Please help me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RedLilly, Sep 23, 2009.

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  1. RedLilly

    RedLilly New Member

    I have been lonely all my life. I am the type of person who consistently puts all her eggs in one basket, and because of this I am almost always left disappointed. A couple months ago, I lost my job and my boyfriend of four years. I have become reclusive and go days without talking to anyone. I also have developed so much anxiety lately that I have not been able to sleep for two days.

    I cannot go on like this, and suicide seems like the only answer. I have tried going to therapy, joining a group, and have written various agencies about trying to volunteer just to get out of the house. I have had no success with any of this. I am truly miserable and cannot see any light at the end of this long lonely tunnel.

    I have researched the various ways suicide is carried out and have chosen a method that I think I can go through with. I have even written a note and decided which charities I would like to donate my car, computer, and other belongings to. I think I am finally going to do this. I’m feel like I’m backed against the wall….and I’m terrified.
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    There's always somebody here you can talk to if you want support.. Your not sure wether to do it or not thats why your here, right? Support. Listen to our stories, browse around. You are not alone in your loneliness.

    I think you need a new challenge, how old are you?
  3. RedLilly

    RedLilly New Member

    I am 27. I have been browsing the site and it's so sad to see how many people feel exactly the same way I do.

    Thanks for the response, yes I am here because I need help. I would like to feel better, I just don't know if that is a possibility. I have nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to...

    I feel so completely alone.
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Your post actually upset me, Im very down right now I know you have it much worse than I do because at least I have something- even if its painfull to pull trough and its not an endless tunnel.
    I really dont feel qualified to help, I feel helpless I dont know what to say I've never seen the best of life. Your still young like me so I really hope you can find something like a new challenge, a new outlook to restore confidence.

    I'll PM you in 2 weeks time hope you respond so I can see how you get on.
  5. Mean

    Mean New Member

    Hey girl,

    I'm about your age, and consider myself rather young, really.. don't put me down, lol.

    I've been where you are now and can only say, if You manage to just brave on through this, you'll find a way to go on.

    Seriously, you're young. There are still so many things that can happen to you. Death will come one day anyway. Or you can call it any time you choose. So why worry? That exit will always be available. In the meantime, try to go on.

    I know it sounds pointless right now, like I said, I've been there. Just remember: You have nothing to lose. There are people around feeling surprisingly similar, I know I've been surprised.

    Think about what might lie ahead. If it doesn't come.. well, too bad. You tried.

    It keeps me going :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2009
  6. RedLilly

    RedLilly New Member

    Thanks "Mean."

    You don't sound very mean afterall. I know I am still young. We are still young. If you look at my life on paper... I have everything going for me. Every time I am out I'm told by strange men that I am beautiful, I'm in grad school, I have a car and some money....

    I just that I feel so lost, and I can't take this pain anymore. I've realized that I don't know how to form healthy relationships with people and this leaves me feeling very isolated from the world.

    Yes, death will come one day, I just think everything would be easier if that day could come soon.

    I like your comment about having nothing to lose if you just try, but for me I think it's different. Maybe I have nothing to lose, but it will require a lot more suffering.

    I'm glad you found something that keeps you going though. And thank you for the support.
  7. Mean

    Mean New Member

    no need to thank me. I can't quite put everything I want into words but I'm trying.

    And look at me here: I've been a gifted pupil. Ever since I've grown up random guys have been interested in me, though I could never quite understand why. In fact, I had so many issues I quit university four times in a row (my parents really wanted me to attend, can't blame them). No reason at all other then 'I didn't feel like it'. What was the point, right?

    The one man I've ever really loved didn't care about me one bit. I had no driving force. Oh, and my parents weren't an epitome of a loving, meaningful marriage anyway.

    So I've ended up living alone, with some financial support from my parents due to my continued education, ie. starting uni once again. Quite sad and pathetic, right, especially since I know I could have been done with it already, if that ridiculous love affair didn't happen. (by the way, I have never forgotten it. Ridiculous as it was, it will always remain my first true love.. and I can live with that now.)

    Right, right, to sum up: if you put my life down on paper, I'm quite a failure.. but I guess I've reached the point where it can't get much worse, so.. the hell they can bring me down like that.

    It hurts, yes. But I still believe it will stop one day, no matter how strange my ideas of a relationship between two people are (and they seem quite strange observing today's standards.. :unsure:)

    I'm just waiting, really. Just hanging on. And I hope You can do that too. I remember it was so bad just some time ago. But now I can take it. Not my achievement at all. It just came, eventually. All I can suggest is clench your teeth and wait, and like I said, nothing to lose, if it becomes unbearable the way out still exists just where you left it :) I'm still waiting.
  8. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member


    I've definitely put all my eggs in one basket before. And I've been horribly disappointed. What sucks is I've succeeded at many things I never cared much about. The guys I've really really liked in my life never felt the same. Many times I've found myself with this ho hum feeling because I've never been able to achieve the things I really love. Now being 45, I seem to be onto a job that I really enjoy, I wrote a book and I have thriving little personal business. I'm not rolling in the dough, but at least I'm doing what makes me happy.

    Just hang in there. I suffered a long time before I found this.
  9. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey RedLilly,

    I feel just like you, you know? I'm also the kind of person who puts all eggs in one basket. I guess I prefer to be friends with one or two persons and know them extremely well than to be friends with 30 people and know little more than their names.

    It kinda worked for me while I had my best friend and then girlfriend. I could dedicate all my social attention to her and it would work for me. But then she dumped me (guess what, after 4 years too) and now I'm mostly alone in the world with little to no people to speak to and no one that cares about me quite as much as I'd like.

    And... you guessed it... I'm also full of anxiety as it is, 2 hours of sleep a day seems like my averange nowadays. Sometimes I stumble around college like a zombie. Actually, yesteday I fell asleep in the library and woke up still holding the open book in my hand.

    I'm not gonna lie, I'm suicidal to the bone (my sad threads are all over the forum so there's really no point pretending) so whatever I say to you is at the least, hypocritical. That said, I know life sucks right now and you see really no point in keeping it up, like you just want to be free of the pain you're feeling and all you can do about it is killing yourself in hopes of suffering no more. But while the future may seem too distant to wait for it, there's always lucky days, there's always the chance that you'll find something in your life that will make it at least half full again. I know it's not much of a hope, but it is a hope I'll hold myself to for as long as I can. You should too.

    I see also that you're locked at home most of the time. If I hadn't college to force me out, I'd be just the same. Actually when my parents went for vacations I went out to buy 2 weeks worth of food right after they left and stayed inside all that time with little to no contact to the outside world. Actually Michael Jackson died during that time and I had no idea... Anyway, I cannot stress enough how you MUST go out to do something, and not something repetitive like a walk around the same park every day, NO! That's just depress you more. One of the things that having little social contact does is making all days seem the same, and that kills you inside. You have to make each day at least a little unique.

    You've lost your job, so probably you're short on cash. But there's still things you can do with little money. I recomend learning how to play an instrument if you like music. It's a great way to keep you entertained as it'll be challenging, it'll be hard work, it'll take many hours of dull free time from your day but it'll pay off alot when you hear yourself playing your favorite songs. Also the equipment is cheap on begginer levels and there's many sites with guides to help you get started so you don't have to spend money on classes.

    You can also try your hand at writting. Even if you're not very creative in that department, you don't have to write a whole novel with fully fleshed characters and plots, etc. You can choose your favorite book, movie or tv series and write a fanfic about it. It costs you nothing and keeps your brain active.

    If you can afford, try to eat at a restaurant at least once or twice a month, even try to avoid going to the same place twice. A different meal from your own cookings is also a great way to give some uniqueness to your day, I do that and it helps me somehow... 2morrow I'm having sushi for lunch lol!

    Think, there must be something you can do to keep your brain working and away from the bad thoughts. One word of advice tough, don't choose watching movie or tv series as a way to keep you occupied, those will only make you feel even more lonely. Choose something where you actually do something, don't watch others doing. Keep the brain busy, that's the trick!

    I'm sorry for the long post, something I start rambling and I'm dangerous when it happens lol. I'd love to keep in touch with you since you and I seem to be in the very same boat, it might be positive for the both of us to share experiences. PM or email me at me if you feel like it, I'd love to hear more from you.

    Just remember, no matter how hard it gets, you'll always have us here for you :hugtackles:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2009
  10. RedLilly

    RedLilly New Member

    In response to all the lovely people that replied to my post; TWF, Mean, WldHair, and Ordep

    Words cannot describe how humbled I am by your words and support. On the day I posted my original message I was overcome with grief and self-loathing. Each of you helped me to view my life from a different perspective. Your words offered me hope in one of my most desperate moments. I thank you all....with my life.

    I am happy to report that I am feeling a little bit better. I decided to go out and hire a personal trainer today. I've decided (for as long as I can stay this strong) that I will try to consume myself with working out and my studies. Focus!!! We can do this, right? All of us...we can do this!

    Anyway, I truly hope that you are all still staying strong and "fighting the good fight." If any of you ever need to talk, please contact me. I will keep you all in my heart. I am grateful to have found you...
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Redlilly, welcome to the forums.

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today, my PM box is always open if you need to chat :) Stay safe x
  12. lachrymose

    lachrymose Account Closed

    i am 24 and turning 25 this coming feb. i am a loser
  13. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to know you're feeling better!

    And lol, believe it or not I also joined a gym academy a few days ago, talk about coincidences.

    I hope your strong will and focus on living your life stays strong, I know you can do it.
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