please, help me

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by victor, Nov 17, 2010.

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  1. victor

    victor Account Closed

    hey there. been trying to post this twice last nite using a mobile, but both times there were a connection problem and i couldnt do that. then i thought id just forget this forum n try n do it on my own. but i cant, i so cant. and i cant afford myself to fail.
    something major happened yesterday. dont want to talk about it right now, it hurts:( but my life will never be the same again. it happened for better or worse, im stil yet to find out. it could be for better, if i make things right. perhaps its a sign from the God that i cant waste no time no more. now i am forced to take steps. cant just wait and hope and pray. i need to try and make things right, i know i can, but to achieve that i have to be strong, every day. i cant relapse. that would end everything, one mistake, one moment of weakness and its all gone, i'd lose my last chance of happiness. and if this would happen, i know very well, what would follow: if i screw up and lose my last opportunity i have, i know exactly how it'd would be.. id start drinking to kill the pain and guilt, then id go back to cocaine and all this dodgy stuff. i went thru this and i know myself, so i know. i was lucky to get back to life from all this once, but i wouldnt make it again. coz i had ppl around who cared and helped me, but not anymore. and i also tend to set myself on self destructive mode, and i refuse any help, coz i want to destroy everything. n now there'll be no one to even offer that help. so i know, if i fail becouse of my weaknes, even ill end up in jail, or in the street as drugs addict, or simply killing myself. and i dont want that:( i got so far!!! im stil here and im stil fighting!!! i dont wanna it all to go down the drain, dont want my life to be over after i suffered so much.
    now if ill do everything what is possible, if ill be able to put the hand on my heart and tell myself that i did EVERYTHING i could, if after that i stil fail, then i might just accept it, that it wasnt meant to be. then i wont blame myself and i ll stil have a chance to do smth with my life
    ive learnt so much in recent months, and changed so much. and theres stil so much to learn. im so much stronger now, but stil not enough.
    i need to trust God and believe that if i'll try hard enough and make everything right, He will help me and make my prayers come true.
    but i cant do it on my own, i know ill fail, i know im not that strong. i already got so much support on here, and its the only place i can turn to now. ure the only ones i can talk to.
    so please, please, dont leave me in this fight on my own. please help me. talk to me, listen to me, bear with me when im down. sometimes a few good words can change it all. i want to live.. i want to be happy.. at least to stand a chance.. pls support me thru all this, its gonna be months of trying and fighting for me, please stand by me if u can. thank u
     
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Here if you need support vitas, it sounds like you're doing such a lot already to help with your problems. Be proud of that and don't lose sight of the progress you make. I don't know the nature of the incident which has you down at the moment, but you've come through plenty already and you can do it again. Depression and mental health are a long road and you can often go one step forward two steps back. But you will get there.

    Love and hugs,
    Chris
     
  3. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    keep posting and telling us whats on your mind vitas.
    i dont know what has happend to you yesterday but when you feel ready to talk about it we're here to listen and to support you.
    :hug:
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Vitas I can imagine what's happened and I'm really sorry. Its going to hurt for a while and you must expect that. The hurt will ease up though so don't worry.
    I want you to remember one thing and keep saying it every time you get upset. Use it like a mantra. What I want you to say is:
    GOD IS GOOD.
    The next thing that I want to say is 'Why on earth do you think you have to be strong every day?' Nobody is strong every day. It's absolutely impossible with this illness but even people with no mental issues at all can't be strong every day.
    You're worrying about things before they happen again. You may have 'off days' but it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll go out and destroy your life because of it. You might just stay in bed for the day and watch rubbish on the tv instead. We all go in and out of dips and have days where we can't really do anything. So stop worrying about that.
    Remember your 'mantra' - God is Good - and keep saying it.
    Sending lots of hugs xxx
     
  5. victor

    victor Account Closed

    shes getting engaged, thats what happened!!!!! and in next couple of months she'll be with him, and eventually she'll have to decide wether to marry him or break up an engagement and be with me. it doesnt mean nothing, this engagement, its a formal word for 'dating' in her country. it can be broken any time. so it doesnt mean nothing.
    exept that she'll be with him all of the time
    and that fact that i cant call or txt her no more from today, just emails
    and i wont spend the xmass with her
    i cant stop crying right now, it hurts so much, and shes not replying to my emails
    God is good, thats why i stil stand a chance and if ill stay strong and set the ground for our future, after couple of months she will break up with him and come to me
    i want to believe it, and i wont stop believing, becouse i know that she loves me
    but in the meantime ill have to stay strong, and every day, coz if for example i have a moment of weaknes and i get drunk and start calling her and txting her, and he sees it, that will be the end, thats what we agreed on. i need to leave her alone now and not to try to contact, exept emails. but how to be that strong in this unknown? how to go and get a job, and not to drink, and do everything right, and every day, while in this situation? i know i have a chance. but i need to capture it. for that i need to be strong. and for that i need u
    God is good and may he help me..
    but i stil cant stop crying right now;(
     
  6. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    ok i see what you mean by being strong. i can imagine how it must eat you up inside to know she's all the way over there with him and you cant contact her right now. but know that she loves you. you can still write her emails and use it as a diary to write your feelings down and get it off your chest. and you can also write your feelings down here!
    if you have to, hide your phone so you dont end up calling. and the best thing right now is to distract yourself as much as you can. keep yourself busy and surround yourself with people so you wont have the thoughts come back to your mind. distraction distraction distraction.
    it might be rough now but you have peolpe that will listen to you and give you advice!
    hang in there and talk to us ok?
    :hug:
     
  7. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i would delete her number from my phone...and take her off of speed dial (i know she's on there)...i am sure you have her number memorized, but it'll be harder and take longer to call or text her...and by the time you have the entire thing typed out or the entire number dialed, you will have had a few more seconds to realize it's not what you want to do right now...(on the same note, get rid of the alcohol in your home...if it's not there, you can't drink it)...

    another thing that helps me get through the REALLY hard moments is pretending she doesn't exist and she never existed...i know that sounds INSANE, but when i was as bad as you are right now, that's the only thing that got me through the day...

    what nationality is she??? i assume she's "engaged" b/c of familial pressures??? i'm indian, living in the states, and i could probably relate to her, and maybe help you figure out what's going on in her head...

    in the mean time, hang in there...talk to us...we're here to listen...
    i might be off SF for a couple days (definitely have a med school final exam that i'm going to fail b/c i can't focus enough to study as much as i need to...stupid depression)...but i'll be back friday...

    take care!!!
     
  8. victor

    victor Account Closed

    lol.. i cant do nothing but to strike a sad smile after reading ur advice. and thats and achievement, coz its stil a smile.
    First of all, i dont have her on speed dial. and theres no point to delete her from the phonebook coz i never use it, i always dial the number, i know it better than my date of birth.
    But the alcohol is true.. but i'd also have to burn that off licence shop next door lol
    and pretending that she never existed in my life.. well, as u said it urself, it is insane
    thank u anyway for texting, ill be strong, i just have to share it all, coz if ill keep it inside its gonna kill me. thank u
     
  9. victor

    victor Account Closed

    i cant sleep, i need my baby:( im tired of dreams and fantasies, i need her for real.. its so hard to sleep alone. n its just not right:(
     
  10. loopy

    loopy Well-Known Member

    Im sorry your having a hard time vitas.
    Hugs for you xx
     
  11. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i know my advice is insane (taking her off speed dial, deleting her number, pretending she never existed)...i know...and so you're gonna think this is insane, but you need to get a teddy bear or something to cuddle with (like a body pillow or something)...i NEVER in my life had a teddy bear, until i had to let go of somebody i loved very much who i couldn't sleep without...i know it's insane...but it's the only way i can get through the days...

    i took mine off speed dial for awhile, and pretended they didn't exist, and now i've gotten through the hard part, and so they're back on speed dial, and they exist again...i still sleep with the teddy bear tho (shh!...lol)...

    HANG IN THERE...i PROMISE YOU, it will get better...it will SERIOUSLY take months, but it will get better...i may be wrong, but you are probably feeling like your heart is racing and you can't breathe and like you drank 6 cups of coffee in 15 minutes...it's basically an anxiety/panic attack at random moments throughout the day...and i can tell you that it will go away in about 2 weeks...but the pain will take a very long time...but it gets better...it really does

    come talk to us...we are here...
     
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    How are you feeling today Vitas?
     
  13. victor

    victor Account Closed

    thank u 4 ur msgs.. yeh, thats what it is, panic attacks. thats the worst part of it. and i feel that one is on the way to come any time now:(
    but i was doing very well today, very very well, probably the best day in all this period so far, coz i kept cool, didnt panic, and was doing constructive things
    she helped me a lot by sending a warm n lovely email
    but she promised to call me tonite, and im starting panicing that she might not
    coz she was suppossed to call yesterday, but didnt
    i dunno what is the matter with me, i know the situation, i know its gonna be like this 4 a while now, i know all this and i should be happy she sent me that email and not to start going crazy about the call which might not happen
    coz it might happen as well
    but i cant control it, i need to learn to control it, but dunno how
     
  14. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    keep talking to us!

    it gets better...it really does...you will be surprised how good it is in a single month...

    get a teddy bear...seriously... :)
     
  15. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    it will get better! the situation is new for you and your not used to it so you panic. my finance is in afghan for 5 more months (1 year total) and when he left i was losing my mind. it was one of the two worst times in my life bc i cant call him either.
    the teddy bear really helps. i have a stuffed piggy :shy: lol
     
  16. victor

    victor Account Closed

    u guys r fuckin crazy, thats why i love u lol thank u loads 4 ur support. cant really imagine myself with a teddy in bed lol
    ur bf is a soldier? God, that must be hard hes in a war zone:( m so happy m not alone and it helps.. that panic attack never came, im lucky, so far so good all day going strong. what else do u do guys, to keep on strong? exept the teddy that is lol
     
  17. Suizide

    Suizide Member

    I'm sorry about that girl but man, I've been in a TON of relationships and if she's not there for you and with someone else, you need to let it go. There are millions of potential mates, she's not the only one. I thought that about a few people and now I think "what the hell was I thinking"? I'm with a guy now who has put up with sooo much from me and he refuses to leave me, THAT is love. You can do better.
     
  18. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You know I'm really sorry to say this Vitas because I know how much you love her, but I'm starting to think that's shes being really cruel to you.
    She must know how much she's upsetting you and if she cared then she'd cut all contact or alternatively choose you.
    This getting in touch/not getting in touch is torture for you and cruel of her. There's no excuse for her to behave in this way.
    Try to stay strong xxx
     
  19. victor

    victor Account Closed

    pls dont talk like this:( its not true!!! its also hard 4 her, very hard. i know she should probably keep in touch a bit more to help me thru, but shes trying. i havent been in tons of relationships, but ive been in a few n i never felt anything not even close. she is the one. i know it and i feel
     
  20. victor

    victor Account Closed

    if she'd cut all the contacts i wouldnt survive. she tried. just to protect me. that day when she tried i became a member here. thanks to God and to u im stil alive and i went thru that and shes stil here! thats why i came here that day, not to seek 4 help to recover from losing her - i wouldnt bother seeking help, but to seek 4 help to get strenght to fight and get her back. pls try to understand, im nothing without her, she changed my life forever. i kept telling before that ppl cant change no matter how hard they try. but i did! i cant lose her:(
     
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