Please Help Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aberdeen, May 21, 2014.

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  1. Aberdeen

    Aberdeen New Member

    Hi everyone... sorry if this is posted in the wrong place or not ok to bring right up but I don't really know what else to do. I feel utterly hopeless and unhappy to the extent that the only solution feels like suicide. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember to varying degrees- as with most people's depression it is up and down, sometimes just a nagging voice but other times (like for the past few weeks) all consuming. This is going to sound incredibly needy and rambling but I just want to get it all out there somewhere and for somebody to help me, even if it's just words of encouragement or similar problems.

    All my life I have felt inadequate and weird. I'm ugly, withdrawn, melancholic and uncomfortable of social interaction to the extent that I completely choke up or stutter scared (even when talking to family or close friends who most of the time I am fine around) even though in my head I know it's ridiculous and pathetic I can't make myself feel comfortable socially. My voice is weird with an unusual accent (even more than normal for a Yorkshireman anyway...) and people often ridicule the way I pronounce or lisp on certain words which makes me incredibly insecure. The most frustrating thing is that at times I feel fine about myself: I can talk intelligently and have a laugh, get good grades at my University and generally feel like a typical person growing up and getting through life. But then for no reason I will clam up, stop being comfortable around anyone and withdraw back into my miserable, depressed shell.

    I have for years considered going to see a counselor or ringing a suicide/depression helpline, but I'm always too embarrassed (first world guilt doesn't help: I am privileged to live in a secure country and am comfortably middle class, with no major health/financial/past traumas... so I always feel ashamed that I am wasting my perfectly fine life by always being anxious and depressed over minor issue compared to what a lot of people suffer through and still seem happy) to actually go through with anything. I tried to speak to my school counselors but they didn't understand the scale of the problem and I still have NEVER spoken to anybody, professional or personal, about the full breadth of my unhappiness. I am 21 years old with a normal life and background but feel like I am wasting the best years of my life depressed alone in my room or sat nervously amongst my peers when I should be confident and content with how things are going.

    Sorry for venting, but I genuinely don't know what to do to get out of this destructive cycle. I know that eating well and exercising boosts your natural energy and happiness levels, but although I try to do that I often think 'what's the point?' and sack it off to wallow or waste time alone. I have put on some weight and am utterly unhappy with my physical appearance, particularly my face, which is subconsciously why I try to hide away and am utterly unconfident in social situations. Does anybody else share what I call my 'meaningless myopia'? Any recommendations for starting to turn it around? I don't think I will kill myself any time soon as I am too scared and with some stuff to live for, but the thought as a way out does regularly pop into my head and I am pretty much constantly depressed to some degree, so I need to resolve my mindset before it drags on for x more years and suddenly there is nothing to keep on living for or I have wasted my entire life being irrationally miserable. Basically I think my problem is nihilistic boredom rather than abject suffering or a terrible past. It has been holding me down for too long and now I feel I am at a crossroads and need to either start properly fighting it or give up and succumb to never being content.

    PLEASE if anyone feels the same or can talk me through where to go from here I would be so thankful to hear from you. Thank, Jon.
  2. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi Jon, I know how you feel. I have posted a few times with issues and sometimes it is good to get everything out even to strangers who you have never met.

    I to have never went and called for help yet and I know I should but always feel like a burden to people.

    I have similar problems to you and when reading your post sounded similar to me. I have no solution to it and have struggled for a good while. Keep your head up best you can.

    If you need to chat feel free to message me. I am sure others will post their thoughts.

  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello Jon really sorry to hear all this, I understand how you feel not wanting to burden and find myself withdrawn, the exercise one is a great option I have found though the same issues of what is the point, so I entered 10k runs to help and even raised money for charity not to do good but for my own selfworth. how do you feel now for venting?

    Take Care

  4. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    Hi, Aberdeen. The nice thing about this particular forum is you are sure to find others like you in the same boat. After my NA meeting tonight I couldn't wait to get home to read the posts here. The posts are sad but they comfort me in the sense that there are others who feel just the way I do around the world. It's too bad we have to meet under these depressing circumstance but at least we found each other. I guess all we can do is wish each other the best.
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