i just don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my 'life'... I'm 20, never had a GF, naturally a virgin, have very few friends, albino, legally blind, and cant hold down a conversation to save my ass. firstly, i am albino, and in case you don't know what this is, i have VERY platinum hair, its pure white in some light, and very blond, with a yellowish undertone in other lights. because of this, i have been teased countless times growing up, elementary was hell. However, now that I'm 20, the past is the past, and i can care less about how i was treated back in the day. As i got into high school, i became to develop a bit more courage when it came down to defending my self. I got into a few fights, and people soon understood that i wouldn't tolerate any open insults about me: in front of a large group of people. Today, i have accepted the fact that my life will be shit weather i like it or not, and thats totally cool. However, my main gripe is with other people. Do you know what it feels like to be stared at in public pro longingly by EVERY FUCKING PERSON YOU PASS!? well, that pretty much describes my life, unless I'm wearing a tuke (which is why i prefer winter) for whatever reason, i cant remember it bothering me when i was younger (high school) but now, it seems I'm reaching my breaking point. constantly knowing that people wont give you a fucking second of privacy, not fucking growing up, and instead of acting like adults, they have to stare at me like a bunch of Neanderthals staring at their reflection in the lake. Ive reached the point insanity; i literally want to kill anyone i catch taking a gander at me. I fantasize about grabbing their throat and ripping out whatever matter i can get a grip on. But of course, in the end, i understand that people are going to stare, and if i was in their shoes, i would be staring too probably. lets see, to wrap this paragraph up ill add, I'm also cross eyed, my eyes uncontrollably 'bounce' all over the place, and people are always wondering why i don't make eyer contact, they assume I'm perfectly able bodied. now, suppose people do look past my appearance (which has happened many times, i wasn't exactly a loner in school) then theres the blindness, this is easy to hide, unless they ask me to do something that requires good vision, like reading something small or far away. pathetically, i managed to hide my disability from my best friend for 4 years or so, and the minute he found out, he pretty much abandoned me. i still talk to him, because deep down i know he doesn't care, but he is so fucking superficial that he just doesn't want to be the guy hanging out with the blind loser. i know I'm being a total hypocrite for saying this, but he is pathetic for caring about what others think. instead of being a leader, he leaves me to go off and be a bitch, literally, hes their bitch when hes with them. When hes with me, he act all cool and stuff, but the second someone he thinks is cool walks in, he treats me like dirt.... fucking loser. In all my experience, the only time i was accepted for my disability, was when i had something that people could use me for, or when its in a environment where they have no choice but to tolerate me, like a work or school endowment. anyways, Ive come to cope with the loneliness for now, but don't see myself putting up with this for the remainder of my life. whenever i feel secure and happy, i almost immediately begin to realize, "oh yea, I'm only twenty" which translates to at least 40 more years of merely sustaining existence. i don't even get along with my family, its not their fault entirely, i just hate being with people, period. so i have turned the basement into a mini home for myself, and anyone that comes down i ask to leave because I'm not comfortable with people. so when my parents die, ill have no one, because everyone will assume i hate them, when really i am just very socially inferior. well anyways, sorry for the long post, but just a bit more i promise! now, Ive been out of high school for almost three years, hiding indoors, i still haven't finished high school because i cant handle the unwanted attention i get. And i tried home schooling, but unless i can get a job that is 'stay at home', i don't see the point in taking home schooling, because why hide when i will eventually have to step out into the world if i want to be successful. school is coming up in febuary, and I'm scared shittless. Come February, i will have these assistive tools to help me be successful in class, things like portable text enlargers, which are bulky and noticeable. I am very uncomfortable showing my disability to people, and I'm too ashamed to tell that to anyone, I'm afraid they're just going to tell me to live with it, when i simply cant, Ive tried, and i damn near pass out from the anxiety. seriously, what the fuck am i supposed to do? even getting on the bus is torture, let alone having to be around people at a job. its embarrassing as hell being my age, and not being able to drive, i feel like such a 'boy' when the subject of cars and driving is brought up when with friends or anyone for that matter. i feel so inferior, and try to change the subject in case someone asks me "so when are you getting you license Adam?" what do i say? "uhh I'm blind, i cant legally drive" what would their response be? ill tell you, oh................. and then they'll never talk to me again. all my friends now drive, and people i grew up with, and it makes me feel like a fucking baby! even my dad is ashamed of his freak son. of course he wont say it, but its obvious considering he NEVER took me out somewhere where there is people unless my mother talked him into doing it. My father is 54 and he still acts like a teenager who needs to be 'cool' and cant be seen with me, especially in our community, we are Arabic, so pretty much everyone that my family knows is Arabic, and sorry to say it white people, but people of color tend to hate Caucasians, and i look white and that doesn't sit well in a room full of brown people. ugh... I'm just going to stop, because i can honestly go on all fucking day, which it seems like i have.