Please help me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PleasehelpmePregnant, Jun 12, 2010.

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  1. Help me
    I have no one. Please someone help me. My mom messed me up, and now I guess I am ruining my childrens' lives. My own mother doesn't like me. My husband hates me, and thinks I am gross. If I knew someone would take care of my youngest I would kill myself right now. He would be so lost. My daughter doesn't like me anyways, I guess she knows I am ruining her. My oldest has his dad. *What about My toddler? Who would take care of him? I guess he would get over it pretty fast. He is so young. My husband could just tell everyone and the kids I died because of pregnancy. Then the kids would only be sad for a little while, and would grow up normal. I tried to look up help. I thought about how I can't even make it through one day without help at the house. I can't even clean my house right. Help with the office. My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I am always doing something wrong to the kids. Like yelling, not cooking, not playing with them, and not wanting to be bothered with them. I feed them fast food all the time, and I don't cook healthy. I really wish I could just die. I don't see any other solution. I haven't ever done these things right so why would it change now. Like My husband says I am a ****. I do everything on purpose. I thought that I was doing something right and not arguing. I guess since I have always been such and awful person this is what I get. I should have just killed myself when my son Andrew died like I planned. It was already evident that my husband didn't want to be around me anymore, and that he liked pornography better than me. Then I wouldn't have ever had my toddler and I wouldn't be pregnant now. My daughter was still so young, and my oldest would have understood. Now I just keep ruining everyone. I guess that is why my first husband left me. Because I am awful. Maybe it is my fault too why my mom doesn't love me. There is something wrong with me. I am the one with no friends or family. I am the one that my husband doesn't like anymore. I still like him, he has friends, his family loves him. I guess he is right. He is wrong about thinking I think I am a victim. He will probably think I am trying to get sympathy or something. I guess that is why I can't talk to him anymore. If I tried to talk to him he might get more mad at me, or he will just act like he wants to get along. Then when he gets
    Mad at me again it just hurts more. Whatever. I can't be alone I don't *have any money, I can't take care of the house or kids, so what is even the purpose of sticking it out? If he wants to leave me, and he doesn't want to be around me, what does it matter anymore? What a realization that I really have no one anymore. Not one person in the whole world to talk to. **
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello, firstly I understand all these things at once can be overwhelming and seem like there is no escape out, I am sorry that you feel the only solution would be to take your own life, trust me that is not the answer. Your kids would not move on believe me, something like that would tear them apart.

    You need to take a step back and it will take time, but if you take each problem one at a time, you will find day by day it will get easier. Have you spoken to a doctor/professional about how you feel?
  3. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Firstly, it is nice to meet you sweetheart and I hope you will be ok :hugtackles:You really shouldn't think these things sweetheart. Your children need you, OK maybe feeding them fast food all the time and not playing with them isn't the best thing to do. Especially when your youngest is only a toddler and you are now pregnant. If you are from the UK, I can give you many websites for baby clubs whom will send you out accurate information about feeding your children and healthy recipes for them. Not only for your children but also for you so that you have a healthy pregnancy and set your new child up for a healthy life style. Are you seeing your doctor regularly? Taking your folic acid and all the needed proteins and vitamins?? :hugtackles:

    About your husband, when you got married he obviously loved you or he would not have married you. Perhaps you could talk to him and try to work things out, maybe think of just trying to work it out for the children. And if you can't, then your children will understand and you can both get on with your lives and be happy. But if you are even the tiniest bit concerned about fixing your marriage then maybe the two of you could go to a marriage counsellor? :) It worked for my parents and then went through a horrendous time when my father was diagnosed as a manic depressive and an alcoholic, while my sister at the time was diagnosed as a drug addict and a bi-polar depressive. And then my mum was left to look after a suicidal teenager, a drunk father, a 10 year old, and a 7 year old.. It must have been so hard for my mother. I can not even begin to understand. And then when my father drank too much he became verbally abusive and was cheating on my mother and emotionally abusing. I remember hearing them fight every single night from my bed and crying with my little brother. It haunts me. But luckily he got help and then my parents got help- and you wouldn't even know there was ever anything wrong between them.

    Are you currently attending a doctor or a counsellor? Is your doctor aware of your suicidal thoughts? If not, then I would advise making an appointment as soon as possible because as hard as it sounds right now, things honestly do get better but YOU have to give it time and YOU need to want to get better. This is the first step to recovery. And if you make that effort to help yourself then you will soon find your relationship at home and your personal happiness improving :IrishDoll: But just know that it is a very long road and it will probably be the hardest thing you ever do- but do you not think you should try for your children?

    Another thing, your husbands attitude and the way he treats you makes me feel physically sick. How dare he treat you this way! You are his wife, he is supposed to treat you with love and respect in sickness and in health. And you are also the mother of your children, pregnancy is a gift from God and I can not believe he is not treating you with this god like respect! I wonder would be treat his own mother like this... Ever think that you are being emotionally and verbally abused by your husband? Think about it extremely hard. And if you think so then perhaps you should ask the huge question of-
    Would I be better off without him? Would your children be better off without him? But only you can answer this my love.

    Please feel free to message me at any point what-so-ever if you are low, or if you need some help. I am always here for you :sleepy: xoxooxoxooxoxoxoxox
  4. I took the kids to the park today. I normally cook, but I am so tired. I have only been cooking once a day. I painted my dd fingernails. I just feel like it isn't enough. Yesterday we went swimming, and watched a movie. I have felt like this so many times. I take antidespressants, and I do try so hard. It just seems like even when I do a lot and I am proud of myself. It isn't enough. My dd yells at me and tells me she hates me, and my dh always finds something I didn't do. I just feel like everyone else can't be wrong and I'm right. I am to the point where I literally have no one anymore. Not one friend or family member. If I am not mean or a bad person why doesn't anyone like me? Why does my mom not want to talk to me? Why doesn't my dh love me anymore? Why can't I just be like everyone else?
  5. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Well then it sounds like you are actually spending a lot of time with your children and being a proper mother to them. Addressing the cooking, if you feel you can only cook once a day because of tiredness, why not cook a few meals and freeze them so they can be easily heated and work as healthy and quick meals for you and your children instead of fast food? As for the problems with your mother. Maybe that is only something a counsellor can help you sweetheart. If I were you, I would seek to be referred to one as soon as you can :hugtackles:

    If he doesn't love you any more. That is something unfortunately you will have to work through and get help and support through and keep yourself safe for your children because like someone previously stated, a child never gets over the death of their mother. They would never forgive you if they found out when they are older that it was self inflicted.. Do you love your children? If the answer is yes, then you will do everything in this world to keep them and yourself healthy and happy! :hugtackles:

    Don't forget we are always here! :rose:
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    why does your husband think you are gross?
  7. Jesus_Christ_Superstar

    Jesus_Christ_Superstar Account Closed

    Hi. You sure sound like you're overwhealmed at the moment. You need to take some time for yourself, to let yourself rest and relax. Your children are young and they really need their mother in their lives. Please don't contemplate suicide. Your husband sounds like he is being too critical of you. Everyone makes mistakes and he should be more forgiving of you. You're not ruining your family. Love yourself and your family will love you too. :hug:
  8. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Jesuschristsuperstar is COMPLETELY right in saying this. You do really need to take some time off, could you go stay with a friend or family member to get a wee holiday and to relax and enjoy yourself? This would do you the world of good :) :hugtackles:
  9. I tried so hard.I have been cleaning really well, and cooking all the time. I have been not bothering much about work and helping me. I try so hard but it isn't ever right. I forgot to buy syrup yesterday and we were out. So I went to the grocery and really stocked up. I asked my dh if he would help me unload it. Some girl stopped in front of our house and stared at us. It was so odd. My dh started acting funny, so I went through his car. There I found hidden about a hundred DVDs of porno. Most of it was tapes he made of me where he hid the camera. He was supposed to have thrown all that away four years ago. Now I know why he hates me so much. I am not good enough. I am not a Porno. He doesn't care about me anymore. I have done everything he asked me to do the past month. I am still a bitch, and I can't even buy syrup. Our daughter didn't have syrup. I can't take it anymore. I just want to die. All I wanted was a happy family. I just wanted to do everything right. Now I have no one. Nothing. Not even a mom. My own mom doesn't want me. I feel sorry for my toddler because he doesn't understand.y daughter will be happy I gone. My oldest will be better off with his dad anyways. I am going go leave the key to my safety deposit boxes with someone. All the evidence is in there. Maybe I will mail the key to the police. I wonder how many more ambien it is going to take. I only wish I could have given this baby to someone before I died that really wanted a baby. But then this baby might turn out just like me.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You're being too hard on yourself hun. No one is perfect. It's ok if you forgot to buy the syrup. Someone else can go out and buy it. You're not a bitch. You're a kind and caring mom who is trying her best to raise her kids and be a good wife. And you're not getting the support that you need, not even from your own mother, who is supposed to love you unconditionally.

    Please don't give up hun. Your family needs you, even though they don't show it. Talk to them and tell them how they're making you feel. Don't kill yourself, because your family will be heartbroken. :console: :hug:
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I feel very bad for you and am sorry you're going through so much. Dont forget to pray. I just said a prayer for you. The people in your life seem to be using you as a scapegoat. They are pushing all their negatvity into you. DONT believe them and dont stand for it. Usually its the BEST people who get put into this position. Your children need you and love you. I lost my Mother as a child and it effected my whole life. DONT leave them PLEASE.

    Look into 12 step groups and you will find people who will relate to your issues and will offer help. You need to surround yourself with positive people.

    Also you are doing a GREAT job it seems to me. It is so hard to do anything with all that stress,but you do . Give yourself some credit. I DO.

    I really think you are a GREAT person. You are just under attack and are being made a sacrifice for others bad feelings about themselves.PLEASE STAY WITH US. We will LOVE you and HELP you and CARE. Dont let the ones who hurt you destroy you AND your children. Seek help desperately. Churches,Charites, 12 Step groups, Therapy,low cost therapy, Group therapy Hospitals. Whatever it takes. PLEASE. WE LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU HERE!!!!

    Write me if you like,

  12. Well, evidently four isn't enough. I awake for the day to start my chores. I guess I can't even kill myself right. Getting up to shower, and start cleaning before everyone else gets up and wants breaksfast. Now I am really pissed off because I will be three days whiter on my ambien and they won't refil it. I gies I thous have taken five. Thank you for all of your kind words. I really don't have another soul in this world who cares about me. Even my inlaws dislikes me. They think I spend a lot of money, when it is really my dh not me. I cloth diape for gooness sake. Today is my mil birthday and I know it will be really awkward. My todller has diareaha, soaybr I will just drop the gift off. I guess I need to apologize to my dd too and ask her for forgivness for acting so mean yesterday.
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Sorry things are still so tough. PLEASE DONT DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOURSELF PLEASE. WE CARE. We are hewre for you always. please remember that!!!!
  14. My dh hasn't said two words to me. I gues he just hates me so much. You should have heard him belittling me for being so stupid for not getting his daughter syrup. I was so angry last night I threw the DVDs at him and it broke the glass on my oven. Great. I have no one nothing. I can't even feed my family when he leaves me. Now I tried to of last night and I probably destroyed my baby's brain. Now I can't even kill myself right. Now if I can't get the guts up to try again what am I going to do. Live with myself that I harmed my baby? Go have the baby and they say thy he is retarded now what did you do to him? Your a horrible person to dothis to a baby, and I am.
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Please don't give up hun. I'm sure your baby is ok. :hug:
  16. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Your baby may be perfect. Dont stress that may cause problems.Make sure you go to the doctors soon. You arent a terrible person. You seem like a heroic person considering the stress your under. PLEASE dont put yourself down. Thats just th evoice o fth eabusers ringing in your head. BE good to yourself. The things youve done are no that bad. You need to get around other people to help you feel better. 12 steps and other support groups will help. I promise. And we are here for you too ALWAYS.
  17. NoWayForward

    NoWayForward Member

    This is a symptom, not a cause, of the degeneration of the relationship to the point where the connections of intimacy are not occuring.

    If the relationship is not repaired, he will seek that intimacy (and sex) elsewhere in a matter of months.

    But it's NOT because you're "gross". He married you! And made a baby with you. And, after that, made another one!! He wanted exactly you! This is a fixable problem, but as I and my son's mother did not succeed in fixing it, I can't provide the roadmap. In hindsight, she tried; it was just late. And it was a mistake to leave her; I'm on this forum now!!

    Europeans sometimes say there's no lovers' conflict which can't be solved in the bed. Although not comprehensively true, it's a great start to reconnecting and maintaining the attention (at least for me). If his attention cannot be gained, and he cannot be reminded of how/why he love you... is there help?
    One problem at a time. The adage "take care of yourself first" applies! Put her on the back burner and try to bring the husband around. Get help with this if you can - after he decides to replace you, it'll be too late. It'll be his mistake (I attest!) but you will be OK.
    Ineffective. And you'd lose credibility at a time when you need him (and your kids, rebellious though they may be) to believe in you.
    You are not flawed. At least, not more than anyone else. Your problem is strictly situational.
  18. NoWayForward

    NoWayForward Member

    One more question

    Why has your husband become so disinvolved in raising the kids? Since, before a few months (when you guys conceived the latest), he was (probably) excited about the idea, he should be reminded that he has a role in helping you out, even going so far as to pick up syrup if you've forgotten it (if he wanted to be such a sweetheart, he might even get some attention)....

    BTW, the ambien is pregnancy class B, so don't worry too much about it....
  19. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I understand much of what you're saying because I've been through it. I have no friends, no family. Even online it seems like people avoid me like the plague. Deep down, I guess I know I'm smart. I have a sense of humor, etc.. It just seems to happen to some of us. Some of what you say seems to not be reality but rather your negative interpretations of things, perhaps symptoms of depression. I've been through some trainwrecks of relationships. I know how much damage that can do especially when you have your own issues. I understand how everything can be overwhelming. You certainly have a lot on your plate. It sounds like everything around the house is up to you and it shouldn't be like that, especially when you're pregnant. You can't fix all these things at once and certainly not by yourself. Try to take things one at a time. When things start to get better some things will take care of themselves. In the meantime have you suggested marriage counseling to your husband. I'm pulling for you. I hope you can hang in there. Regardless of how certain people may think they feel right now, they would be devastated if you took your life.
  20. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Please let us know how you are? I send hope and prayers.
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