Please help me with insight

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dawnflash, Jun 17, 2015.

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  1. Dawnflash

    Dawnflash Member

    I stopped by this forum with the intention of maybe getting an extra insight or two on my issue.

    I believe that the goal and point of living is being happy. In states of unhappiness we use happiness as the will force to go on. "There will be better times."
    Depressions are then cases where we can't use this idea. We're too unhappy to accept that there will indeed be any better times. The darkness simply takes over.
    I've come up with these ideas during a series of very inspiring talks with an old Vietnamese friend of mine, Ly. We got very close and helped each other overcome complicated blocks in our lives, but then came a series of cultural barriers and compliance issues, also time pressure and I was heavily heartbroken, psychically shattered and looking around for purpose in carrying on. Ly left my life soon by leaving the country and I lost the only person I had close enough to even bring up such a topic with. Although, I don't think I could even do that with her as she was involved in starting the whole train of darkness.

    Mind you, I've never really wanted to leave this world. I don't believe in any supernatural entities, but I still have faith that there might be something worth living for in the end.
    It's just the pain you need to suffer that makes questioning its worth real.
    You might be surprised by my issue context:
    -20yo university IT student
    -have supportive family
    -have supportive partner
    -have supportive friends
    It's over 15 months since the heartbreak incident, but the aftermaths are getting worse everytime I suffer breakdowns and attempt a suicide. I found myself friends, I found myself a girlfriend in hope of burying the thoughts for good, but it seems to be no good even now.

    All the same I can't handle pressure situations like exams and similar, because at any pressure request I question my life's worth instead. I wonder if maybe quitting wouldn't take off all the pain. It's not about the requirements being harsh, it's about the idea that why should I even try if I can just get out?
    I attempted suicide 3 times already, always retreating or being saved (in ignorance and played-out, so nobody knows irl).
    My problem hence lies in a philosophical issue. Why should I go through the pain of fulfilling the expectations of the system I live in if there is the exit option?
    I don't have much happiness in my life simply because I can't give up on these thoughts. They bring me to the edge of absolute nihilism and some of my friends, even my girlfriend started to notice.
    I don't fear death, I don't try escape. I'm perfectly calm with leaving and that creeps people out when they are close to finding out. I can't talk about this with anyone close, because they will try to stop me while I don't need anyone holding me against my will and having me eat pills to simmer down.

    I need someone to give me a reason to stop even thinking in this way. I don't want to needlessly scare people around me with darkness because if I'm to ruin their happiness I might die as well. I tried bringing up the topic of death a few times, but people are usually too scared to talk even closely around the topic.

    I am unhappy because I am hurting others by becoming so down and dark, I lose all my efficiency, I lose motivation and I can no longer motivate others.
    I cannot be happy, say, for being loved, because I see it as a biochemical reaction and my subconscious mind seems to do its best to spoil all happiness I can feel. I am having problems escaping this death loop, because all I dream about is death. All I think about the whole day is death. I am becoming obsessed with it.

    Yesterday I left at night, <mod edit> and the sensation of creeping death did nothing to me. I am worried I might die simply because I made death so close to me. I don't want to hurt others and ruin my life for a stupid decision, but... I can't seem to be able to fix myself.
    My father is a psychotherapeutist, I don't want to seek professional help thereof, I hope that's clear.
    Thanks for providing any insight possible, I am running out of ideas :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2015
  2. briaairb

    briaairb New Member

    The thing is, you keep letting yourself deteriorate. I want you, yes you, to stand up right now and smile and tell yourself "I will be happy" ten times. Here's a quote that Ive always lived by and always will: "You'll always be what you've always been if you always do what you've always done" Meaning , if you continue to be unhappy you WILL be unhappy. You control your own happiness. You either choose to be upset or you either choose to move on and/or make the situation better. I know emotions take control over us. And you know its healthy for our limbic system (aka our emotions) to be stronger than our frontal lobe (aka our logic). Don't let the emotions take control over you, don't let your mind trick you. Always remember there's a light at the end of every tunnel. I see that you're only 20? You have a long life ahead of you. Don't end you life here. I know day by day we wonder when the pain will go away, but trust me it eventually will.
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