The Truth Is...... Truth is, I am trying to hide my depression from my husband, children family members and friends. I'm tired of putting up this mask but, I know everyone was tired of seeing me sad and hearing me complain. Depression is not something that I have asked for or something that I am bringing on myself. I have stopped taking the time to have any friends or form any close relationships with anybody; including family members. Everything that has happened to me in the past year and six months has destroyed me and now because of that, the depression that I feel now is worse. I have had enough of it. Most of us do not understand depression. Depression is not the feeling that one gets when "having the blues." It goes much deeper than that. Depressed people do not invent all the emotional distress and turmoil. Depression is a disease, just like Parkinson's Disease or Epilepsy. I believe that my recent losses are the major cause of my depression. In my case, after these deaths I didn't know how to deal with the pain in my heart the feelings of guilt, hate, regret. I stay up at night for days and as the lack of sleep built up over time, other things began to happen within my body. Crying and mood swings that came with no warning and lasted most of the day. Then as time kept marching by, eventually strong, irrational emotions came suddenly and without warning. It is all consuming, one loses the ability to function properly. Concentration disappears. Happiness vanishes. I am now but a shadow of myself. This is how I feel everyday. No one really understands the depths of true depression unless they have personally experienced it. But what if no one believes me? What happens after everyone has turned their backs on me? What if I become such a burden that I am simply swept aside? I am afraid that I am losing my mind. God help me; I'm losing control. These past few months, I have thought of doing things that I cannot believe. It feels like I am someone else; like someone is trying to take over my thoughts. I cannot believe what I have become. I feel as if I am disappearing a little more and more each day. I am so angry and confused inside that I am afraid of myself. I feel so alone. I feel as if I am drowning, fading faster and faster into the night with each passing day. Lately, I am finding it hard to remember what I have done from one day to the next. I feel so afraid and alone. All my life is crumbling, and I an vunerable and so tired. What if I can't find my way out of all this pain? The pain washes over me in great waves. I want to reach out to someone, but I don't know how or who. I feel as if my soul is dying; my will to live is dying. And day after day, the pain won't go away. I honestly don't know how much more pain and abuse I can take. I know that I am suicidal, and it scares me. I do not want to hurt myself, I have three wonderful children to raise but I just want to escape from my pain. I don't know how else to do it. I need help, anyone's help. I am frightened to be alone. I do not trust myself not to do anything stupid. My energy level has almost dried up; I am getting too weak to fight much longer. I hate this person that I have become. I need help. PLEASE, WILL SOMEONE HELP ME????????