please help me through my darkest hour

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by longingforpeace, Sep 27, 2006.

  1. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    My life is so messed up I don't even really know how to express it through words. It's hard to determine where I should begin when it seems that it's been fucked up for so long that I can barely remember real happiness or normalcy. I keep going back in my mind to when I was ten years old. That was the year that my parents divorced and my mother moved me and my sister to a small horibble town where I was tormented by the other kids non stop. Then my mother remarried a man who was verbally abusive. He ended up dying and things seemed like they would get better, but they only got worse. She started up a relationship with someone else and turned her back on me. She maintained a close relationship with my sister, which made me feel even more alone. It was these factors that contributed to the breaking of my spirit and total destruction of my self-esteem. My life has been a mess ever since. I managed to allow any ties with my family to deteriorate completely. Once I was close to my sister. It was hard for me because I felt like an outsider in the family while she is close with them all, especially my mother. Then, early this year, I did something really stupid and managed to ruin our relationship, too. Because of our feud, I have not talked to the rest of my family in months. I gave up on them, just as I gave up on myself. Shortly after that I met a man who I thought was sent to me on purpose, to help me build a better life. I ended up getting pregnant by him almost right away. At first I thought that it was a blessing. I thought that it would help me mend things with my family. I wanted to tell them, but I was still scared of their rejection so I didn't. I started getting very sick with morning sickness and ended up having to drop out of school and quit my job. I began to look at things differently, thinking that my being pregnant would not help things with my family. I began missing my freedom, which I felt was the only thing I had to live for previously. The father of my child was driving me crazy with his unchanged life style that involved heavy drinking. Things began getting ugly between us. Then the other night he was drinking hard liquor and ended up beating me. He kicked me in the gut a few times, so now I have to worry about whether my baby is alright. Besides that, I'm already a bad mother. I gave up drinking but still smoke pot. Sometimes I do it for the sickness, sometimes I do it just to escape from this mistery. I know I shouldn't and worry about my unborn child being abnormal, but I can't stop. I keep going back and forth about wanting to have an abortion, which I think drove my boyfriend to the point of insanity. I had him arrested and now he's sitting in jail waiting for his dad to help him. After I had calmed down and thought about it some more, I decided to drop the charges but it was too late. The states attorneys office had already decided to charge him for aggravated battery because of two other arrests made by his exwife. He was going to go get treatment for his alchoholism in a matter of days, but I decided to have him arrested out of anger. Now I have to worry about having to raise this child by myself. I still have not told my family that I'm pregnant. I think my sister knows because I told the father of her child a couple of weeks ago when I ran into him in the store. But she has not emailed me, so I'm assuming that she still hates me and doesn't care. She is living with my mother with her daughter. Even if my mother had room for me, though, I don't think she would let me stay there. I'm staying at an exboyfriends house right now temporarily. The only other person I could live with is the man that used to be my stepfather. I don't want to live there because the living conditions are terrible, but I have nowhere else. I was best friends with someone who ended up moving over two hours away. Before I met my boyfriend I had planned to move in with her. Then I decided to stay because of him. I could have prevented all of this by moving in with her, but I didn't. Him and I went to her apt. one time to celebrate her birthday and he ended up turning into a mean drunk. Her mother even urged me to move with her, but I didn't. Now my friend has gone missing. She hasn't called me in over a month and her phone is disconnected. I'm worried that she is in major trouble, or even dead. I have nowhere to turn. I don't know what to do. How could everything have gone so wrong?
     
  2. me_

    me_ Guest

    Oh my! There are so many things happening to you right now. I really don't know what to say. It sounds so rough! :cry:
    All I can say is that if by any chance your mom or your sister or some friend is willing to help you, you should take the help, whatever compromise it asks. Do it for your baby if not for yourself. Take some help, at least for a while, untill you feel like you can handle the situation by yourself.
    And I know you already know this ... but PLEASE don't smoke pot untill the baby gets born. What will you do if (s)he will born with some deficiency?? The situation is rough enough, help yourself by any way that you can. Quit pot, at least during pregnancy, however hard it might be. Maybe you should consider detox or something, please ask for help!
    I don't know what else to say ... just to take care. And again : you should get some help!
    :hug:
     
  3. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    I'm all alone

    I called my stepfather and asked if it was still okay for me to stay with him. He said yes. Then he called my mother and told her everything thats been going on. She then called me and told me that she couldn't offer any financial help, but that she was here for me. She told me everything I wanted to hear. But the phone connection was bad so she said she would call back. Well its the next day and she still has not called back. She says all that b.s. then she can't even call me back. Meanwhile, S's dad thinks it's a good idea for me to stay at the house until he visits him at the jail so that we can find out where his head is at right now. I guess he still thinks that maybe we can work things out as long as he is remorseful enough, realizes his wrong doings, etc. But it could just be that he wants me nearby in case they need me to help with his defense. Maybe its a combination of both. I'm not really sure what his motives are for wanting me to stay. I may have to testify in court. I've already said that I would do whatever I could to work to make things better. All I wanted was for him to be in jail for one or two days to cool off, I never meant to ruin his life. Also, I know I need to quit smoking but easier said than done. I don't know if it's as bad as people think that it is. I know women that have done it and their kids turned out fine, they even developed early. I want to have my doctor put me on antidepressants so that I can stop, though. Still have not heard from K. I keep calling her cell phone and hearing the disconnection message over and over, consumed with worry about her. She's the only one I could talk to right now that would understand at all. It's very upsetting that I can't talk to her. Also I called all the business chains where she lives because I wasn't sure which one she worked at. All of them said that nobody by that name works at any of them. So now she doesn't even work there. I keep having these dreams about S. I dreamed that he came up to me in the boxers and white t-shirt that he always wears around the house. He took me into his arms and held me. There were no words spoken. That was the whole dream. I really miss him. I feel like I brought this all on myself. I know that his dad thinks so, too. And why hasn't my mother called me back? After she just said she'd be there for me! She isn't there and she never was. What else is fucking new?! S's dad says that I'm too old to be angry towards her anymore, but I am. I'm 27. And this is where I am in life. Guess I'm just a big loser. Guess I'll never get my shit together. Before I met S I at least stood a chance. Now that's over. It's very hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel and sometimes I do think of suicide.