Please help me :/

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by loner060, Apr 11, 2011.

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  1. loner060

    loner060 Member

    My Symptoms/Emotions/Etc.

    I feel emotionally unstable, I go through short to long periods of depression and at times anger. They never seem to last more than 2-3 days and I snap out of it and I feel good for a couple of days, than back to the same pattern.

    I feel paralyzed by my depression (and my moods) and get to a point where I don't want to move or talk to anyone.

    I am obsessed with relationships and every relationship (with men) I have ever had have been emotionally unstable. They are extremely powerful and intimate and I fall for them extremely hard. All of my relationships are extremely short anymore and powerful and when they end, it feels like my whole life has ended as well. I can't handle the end of these relationships and it leads me into periods of depression and rechlessness and having alot of suicidal thoughts.

    I don't see a purpose to life at all and I hate being alone. The only thing I hate more than being alone, is being rejected and abandoned by someone I love (which has happened to many times to count). I truly feel like I can't handle this anymore and can't get involved with another person again because I hit my breaking point.

    The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to be in a relationships where someone really cared as much as I did. I give my all in relationships, and I never get anything back... It's been proven time and time again that I am worthless and no one will ever really care. This bothers me more than anything, and as I stated above, I don't see a purpose more to my life than that, and at this point in my life I have no drive to be with anyone and I don't want to because I can't handle the pain anymore. I feel I have Flat-lined. I feel relentlessly empty inside, and never complete. I feel angry, but even more depressed about the thoughts of relationships.

    I have huge problems with my Self-Image and Self-Esteem. Some days I feel pretty and use it as power to get what I want and others I could look in the mirror and jump off a cliff because I can't stand how I look. I know that my image will never be enough to keep a partner around, it will never be good enough or accepted enough for me to be cared about. I've spent an immense amount of time and money on my image and still I am not happy with it, and no one else it either.

    My weight is a huge struggle for me, I hate taking my antidepressants because I feel they prohibit me from losing weight, I have been struggling to lose the same 10 lbs. for ober a year now, and all I do is end up gaining weight. I'm disgusted by this weight gain, and presently I am appalled by my image, even though I get alot of attention from people and constant compliments on how good I look. I work as a promotional model currently and really don't know how I got the job. When I go out and party I dress very promiscious (and when I 'm working its a requirement) and I get alot of attention, which is nice, but men want nothing but sex and I am not that type of person at all.

    I binge eat worse than anyone I have ever met. I hate that too because it fuels my happiness in the moment, but leads to further weight gain. I am guilty of pretty much doing anything to try to feel happy (alcohol...etc.), but those are short lived. I am in so much debt because I impulse shop all the time for stuff I don't even need (Like junk food, substances, make-up and image enhancing items) and it feels great in the moment until the relentless bill collectors call.

    I frequently feel like my life is pretty much a movie, and sometime I feel like I am watched myself from the outside, like I am our of body and looking in on myself. I don't know how I feel about this, its just an observation.

    Nobody really knows the real me, I don't think anyone ever will. On the outside, people think I am nice, easy-going, smart, sexy, conceited, hard-working, and think I have alot going for me. In reality, I am the opposite of this, I am good at putting on fronts and acting happy, its gotten me this far, but I'm tired of doing it. My life looks "great" on paper and from a distance, to bad I alwways feel like I am breaking inside for no good reasion. Social norms are disgusting to me and I'm tired of trying to live that successful and perfect life.

    Any advice or comments would help so much!
  2. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi. Wanting love and to be wanted is normal. We all want it. I can relate so much to you as I do the same but with women. I now have a phobia of relationships but want one so bad. Have you had people reject you from a young age? Do you have father issues? Its just they can cause this type of
  3. Tiny

    Tiny Member

    Love and being loved are both important. When you fall for those people, do you know if they loved you? If fall for the wrong person, rejection will be the result, but if you fall for the right one who also loves you, then rejection will be little likely to happen.

    Before the right person comes, it will be good if you can make yourself strong and feel happy by yourself and be yourself. You have your beautiful side, just need to understand yourself, find it and present it to the right person.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Hi. Have you been diagnosed with anything?

    It's just that from what you say and the way you describe your moods frequntly changing and the relationships it does sound like PD.

    If it is PD there are therapies that help, especially DBT.

    But I am not a psychiatrist. Only a lowly social work trainee and mental health support worker so what i am saying could be a load of crap. It's just my opinion.

    Best of luck anyway.

  5. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    I think you should try to work on yourself because if you try to find the cure for your self-esteem issues externally, in someone else, I think things have a way of not working out. If you are in a healthier place mentally I think you have a better shot at getting into a relationship that works in the long run.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 11, 2011
  6. freddie

    freddie Well-Known Member

    Hi there!
    A lot of your problems sound similar to mine with big varieties in some areas.
    I'm not gonna try and diagnose anything as I don't have the knowledge, but from lots of reading and comparing your little bits to my own, it sounds an awful lot like borderline personality which was also suggested by GoldenPsych!
    I'd definitly look into it and see if you can find anything out for yourself :)
  7. loner060

    loner060 Member

    I have been looking into borderline personality disorder, since I have been told that before. The only thing I was diagnosed with is clinical depression and I'm on 40mg of celexa a day.

    I just want to feel better and have felt this way for a long time. I don't feel normal at all. I am meeting a new shrink tomo and I hope it helps. I printed out what I wrote and I am going to give it to her.

    Fingers crossed!
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I was ready to discount Borderline Personality Disorder because of how prolific it seems to be on this board, but after reading your entire post, I can at least say that you have many symptoms of the illness.

    There are a few others I could throw around...Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Cyclothymia, Binge Eating Disorder...but that doesn't matter. If you want to, you can read a quick synopsis of BPD just about anywhere, including Wikipedia, and see if you relate. However, that's not going to help you much. Don't make the mistake of trying a self-diagnosis. Only a trained clinician sitting in front of you can make an accurate diagnosis, often over a few days of evaluation. There are subtle things that are necessary to look at when it comes to diagnoses, and the way the patient acts during the evaluation is very important for its reliability.

    So here's what I recommend. You're already on antidepressants, so that's good, it sounds like you can benefit from them. See this new therapist you're about to see and ask her if she has experience dealing with symptoms like yours. She may or may not give you a diagnosis on the first day. However, the only important thing is the treatment for the symptoms, not the diagnosis. The diagnosis is not as important as the symptoms.

    As GP said, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the therapy of choice for BPD. Unfortunately, not many therapists seem to be familiar with this type of therapy, at least not well enough to practice it. But there are books and workbooks out there on DBT. I have two, and I believe it's a good therapy.

    I think you could safely expect a dual-axis diagnosis; that is, a primary psychiatric illness (Axis I) and a personality disorder diagnosis (Axis II), and probably more than one Axis I illness. Your symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder have me concerned.

    Good luck, and keep us posted.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 11, 2011
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