Please help me with my guilt and shame

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rubydo, Oct 15, 2012.

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  1. Rubydo

    Rubydo Member

    Please try to understand. I am 58 years old, have a few medical issues and am alone in this world, my friends and family have deserted me because of the unending depression that I've had thru the last 15 years at least. My luck gets progessively worse as I make bad decisions. The last one 2 months ago, was a job change that cost me my health insurance, a pay cut and my man-friend of 12 years who I found never really loved me.

    Yesterday was my last straw when I tried to bury my darling dog Ruby. I had to watch her die the day before, I don't know why she died, she had stopped eating and I was going to take to the vet Saturday, but when I awoke, she was missing. It tooks me hours to find her and when I finally did, spent another hour trying to follow me back home, she finally collapsed in my front yard. She was a big girl, a Doberman, and I could not lift her so I stayed by her side. Until I needed to go inside for a minute, on my way back, I heard an unearthly howl from her, I held her as she choked and gasped for air, she died in my arms. I cannot tell you how much that hurt. Atfer she died I yelled at her for leaving me, and I never yell. To make it worse, I tried to dig a hole deep enough or big enough to bury her but with tree roots, hard clay soil and rocks in the way, I couldn't. I screamed in frustration and at God, how much did I have to bear? When I called my ex-boyfriend for help/ advice, he was nasty to me and told me to just "drag her into the woods " (I live on 18 acres). And to my everlasting shame, I did. I covered her as best I could, but I cannot bear it! I could not drag her very far on a rubbber mat thru the woods, my hands hurt so bad from the blisters of digging. I'm so afraid of what might happen now.

    I did not go to work today, I kept hearing her toenails on the floor and on the steps and expecting her to bump into me with her long nose, I even heard her snore. I am all alone, I had Ruby for 10 years, she was a rescue pup and she kept me half-sane, she gave me the only true love I've ever known. Go ahead and laugh but she slept with me, I could not leave a room without being followed unless she was fast asleep! they call Dobes "VELCRO-DOGS" and she was was heart and my life. I cannot stop crying, I don't know what to do, I've never been so alone and do not know how to go on. I can't even think of going out the door with her buriel site in view. I don't see myself going back to work or talking about this.

    I've been attached to the computer researching suicide. I thought I had it planned out to shoot myself but found out that my gun is too small to do the job. I cannot go on without her, I cannot live alone and I am so tired of trying to cope, I just don't have the money. It's official now, I have no reason to live. I am begging for help. The last time I called the suicide hotline, I had police and an ambulance show up at my door! The doctor they sent me to threatened to commit me for treatment leaving my Ruby alone. There is no way I will trust another doctor. Why can't it be easier to just die?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Rubydo. I'm so sorry you lost your friend. Our beloved pets are members of our family, so it is easy to understand that you feel overwhelmed and sad. Please stay safe...I'm sure your dog would want you to be safe. And know that many of us here with pets know how great this loss is for you. :hug:
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Understand your feeling of loss. We lost our Siberian Husky a couple of months back. It was very sudden and unexpected. I rushed her to the hospital, speeding down the road running red lights... but he did not make it. Very sad.

    What I found helped was to quickly bring in two new puppies. They're darling. They don't replace him, but they give someplace to focus feelings.
  4. Rubydo

    Rubydo Member


    I dunno, I wonder if she didn't hear me say: "If it wasn't for you, I'd be gone" a few too many times...Dogs are smart. I just can't understand why she went so quickly, 5 days ago she was chasing me around in our hide & seek game.

    I know I must have made some people uncomfortable with this post, but I really do need some support, am I too horrible to be a dog mom again?
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm not sure why you feel you're a horrible dog mom...? Ruby had a sudden illness, and you didn't have a chance to get her to the vet, but you were going to take her. That's being a good dog mom. You cared.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I have to agree. You did not do anything negative. It would be nice if dogs could talk and tell us things, but they cannot. Think about the time you gave to her and the love that she got that so many other dogs never receive. I think the fact that you cared so much about her screams loudly that you were a good mommy for her indeed.
  7. scromlette

    scromlette Member

    No, you are not a horrible mom. From the way you speak of her in your post, I can tell how much love you have for her. That is what makes you a good mom. Any animal would be lucky to have the company of someone who can love like you loved Ruby.

    I know what it is to lose a furry loved one, but I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you are going through. All that I can say is that I am sorry. I am sorry for your loos, and I am sorry that you feel as isolated as you do. I can't understand how people can be cruel or uncaring to someone who is obviously capable of so much Love.

    Try to keep your head up, and know that I would be glad to be to be for you if you need.
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