stare, and if i was in their shoes, i would be staring too probably. lets see, to wrap this paragraph up ill add, I'm also cross eyed, my eyes uncontrollably 'bounce' all over the place, and people are always wondering why i don't make eyer contact, they assume I'm perfectly able bodied.

    now, suppose people do look past my appearance (which has happened many times, i wasn't exactly a loner in school) then theres the blindness, this is easy to hide, unless they ask me to do something that requires good vision, like reading something small or far away. pathetically, i managed to hide my disability from my best friend for 4 years or so, and the minute he found out, he pretty much abandoned me. i still talk to him, because deep down i know he doesn't care, but he is so fucking superficial that he just doesn't want to be the guy hanging out with the blind loser. i know I'm being a total hypocrite for saying this, but he is pathetic for caring about what others think. instead of being a leader, he leaves me to go off and be a bitch, literally, hes their bitch when hes with them. When hes with me, he act all cool and stuff, but the second someone he thinks is cool walks in, he treats me like dirt.... fucking loser. In all my experience, the only time i was accepted for my disability, was when i had something that people could use me for, or when its in a environment where they have no choice but to tolerate me, like a work or school endowment.

    anyways, Ive come to cope with the loneliness for now, but don't see myself putting up with this for the remainder of my life. whenever i feel secure and happy, i almost immediately begin to realize, "oh yea, I'm only twenty" which translates to at least 40 more years of merely sustaining existence. i don't even get along with my family, its not their fault entirely, i just hate being with people, period. so i have turned the basement into a mini home for myself, and anyone that comes down i ask to leave because I'm not comfortable with people. so when my parents die, ill have no one, because everyone will assume i hate them, when really i am just very socially inferior.

    well anyways, sorry for the long post, but just a bit more i promise!

    now, Ive been out of high school for almost three years, hiding indoors, i still haven't finished high school because i cant handle the unwanted attention i get. And i tried home schooling, but unless i can get a job that is 'stay at home', i don't see the point in taking home schooling, because why hide when i will eventually have to step out into the world if i want to be successful. school is coming up in febuary, and I'm scared shittless. Come February, i will have these assistive tools to help me be successful in class, things like portable text enlargers, which are bulky and noticeable. I am very uncomfortable showing my disability to people, and I'm too ashamed to tell that to anyone, I'm afraid they're just going to tell me to live with it, when i simply cant, Ive tried, and i damn near pass out from the anxiety.

    seriously, what the fuck am i supposed to do? even getting on the bus is torture, let alone having to be around people at a job. its embarrassing as hell being my age, and not being able to drive, i feel like such a 'boy' when the subject of cars and driving is brought up when with friends or anyone for that matter. i feel so inferior, and try to change the subject in case someone asks me "so when are you getting you license Adam?" what do i say? "uhh I'm blind, i cant legally drive" what would their response be? ill tell you, oh................. and then they'll never talk to me again. all my friends now drive, and people i grew up with, and it makes me feel like a fucking baby! even my dad is ashamed of his freak son. of course he wont say it, but its obvious considering he NEVER took me out somewhere where there is people unless my mother talked him into doing it. My father is 54 and he still acts like a teenager who needs to be 'cool' and cant be seen with me, especially in our community, we are Arabic, so pretty much everyone that my family knows is Arabic, and sorry to say it white people, but people of color tend to hate Caucasians, and i look white and that doesn't sit well in a room full of brown people.

    ugh... I'm just going to stop, because i can honestly go on all fucking day, which it seems like i have.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Damn, what does one say.

    We had a boy who was albino in our school and the first time we saw him, yeah we all stared. By the end of the first semester no one stared. I guess we needed to stare to get used to it.

    When I was nursing I saw all forms of deformity and yes the need to stare was there again, by staring we got used to it.

    I guess that's it in a nutshell you stare until you get accustomed to what is different, after that it don't matter anymore. Horrible for the person on the recieiving end of the stare, but perhaps if you can take on board that it's not about you but about their ability or inability to accept something different.

    The blindness is an awful cross for you to bear, but again once people know about it they will accept it. You are now moving into the world of adults and hopefully you will find they react differently from the teenagers you have had around you. Once it is accepted that you have sight problems friends should be able to move on from that and accept you for the person you are.

    I'm afraid you are going to have to be brave and actually mix with people to give them the chance to accept you warts and all. There will always be the arseholes who think you're less than you are but that is their problem. Look for the good people...they're out there.
  3. I have always found having a circle of friends overrated. It leads to jealousy, bitterness, having to `keeping up appearances` and more trouble than it`s worth. There`s a lot to be said for the kind of liberty that being on your own can give you. You arent second guessing what everyone thinks about you and arent worrying about what people are saying about you all the time. Many of the people I`ve known with hundreds of friends are superficial idiots with no imagination. I used to envy those kinds of people, now I just leave them to it.
    Personally there`s nothing that gives me pleasure that I can`t do on my own (ok, maybe sex, but even that`s something you can do alone if you have imagination). Infact, I sometimes think how amazing it would be if everyone else on the planet died and I was the sole survivor.

    As for having a father who is ashamed to be seen with you, tell me about it! I am 29, have never had ANY interest in learning to drive and am
    treated like a freak for that reason alone. The prospect of driving a car is about as exciting as doing the dishes to me; apparently I`m a weirdo for not having those kind of ambitions.
    Just remember many successful, interesting people can`t drive and rely on public transport or other people to get around (Ricky Gervais springs to mind), it means very little in the grand scheme of things. I`ve never been physically disabled so I can`t tell you how to deal with other people`s reactions to that, if they disown you for that reason alone then they can`t be very good friends in the first place (trite but true). As for being a virgin, I was that way until 21 and know how horrible it feels; the physical frustration and effect it has on your self esteem can be devastating, it`s completely understandable why people get depressed over it (many of them post on this forum). That said, getting everything you want won`t necessarily make you happy and whose to say you`d wouldnt still be miserable if youre circumstances were different? Even if you were dealt a perfect hand in life, that doesnt necessarily lead to happiness as human beings are greedy creatures and always want more. Disability, whether physical or mental, is a horrible cross to bear (as previous poster said) but for every person that looks down on you there are many million more you can look down on. There`s always someone worse off than yourself.
  4. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    This may not be the response that you are after but the first thing I thought when I read that you were albino was WOW! How cool! Then I kind of felt bad as you have had such a negative reaction but hand on my heart I am in awe!

    What is in a stare? Before I worked with people with learning disabilities I used to stare mainly because of difference and that unsurity of how to relate to that difference. Now it really doesn't bother me if you have whatever difference and as I write this I am suddenly aware of how cool my job is. It has made it possible for me to connect.

    So in a nutshell difference does initailly create that lack of connection but isn't it a case of growing awareness and being cool with who you are. That eventually translates onto other people.

    Randomly I think you might benefit from reading Awaken The Giant Within which has great ways to deal with how you are with your environment. I am half way through and already my life has changed.

    It is all about how you see yourself. Are you the supposed "freak" that you think others think you are? Or are you an amazing unique individual who just happens to be also albino? Having said that I still think being albino is cool (also acknowledging the fact it has created you distress in the past!).

    As for being blind. Well that also is part of your uniqueness and there are many ways to cope with blindness. Start finding out about them. Fire yourself to be proactive.

    Beachboy x
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