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Please help me. Someone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toshi, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    My biggest fear is that I'll not be successful if I try to end my life - NOT simply ending my life. I've considered so many possibilities...<Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. But in reality, I'm so very alone, that no one will know i've done anything for quite a while anyway so in reality I'll probably be more successful than i think. I wish I were strong enough to carry through with it. I read about the suicide signs, and the only one that doesn't apply to me is substance use or abuse. It's been so long since I've felt this way. It's gotten worse and worse since I've not been able to find work. Every rejection is like a dagger and confirmation of how worthless i am. I know there are people who feel worse...who have less...who are less educated...who are less fortunate. But it hurts so badly. It really is all my fault.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say welcome to the site. Here if you feel like talking; why do you think it's all your fault?
  3. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    Hi. thanks for being kind. It's my fault because I have no one to blame for where I am emotionally. It's because of the things I've done in my life that I can never go back and fix.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I can relate to some of what you're going through, especially rejections in the job search. It does hurt.

    Is there anything you can hold onto... any activities you enjoy, something that would help you to look toward the future instead of focusing on what's happened in the past? We can't change what's already happened, but that doesn't mean it has to define us.
  5. Try to look at the future not your past. You are rejected temporarily but not permanently. Suicide is permanent. Get up, go out for a run, be refreshed, keep your resumes updated, go get a temporary job to get some cash, keep updating your resumes and keep looking for better opportunities. It's same like running a marathon.. You don't stop there when you have hitted the marathon wall.. Keep running.. Keep walking.. Keep moving.. And you will reach the finishing line (get a job you like and people who will appreciate your work) eventually.. Don't give up on yourself yet because you haven't even start the true race yet.. If you can register to run a half marathon or even better, a full marathon.. Finish the race and feel the feelings of victory and never forget the lessons learnt during your long run which you can never learn in a classroom setting.. :)

    Learn to live with the past but always try to look forward and improve and get better.. Don't look yourself as a failure.. Because no one is..
  6. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    i'm trying so hard so very hard not to look backwards. god i wish i could remember something to hold on to. I'm trying so hard. but thinking about tomorrow ... it just seems so fuzzy.
  7. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    thank you. I'm trying.
  8. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    since september 2011 (7 months) iv been interviewed for several positions and been rejected each time. ...iv always been one of those people who has been able to hide in my job...find an identity and momentary solace in the work I do....but now - i have nothing. Now all of my demons are rising to the surface begging for me to let go...telling me I'm worthless and no one wants me.....reminding me that I'm old and there is no future for me. saying that it really doesn't matter if i get another job or not...i am only headed for a lonely, pathetic, existence. (Do you want it now or later?) iv always been able to suppress my darkness - not always well - but it would only emerge "sometimes". Now, darkness sleeps next to me...it shares my meals and laughs at me. when my family rejected me...i had my friends....when my friends rejected me...i had my work...when my work rejected me....i have nothing left. i just can't feel anymore rejection.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't worthless. I know that feeling all too well... when you're out looking for a job, and the frustration gets worse and worse each time you put yourself out there and don't get hired. What kind of job are you looking for?

    I can tell you're trying. And I hope you don't let go. I know it takes a lot, but just try to push the darkness back a little each day. And I know talkign to people online isn't the same as being close to people in person, but it's something. Try to keep reaching out when you feel like you can't keep going.
  10. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    It's really disturbing how in most stories I read here there seems to be problems with unemployment.

    I'm in the same position. Double-majored in college, worked my ass off trying to learn everything possible about my profession. Only got a few low-paying jobs in the field after college, have been unemployed for nearly 3 years now.

    If I had been a slacker or something like it I suppose at least there would be a certain solace in it all, but it wasn't the case. Just don't have the right connections.

    All I can tell you is hang in there, life changes all the time.
  11. Whatever job you get - be it low paying or not, just work a few months on it, gain the experience and move to next job and keep gaining experience on it. I have friends with double major with 1st class honors working in the coffee shop serving coffee when the economy is very bad in Singapore.. Whatever the outcome is, just keep searching for jobs - keep updating your resumes and don't give up!! Keep fighting..
  12. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    thank you.
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