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Please Help Me!

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I was raped 13 years ago by an ex school teacher. Now I'm finally in the process of pressing charges against him. I know very well that there's a slim to none chance that they'll charge him because of the time elaspsed and because there's no evidence but I'm resolute and I know I have to do this.
The thing is I just feel so, so desperately tired. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a small child and I can't remember when I didn't feel this way. I feel as if I'm spiraling out of control..I just can't cope.

Also on top of this I'm adopted. I met my birth mother for the first time about 11 years ago. We've both worked our buts off trying to make it work...but I just can't do it anymore. She's wonderful but aloof and...Oh God, it hurts so much I can't stand it. Recently I just blew up at her and told her I couldn't do it anymore. I cringe at the things I said to her. It was like I took hold of our relationship and just smashed it on the ground between us. If there's any hope of our relationship ever working and of me being to deal with it it'll be God's doing not mine. I just CANNOT do it anymore...

So there it all is...I've spilled some of it out. It's been souring in my emotional stomach for sooo long...I don't know what to do.

On and off for a long time I've been tempted to kill myself but I have kids...and a husband. I'm determined not to do it but it's always there hovering over me when I get desperate. WHEN AM I EVER NOT GOING TO HURT?

I'm sorry this is so ridiculously long.

Anybody out there. PLease help.


Antiquitie's Friend
I'm so sorry to hear these things that have happened to you. It's easy to understand why you would be suffering so greatly, given your circumstances. Is your husband a source of support for you? Do you have a good therapist? I'm not really good at giving advice, but I've been helped out a lot by friends and therapy lately.
I just wanted to voice my sympathy and encouragement through your dark time. I am also proud of anyone who comes forward and presses charges on a case like this. You are brave. The world would be less without your bravery.


Staff Alumni
I am sorry you are hurting so much now.

Take care of yourself and just do what you can. things are never as "final" as they seem. you may feel as though you "smashed" the relationship with your birth mom but time can change things.

Stay close to God, He will not abandon you, ever. Do what you can and leave the rest in the hands of God.
Good luck with the prosecution. I hope that man is punished for what he did.
Maybe explain things to your birth mother and see if you can both compromise with each other and change a little bit, if only for the sake of your relationship.
Again, good luck and keep us updated if you feel you can,
I hope that person rots in jail, rapists get me so angry..i won't get into it.

birth mother - i think they value on actually raising a child is sometimes under-rated, ok your birth mother is your mother - nothing can change that, you are genetically inter-linked. There is a bond there beyond words and you just can't see it yet. I'm sure she can appreciate its hard for you after all those years of being raised by someone else. It's really something you have to work with and try to find out who you (both of you) are.

Do not let this beast of a man ruin your life, you have to hope that things will work out right and he will go to jail. There is always the possibility of him gtting off scott free, but you just can't let him see the weakness in you, you cant give it all up, you have to fight - even with yourself - to show that ther e IS life after a terrible event like that, it would be a terrible waste of a life to throw it away because of this, to think you ended it cos of a piece of shit like him it would just mean he won.

you have kids too, your job in life is to raise them too, they need they're mother, and you can show your worth by raising them right. And doing right by them, your angry at you birth-mother for leaving you maybe? You don't want your kids to feel all that pain you felt.

In my opinion your kids and husband are the greatest reason for fighting on, and not letting this destroy you.

sorry if i was a bit personal or whatever, I just don't want to see someone throw it all away because of one of those evil people.


Thanyou so much for your kind replies.

Each of you have said something valuable to say that touched me.
I want to make it clear that I have no intention of killing myself. The temptation to is often there but I am determined to get through my life to the end. Damn it! I'm going to be a good mother and wife...I will! . I'm just so weary of the pain I could crawl out of my own skin.

It took me so long to get the the point where I was ready to realize exactly what happened to me. For years I felt it had been my fault because I'd had a crush on him...why? But then I learned about sexual predators grooming their victims. Then it all started to make sense. He never gave a rats ass about me at all. And to make it wretchedly worse I had just had an abortion when he raped me. I was even still bleeding. I was even friends with his daughter who was in the same year as me at school. It just gets worse and worse until I can't bear to say anymore.

As for my birth Mother. I love her...lets see how can I explain it?...I guess it's a can't live with her/ can't live without her thing. The conversation I had with her was awful but the last things I said were that I needed a break but that I loved her and couldn't imagine my life without her in it. The only thing is when I try to have a relationship with her it just about kills me emotionally. She's aloof and keeps me at arms length. She's alternately hot and cold and...oh I don't know. Oh...I just want to slam my hands down on this keyborad right now or my head against the wall. I can't express it...I can't...it's too copmplicated. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just gonna pray and wait...That's it.

I'll post again soon...and I'll keep you all informed on the legal thing.
Thankyou so all so much for being so kind.
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