Please help me...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Sardonia, May 31, 2010.

  1. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    There's this girl that I love (yeah, I'm a girl too...)... anyway, neither of us have told our parents about our relationship and my girlfriend's mom is pretty perceptive and she talked to her about our relationship. She, of course, told her that we were really close friends. She told me this later, and I don't want her to go through all this hardship... considering I'm the first girl she ever liked, I've always wondered if it was a phase for her or not and, if it's not, I don't want her parents thinking anything bad about her if she's only going to change her mind. Should I leave her for her own sake or should I stay with her? (yes, I did ask her if she just wanted me to leave, and she said no, but I truly believe this is what's best for her....)
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I would definitely avoid leaving her "for her own good"

    Are you sure that you're leaving for that reason, and not because you feel that she deserves better than you?

    Sorry if I'm projecting my own situation onto yours.

    How accepting are her parents towards homosexuals? How old are you? Is it feasible for you to come out of the closet?
  3. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    What is your age. I've never witnessed a relationship before graduating college that was a good influence. It just causes problems. Maybe, I don't have enough friends. But I've seen people only get sidetracked with their goals in life by choosing relationships over their education.
  4. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    Adam: I am almost completely sure that the only reason that I'm comsidering it is because I feel that it would be best for her. I only think that it's best because I am the first girl she ever liked and I don't want her to go through the trouble of confessing to her parents if she's just going to leave me sooner than she thought.... eep! I guess that makes me the selfish one now... Anyway... your questions: Um, I'm not totally sure how accepting her parents are, but she says that her mom would accept it, but we're not so sure about her dad, since he did say he would do very bad things to her boyfriend, and he got angry about some guy having a dream about her.... We're both 16... And I think it would only be feasable to come out to our parents alone. I'm not totally sure I want our friends knowing just yet.

    And to jjjoooggg2: We're both 16, but we're actually both honors students. Yeah, I know, doesn't really make a difference, but I am pretty particular about my grades, and that's putting it lightly. I'm usually the one that helps her with her homework in the first place... That's kinda how we found our relationship actually.... Sorry if that was too much information...
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    If you're worried it's a phase for her, could you tell her your worries and get some peace of mind?

    And do your parents have to know right this second? What would change? Would it mean you would feel comfortable being affectionate around them, or is it because you want your parents approval?

    And what if your gf, finds another gf- she'd be faced with the same question- do I tell my parents or not?

    And telling your parents isn't compulsory. I didn't at your age- I did that when I was 22-23?, and I have to say, it was good that she didn't know.
    We'd do the game of, jumping apart any time someone came into the room when we were kissing. :D To be honest I can't believe what I did at your age and I didn't even have a lock on my door at that time. :biggrin:

    You're at a beautiful time in your life, especially if you're falling in love, and sometimes secrets can make it all the more worthwhile.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2010
  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I don't think it's necessary to tell your parents just yet- especially if you think it may not be a 'for sure' life choice for her; or both of you.
    Things could change, right?
    And you're young... if say, your relationship became serious- then it might be nice to have a chat with your parents and let them know what's going on.

    I feel like you really need to talk with her.
    Communication is number one in any relationship, really... if you have concerns about her- then you should try to discuss them in a calm/casual manner.
    If things get heated- then back off a bit and take a break. It's good to take time to think about things...
    Also, as I previously said... you're still young. Things don't have to be serious and 'for sure' just yet- but if you are serious about her, you should let her know.
    So, talk to eachother and don't bother with your parents/friends yet if it isn't necessary.
    I'm sure you can do it, just take it easy!
  7. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Every time I've chased a girl, it has effected my school work in a negative way. Even though one drove 200 miles to see me for the last time. Another asked me out 4 years later. And the last one was too melodramatic. All these girls till I was 34 just sidetracked me and effected my grades. Although, some good came from these. I have more experience and I know what I know now because of that.

    My bro told me about his floormate that had a high school girlfriend in another college. She broke up with him during college and he said that he doesn't like girls anymore. You don't want to have to make a compromise between choosing schools based on a relationship that may not last.

    Maybe, I'm too cynical. But I'm sure that most grown ups are not optimistic that school sweethearts are going to last. I just saw real world Austin. Mel and Danny got married and broke up, who would have thought.

    I'm just saying yall have to look at yall's cards.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2010
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    That doesn't sound selfish to me. If you were being selfish, you wouldn't worry about her going through the trouble of coming out of the closet. You just wouldn't care about what difficulties you caused her.

    Still, this is a difficult situation. I would look long and hard at it, and decide just how much she means to you. Isn't it better to have a relationship with someone than push them away?
  9. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    We all have valid opinions about this.

    My opinion is that you need to find out who you are before you get serious. You life long goals and major decisions should not be effected in any way by any relationship. You need to enjoy life and not put you eggs in one basket at this age. You have so many more people to meet and things to do before you get serious. Don't let yourself alter any future goals because of anyone. I could see that happen with young people in love. Like couples who stay in the same city or go to the same college. You need to work on your future right now. Your friend should understand that.
  10. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for your help. I'll talk to her more about it and think our options over. Thanks again everyone!!
  11. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's a phase.
    When I found out I fell for a girl, I questioned myself all over again and again about it was a phase or not. It took me a while to get used to and still to this day I love her.
    So I say go for it, if your heart tells you if it's right then just go and don't look back.
  12. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    um, okay. I still need help, and I apologize to all those who gave me advice. I didn't leave the girl and neither of us have told our parents. However, her parents are REALLY perceptive, and we worry that they've figured it out because her parents just said that they needed to talk to her when she asked if she could come see me today. I know we may be freaking out over nothing, but, going off of this suspicion, we know that her parents will be fine with it. However, I don't think mine will be... What should I do?
  13. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    If her parents do know and talk to her about it later on, does that mean that your parents have to know too? Or is there a chance that her parents would tell yours? Just wait it out and see what they have to say, and if need be, ask them to not mention anything to your parents until you are good and ready to tell them yourself.
  14. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    There is a really good chance that her parents would tell mine, and I'm sure that even if I asked, they would tell, considering we spend a lot of time together and if her parents found out they would only allow supervised visits, so if she came to my house my parents would have to watch us.
  15. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Watch you do what? >_< I could understand if it were male and female because of the chance of the female becoming pregnant if anything untoward were to happen, but girl and girl I really don't see what they need to be fearful of. If anything were going to happen romanticly between you two, it would have happened already and so there is no point to them preventing it from happening again.. if you catch my drift. I guess they won't see it that way though.

    If you're 100% certain that they'll tell your parents, then tell them first. I'm sure they'd prefer it coming from you. But.. wait and see what they say first. You might just be worried over nothing.
  16. Sardonia

    Sardonia Well-Known Member

    Okay, thank you for the advice and for calming me down... though you are right about the whole "if anything were to happen romantically between us" thing.... :shy:

    again, thank you for the advice
  17. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    They're heterosexuals, they're clinging to heteronormative standards because it comes naturally to them.