My life is so messed up I don't even really know how to express it through words. It's hard to determine where I should begin when it seems that it's been fucked up for so long that I can barely remember real happiness or normalcy. I keep going back in my mind to when I was ten years old. That was the year that my parents divorced and my mother moved me and my sister to a small horibble town where I was tormented by the other kids non stop. Then my mother remarried a man who was verbally abusive. He ended up dying and things seemed like they would get better, but they only got worse. She started up a relationship with someone else and turned her back on me. She maintained a close relationship with my sister, which made me feel even more alone. It was these factors that contributed to the breaking of my spirit and total destruction of my self-esteem. My life has been a mess ever since. I managed to allow any ties with my family to deteriorate completely. Once I was close to my sister. It was hard for me because I felt like an outsider in the family while she is close with them all, especially my mother. Then, early this year, I did something really stupid and managed to ruin our relationship, too. Because of our feud, I have not talked to the rest of my family in months. I gave up on them, just as I gave up on myself. Shortly after that I met a man who I thought was sent to me on purpose, to help me build a better life. I ended up getting pregnant by him almost right away. At first I thought that it was a blessing. I thought that it would help me mend things with my family. I wanted to tell them, but I was still scared of their rejection so I didn't. I started getting very sick with morning sickness and ended up having to drop out of school and quit my job. I began to look at things differently, thinking that my being pregnant would not help things with my family. I began missing my freedom, which I felt was the only thing I had to live for previously. The father of my child was driving me crazy with his unchanged life style that involved heavy drinking. Things began getting ugly between us. Then the other night he was drinking hard liquor and ended up beating me. He kicked me in the gut a few times, so now I have to worry about whether my baby is alright. Besides that, I'm already a bad mother. I gave up drinking but still smoke pot. Sometimes I do it for the sickness, sometimes I do it just to escape from this mistery. I know I shouldn't and worry about my unborn child being abnormal, but I can't stop. I keep going back and forth about wanting to have an abortion, which I think drove my boyfriend to the point of insanity. I had him arrested and now he's sitting in jail waiting for his dad to help him. After I had calmed down and thought about it some more, I decided to drop the charges but it was too late. The states attorneys office had already decided to charge him for aggravated battery because of two other arrests made by his exwife. He was going to go get treatment for his alchoholism in a matter of days, but I decided to have him arrested out of anger. Now I have to worry about having to raise this child by myself. I still have not told my family that I'm pregnant. I think my sister knows because I told the father of her child a couple of weeks ago when I ran into him in the store. But she has not emailed me, so I'm assuming that she still hates me and doesn't care. She is living with my mother with her daughter. Even if my mother had room for me, though, I don't think she would let me stay there. I'm staying at an exboyfriends house right now temporarily. The only other person I could live with is the man that used to be my stepfather. I don't want to live there because the living conditions are terrible, but I have nowhere else. I was best friends with someone who ended up moving over two hours away. Before I met my boyfriend I had planned to move in with her. Then I decided to stay because of him. I could have prevented all of this by moving in with her, but I didn't. Him and I went to her apt. one time to celebrate her birthday and he ended up turning into a mean drunk. Her mother even urged me to move with her, but I didn't. Now my friend has gone missing. She hasn't called me in over a month and her phone is disconnected. I'm worried that she is in major trouble, or even dead. I have nowhere to turn. I don't know what to do. How could everything have gone so wrong?