Please help me.

[Anime-Zodiac]

I feel like i'm in the process and near the edge of losing the plot.

I'll explain my story: I have a sex/porn/masturbation addiction. At first it was fine but over the years, it has taken over my life. I would spend hours surfing online for this stuff and it would cut into other parts of my life. As of july last year, I started to develop thoughts and feelings about touching members of the opposite sex. It's mainly brushing or touching there hands but I feel like I will do this if i'm not of strong mind.

This has led me to be scared to go out because off course I don't want to do anything horrible. I don't want to be this animal, this horrible person.

I have seen a professional for a initial assesment and they think I have some sort of OCD. But I feel it's more than that. I have been doing so much research on this sort of thing I know it's more of a chemical imbalance. My family have a history of mental illness, so it's very likely that i have it as well because of all this I am going through.

I've been put on the waiting list but the list is long and I don't think I will be seen soon enough. I'm just very scared and upset. It hurts like hell to be this way.

On top of that, I have become suicidal. If I ever mess up, I will seriously consider killing myself.

I have a girlfriend, who is the greatest thing in my life. I don't want to lose my battle.

I've thought about handing myself in to a mental institute or something. I just want to get better sooner rather than later.

Any advice would be appreciated greatly.

 

[total eclipse]

i think if you feel unsafe unstable then perhaps going to the emerg dept sooner then your doc appt may help the pdoc there can prescribe you something until you get in to see your doc short stay hospital might help to0

 

[solutions]

So...you don't think you have OCD? Kind of seems like you're downplaying how serious that illness is, since you said you think it's "more than that." OCD is, in fact, a bitch.

Just to be clear, you're repressing these urges, right? You might be suffering from Pure OCD, if you don't have any rituals.

I mean, it sounds like classic OCD to me. There's a thought that one is afraid to act upon and thinking of acting out the thought causes severe distress. That's what OCD is.

If you don't think it's OCD, what else do you think it could be? You being a sexual deviant and psychopath? Doubtful, considering how you feel about it. I don't see the major problem. There would only be a problem if you were acting out on these thoughts. But thoughts are just thoughts.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Thank you both for your replies.

I don't have any rituals. I understand where your coming from. I did not mean to play down the OCD but I think it's the OCD combined with other stuff.

The thing about this, is that it's more than thoughts, all the time I feel my arms tense up, and I know that if I don't stay strong minded, then I will give in.

I've registered on other sites that have forums sections based on porn, etc addiction, and I can relate to it and feel the same way. I even saw someone who had the same problems as I have.

 

[solutions]

But...it still sounds like you're in control of your actions, even if it takes some effort. You sound like you're ashamed of yourself. You really shouldn't be. In clinical psychology, I have heard, someone who has obsessive thoughts about doing something they don't want to do, if they haven't done them yet, chances are very good that they won't. Almost everyone suffers from intrusive thinking at some point or another and some suffer from obsessive thoughts, but they're only ever a problem if we act on them, or we let it get to us so much that we stop being able to function.

Christ, man, I've had spontaneous thoughts of murdering my friends and girlfriends. It's made my heart race and sent my anxiety into overdrive. As awful as it is, I never acted on any of it. And no one wants to admit thinking things like that. You can still bet that everyone has at some point.

If you still don't believe me, I'd understand. I'm a 24-year-old Information Technology consultant who studies psychology, suicidology, and clinical therapy as a hobby. A trained therapist, if you can get one, would be much better at this kind of thing. But I don't think you need to check yourself into a hospital, unless you're feeling so bad and so obsessed that it's keeping you from functioning.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Thanks again for your reply, it's greatly appreciated.

I totally understand where your coming from. I'm ashamed and don't like what I have become. All this has eventually made me a horrible person to be honest because I realized that I had become very selfish, not caring for others, no consideration, etc but i'm working on being the kind person I once was.

Thank you for explaining the whole thought process and it's not that I don't believe you, it's just that I am too afriad of myself and my thoughts and feelings.

Also, I got offered a job and had an induction today. The job is mainly cleaning but in a busy-ish motorway services where at certain points during the day and the week, there will be lots of people about. So this has made me feel worse today as well as other things.

And thanks for sharing some of the thoughts you have had, it helps me a bit.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Porn is addictive - and bear in mind it taps into a kind of primal instinct in which sex is just about the act itself. It's a powerful set of emotions being tapped into and I'd say it warps our perception of sex and sexuality. It degrades everyone involved as it turns something beautiful into a cash scenario. Also, the industry itself is one which does abuse women, and men also.

You have a girlfriend and yet your sexual needs are not satisfied. She is competing with the women you watch.

You should read up on some ex porn stars and see their take on things. Many are from abused backgrounds, and abuse in the industry and suicide, is well documented. I guess after having had several men on cocaine and Viagra - you must feel used. Note that a lot of porn gets extreme - and anyone new to the industry is generally 'broke in' by undergoing some humiliating experience.

A lot of porn is based around teenagers - teenage prostitutes are abused by many men in the UK who have the twisted view that its ok to abuse women.

Sure a few girls will say 'I've made lots of cash' - a few independent porn stars have cashed in - but nobody I know would want a daughter or sister or mother to be a porn star.

I wish it could be banished from the internet. Perhaps given its own xxx prefix as has been suggested. This way you'd need to sign in - I mean a latter signed, disclaimer and your own password sent out so you could enjoy actors and actresses simulating an interest in sex.

Being ashamed is a good start. Feel the shame, embrace it, let the porn stop.

I would recommend you get shock therapy - by reading Jenna Jameson's '25 Good Reasons Why No One Would Ever Want To Become a Porn Star -- (Compiled by AntiPornography.org)

Here is a taster...

“Most girls get their first experience in gonzo films - in which they're taken to a crappy studio apartment in Mission Hills and penetrated in every hole possible by some abusive asshole who thinks her name is Bitch. And these girls, some of whom have the potential to become major stars in the industry, go home afterward and pledge never to do it again because it was such a terrible experience.” (Pg. 132)

“In a worst-case scenario, a gonzo director will take a girl to a hotel room and have their friends shoot a cheap scene in which she is humiliated in every orifice possible. She walks home with three thousand dollars, bowed legs, and a terrible impression of the industry. It’ll be her first and last movie, and she’ll regret it – to her dying day.” (Pg. 325)

“In other scenarios, she’ll work for two weeks until she’s only getting paid seven hundred dollars a scene and then, finally, no one wants to use her anymore. So she’ll agree to do double penetration or drink the sperm of twelve guys just to stay working.” (Pg. 325)

I hope other men can read this book - and visit the website antipornography.org

Good luck!

Make love, not porn!

 

[solutions]

Okay, everything that I disagree with that PLG just said aside, one thing needs to be made clear.

You should not encourage this guy to feel ashamed for enjoying porn. Almost everyone enjoys porn. There isn't anything even the slightest bit shameful about it. It's normal. Yes, in excess, it can be disruptive to someone's life, which is what the OP is talking about. Excessive use of it can cause trouble. It's a problem. But it isn't shameful. It's not even his fault.

But not using it at all is a bit much.

I'll repeat: It's normal. Just don't overdo it.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Thanks for your replies Rocketpop & peacelovingguy. I agree that porn is soo degrading to women and i'm sure there are a lot of negativity in those who have gone through that industry. And I also agree with with Rockets point also.

From my point of view, porn has distorted my perception of reality, it's distored my values, etc. It's totally up to the individual if they want to watch that sort of thing. I just feel for me, it's damaging and I also feel sad for those women who have no other option than to go through that sort of thing.

Well, today I feel a lot better within myself, so that's good but I will still be seeing the doctor on tuesday since no doubt these thoughts and feelings will return.

Thanks again too you all.

 

[dazzle11215]

this is the best article i've read on sex addiction/specifically compulsive masturbation

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/articles/understanding-compulsive-masturbation.php

i encourage you to read it.

i struggle with being compulsive around my use of internet porn and masturbation, too. for me it's a consequence of being sexually abused as a child. some important wires got crossed and i have yet to uncross them. i also self harm and masturbate (don't freak out everyone!!!). i carry a lot of shame around this behaviour, but i've been doing it for a long time.

the best thing i can suggest is find a good therapist and tell them everything. i mean everything. i have an amazing therapist and she is helping me change these behaviours. a good therapist will know what to do and can get at those deeper issues.

as long as you want to start to heal from this you will def. get better. i believe in you. you are just going to need some help with it. if you think it's related to some early trauma then find someone who specializes in that. it's a powerful addiction, for the reasons listed in the article above, but you can overcome it.

good luck,

c

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Thanks Dazzle. I will read that article. Your advice and help is greatly appreciated.

Once I get to see a therapist, I will talk more in depth of my issues and try to put this across.

Thanks again to everyone who helped.

 

[peacelovingguy]

If viewing porn is normal its a recent change linked directly with the internet.

Before then very few men bought porn magazines or movies.

I was responding to someone who wants to stop using porn which is why I make a case against it.

Porn is often glamorised and I'm pointing out the grim realities of the trade.

At best you could maybe follow porn stars who genuinely enjoy what they do - I'm just not convinced that there are many.

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I prefer sex to be a private matter myself.

Each to their own though. What happens between or with consenting adults in private is not my concern.

PS - for a funny aside, if you ever wondered what you'd be called as a porn star choose the name of your first pet and use your first street or road for the surname.

Yours in disagreement, Tiger Richardson.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

UPDATE:

I have seen the doctor and he has put me onto a different anti-depresent called "Sertraline hydrochloride". I will see how things go with this and when I get to see a therapist.

 

[solutions]

Ah! Scary Akuma avatar!

Er, Sertraline is Zoloft. I had a bad time with Zoloft, personally...hopefully it'll work for you. Unfortunately, like all SSRIs, they take freaking forever to work, often four weeks or more before a therapeutic effect is reached. But I suppose that's not invariable, and people have responded within days, too. Good luck, and keep us posted.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Be careful, Akuma might be knocking on your door in the near future.

Yeah, I will probably see results in about 4 weeks or so. Thanks Rocket, i'll make a new thread in another part of the forum in about 4 weeks as an update of how it's going.

Till then, see you all around and thank you.

 

[dazzle11215]

just checking to see how you are doing.

i went ahead and installed the trial version of "net nanny" on my computer last night. it needs some tweaking (it blocked parts of this site, for instance, as well as some sexual abuse sites i visit) but i am hoping it keeps me away from the porn. for now i have the password as i want to see how it works, but i will have a friend switch the password when the trial is up.

i told my friend i was going to do this and she totally cracked up. she has it installed for her children. she said an adult should be able to monitor themselves without needing software to do it. i told her i'm unable to stop, and am looking at stuff that borders on illegal. even if it wasn't illegal, it's really bad for my mental health.

anyhow, wanted to share where i'm at right now. hope you are doing well,

c

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Hey Dazzle. I'm doing ok thanks. Started out on my new medication today which is fluoxetine. On top of that it's been around 13 weeks since i've viewed anything which is a new record for me, so that's good.
I think i'm starting to get back to normal. I have noticed that I can concentrate more and not day dream off as much. Before, I would day dream alot which could of been due to watching all the stuff.
Anyways, i'm going along better now.

Your right, it's not good at all for mental health. Perhaps your friend has a lack of knowledge, hence why they cracked up about it. Anyways keep on fighting and plugging away.

Best of luck and thanks for sharing.