Please help me...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Minni, Aug 5, 2010.

  1. Minni

    Minni Member

    Hello, everyone.

    First off, thanks to anyone who is willing to listen to me. As I am desperate. And do not know where else to turn to.
    The following story is pretty long, so I do appreciate for reading. :) Thanks in advance.

    I am a 18-year old student currently about to graduate in less than 8 months. I wish to study medicine and become a doctor after graduation.
    I am in love with a wonderful woman. I have been with her for almost one year now. We are in a long-distance relationship and I just recently revealed this to my parents.
    They did not seem to have any objections at first, but in time...i realised just how much it bothered them for me to be with another I am a woman.
    I am by no means naive. I know very well the risks and hardships of a long-distance relationship. My need for her to be close to me as her need for me to be close to her is growing stronger with each passing day.

    As graduation is coming closer, I have spend a lot of time alone thinking about my future. There are people in my life who are irreplaceable. My family...and my love. I would like for them to stay in my life forever.
    My mother is a very overprotective parent. She cannot bear me being far away from her as she begins to miss me terribly and yearn for me to be home with her. I love her. I really do. But if things were going her way, then I would have to stay in Germany. Work until my seminar in university begins and become a doctor in the future.
    She would like forget about the woman I have feelings for. The woman I care for most. And the woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.
    To be honest. I cannot fulfill her wish. I need my love. I cannot live my life without her. I cannot lie to myself and believe that my dream job is more important than the person I'm most likely going to live with for the rest of my life. It's not like I cannot have both. I would like to come visit her after graduation, come back to Germany and begin my medical study. When she is old enough, she can come visit me on her own. But for now, things are in my hands.
    The problem is, that my mother is mentally instable. I have witnessed her wanting to commit suicide before my eyes, deliberately using very...cruel methods to demonstrate just what I caused her to do just by not wanting to follow the path she had layed down for me. She has smashed her head against the wall, has tried to stab herself with a kitchen knife.
    I cannot see her do this to herself. And eventually, I give in. And succumb to her demands.
    I know she loves me. I know. I'm not blaming her for her actions. I just wish, she would love me in a different way. I wish she would give me love that would make me happy. And not this destructive love. It destroys me as a person. If anything happens to her, I cannot forgive myself.
    Yet, still I am too selfish. I want to be in the arms of my love. I want to go away from this place. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be free wandering to one place then to the other without anyone holding me back. I just want to be free.
    But my mother's love does not give me freedom. Sure, it offers me protection and a warm home. Yet, I want to fly away from this place. Then come back and be just happy to be back.
    Can't I have both?
    My Dad has forbidden me to go meet the woman of my life. Because she has not reached the age of 18 yet. To be honest I know he is only trying to prevent me from meeting her. And when I finally can, he will find other reasons to restrict me.
    Promised me over and over again that I can do whatever I wished when I have graduated. Now graduation is coming close and they back off their promises, saying they have never said such things.
    They did it so many times.
    He threatened to call international police and file a report for kidnapping to get me back to Germany if I try to run away from home to be with my love. I wonder if he will succeed with that when I'm 19 already.
    Here, I see myself in chains again.
    What now?
    I cannot lie either. I wish to solve this issue with nothing but the truth. Because this is what my parents have taught me. To be true to yourself and the people around you. And it is something I hold on to very tightly.
    My best friend has suggested lying to them. So I can finally live my life. I have not followed her advice. And thus I am in this situation. Desperate and helpless in every way.
    I just want somebody to take me away.
    Take me away from this place.
    I want to leave this place. But I cannot.

    Please help me.
    I want the people I love to be safe and happy. But they are not.
    Would it all be easier if I wasn't on this earth?
    My mom wouldn't try to kill herself over me.
    My love would not have to wait for me.
    Everyone, would just be fine.
  2. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    I guess if it is true love then your woman will be happy to wait for you. So just wait until she is older before you two meet up and start living together. It is a lot easier to have a co-existing relationship with someone when you are self-dependent and have a stable job and other life.

    As for your mum - is there any way you can come to some mutual arrangement? Like ask her if she'd be happy to move to a different city with you for your study?

    Is there no university in the town you are living in now?

    I'll share a story for you that I read on another website which kind of relates to your situation I guess about having to deal with a suicidal mum:

    The small church was crowded. All around me people worshiped a god that I didn’t believe existed. Why was I there? My neighbor asked me to come. To be honest, I thought they would leave me alone if I did.

    I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had attended services with my family a few times, but it was more of a ritual or a way to celebrate holidays. What I hadn’t anticipated was the wetness pressed against my eyelids as I clenched them shut.

    My motto? Never let them see you cry. I wasn’t about to break down in front of people I didn’t know. I wasn’t crying because I felt the presence of God or that I sensed his love for me. I fought tears because I was mad, so angry that I shook inside.

    How dare the preacher stand there and talk about the love of God. It was easy for him and people like him to spout off about a God who existed, who had a purpose for every person. Well, maybe their God had taken a personal interest in them but he didn’t live at my house.

    The mother I am about to share with you is the not the mom I have now. You see, she had an encounter with God, and he brought her out of the darkness of emotional pain and healed her. In order to share my story, I have to share a little bit of hers as well.

    My mom left home at 16 years old, pregnant and newly married to a boy who thought he was a man. She lost her first baby to cystic fibrosis when the toddler was less than two years old. She had her second child at 18 and left her husband at the age of 21. He came to visit her one night and forced her to have sex. She discovered two weeks later she was pregnant.

    I was that baby.

    Mom married a good man who loved her and the two little kids that came as a package deal. But in spite of this turn of events, my mom was fragile.

    Growing up, I never knew what to expect. There was physical abuse and apologies. There were humiliating punishments, harsh words, and tearful requests for forgiveness.

    It wasn’t always bad in my home, but when it was it was loud and chaotic and frightening. I feared one day that my mom would pull the trigger or hurt herself. I hated the words that came out of her mouth when she was angry.

    One day my mom chased me through the house, brandishing an umbrella as she screamed at me. I ran out the door and into the rain. I was wearing a T-shirt and jeans and no shoes. The cold rain pelted me as I ran down Latimer Street. I pushed through the wetness, pumping my arms as I ran as fast as I could. Finally I stopped, bending down to catch my breath as my tears meshed with the raindrops. I slowly turned around and walked home, sat on the curb, and wept until my throat closed.

    I was stuck. I couldn’t run away. I had no money, no place to go.

    I started smoking at the bus stop, pushing boundaries with my teachers, and drinking with my best friend. My attempts to be tough must have appeared hilarious to others. I was skinny to a fault and looked younger than my age. Being tough didn’t come natural. My heart was gentle and I hated conflict and fighting, yet every single time I let my guard down someone hurt me.

    That’s when the hardness crept in. Never let them see you cry. Never give them a chance to know you care.

    One day it all came to a head. My mom pulled us around her in her bedroom. She put a gun to her head and threatened to shoot herself. I was scared, but not because I thought she would die, but because under my breath I whispered, “just do it”.

    Who was this person I was becoming?

    Two years later I stood in the little church. The pastor sang, strumming on the guitar as people knelt at the altar. “He loves you,” he said. “He has a plan for your life.”

    I challenged God. “If you are real,” I whispered, “If you exist and you know me and you love me like he says, I need to know.”

    I expected nothing, yet I received everything as a tender touch reached past my hardened heart. I’ve had trouble explaining this moment to people over the years. “Did you see God?” No. “Did you feel God’s presence?” Yes, but so subtle and deep inside of me, touching areas that I had closed long ago to anybody, that I knew it was God.

    I stumbled from the church. I ran home and told my mom that I had just got “saved”, though I really didn’t understand what had occurred.

    My circumstances were still the same, but everything was different on the inside of me.

    I made mistakes, huge blunders as I tried to learn what it meant to follow Jesus as my Savior. I wasn’t perfect, but I understood his love. The people of that little church ministered to me in ways they will never understand. There were times I wept at the altar and then went home to chaos. There were times I fell in my walk with Christ and their gentle encouragement helped me to keep going.

    It is amazing what can happen when God restores a broken life. It can be beautiful like the portrait that my mom is now, the shattered pieces of her life assembled together in a beautiful picture of God’s mercy.

    Today I am a mom, an author, a speaker, and a wife. I have the opportunity to share the story of my life and the beauty of purpose and the fact that God loves us from the beginning.

    I found a note from my dad under my pillow one day. I still carry it with me, the tattered pieces a reminder of what God has done. My quiet father, who very rarely shared the depth of his emotions, said in that letter, “I have watched you and I see that you have something that is of great worth, a treasure. I know that it is real and I admire you for your faith and your love for God.”

    We have never spoken of that letter, but it came at a time when I prayed for a sign. “God, show me that you hear my prayers. Heal my family. Let me know that you are listening.” The folded piece of paper under my pillow was heaven sent and priceless.

    For years my mom and I have been friends. She is compassionate, loving, and sometimes she’s still fragile, but she’s beautiful to me.

    I am still running after the same God that touched my life. He’s been with me through good and difficult times, but my love for him will always be wrapped around that first moment when he reached down to an angry, hurting girl and silently whispered that he loved me.

    I still can’t help but whisper back, “I love you too”.
  3. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Hey, any updates as to your situation?