Please help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Riley2004, Apr 18, 2013.

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  1. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I have no one to talk to at all and I posted last night trying to find someone here and I guess no one was here at the time or maybe didn't see it because it was on the old thread I had started.
    I know I haven't contributed to anyone else at this time and it probably seems selfish but I have nothing to offer anyone because I am nothing and my life is almost over.

    So if anyone is out there who wants to write I hope you can because I've lost my mind and I don't know where I'm going now. Everything seemed so clear and then it wasn't and now I want to follow my original plan (I can't say specifics right?) because it's the one that fits my state of mind right now and is much more dramatic, lol, a grand gesture, and very effective but with a chance of failure except that the better one is the one that took so long to set up and is 99.99% definitely effective.

    I don't even know what I'm trying to say. So maybe there is nothing anyone else could either. If not, then I wish for all of you to find peace and not be in the horrible feelings we have.

  2. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Riley2004....have you reached out to anyone like a family member or therapist?? I can't offer you advise...I'm certainly not qualified. I can listen to you and try to help guide you the best that I can. You have been struggling with these thoughts for several days now. Who have you reached out to? Other than this forum I mean. You need to tell someone other than "us" what you are going through. No one can help you unless you tell someone. I am qualified to tell you that because I felt the same way you do now. I had my plan all figured out but couldn't follow through with it. That left me in a bigger dilemma because "what do I do now?" I reached out and told my family and my doctor and it was the best thing I have "ever" done. Please talk to someone who can help you. I care about you. Be safe.
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Hello Riley, so sorry no one answered. Sometimes posts can get missed. This thread is headed Please Help and SF is here to offer support and help. As Stisme says we're all fellow sufferers so we have either been or are still in the same place as you.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hello Riley

    I am glad you were strong enough to reach out for support. I would be happy to talk to you anytime I am around the computer. I am often up most of the night (US eastern time) though not always reading threads- please feel free to PM me here on the forum - it sends an email message so if I am on computer I will get it.

    Take Care

  5. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Hi Riley! I empathize with your pain and heartache. I struggled for weeks suffering alone without telling anyone. One day somehow I got brave enough to ask for help. Only on day three of meds. I still struggle but feel some hope. Give yourself a chance too ok? I know its difficult to see a doctor about this, but you seem to have strong will power, channel it into getting to doctor office and talking. Every step I took to get to doctor, I wanted to flee and forget it and hide, I just kept telling that part of myself to shut up and just go. I read your other posts and have thought of you often and worry about you. Hugs. I care!
  6. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I'm just crying because it means so much to me to read the replies from you. I'm so afraid of telling anyone because I'm afraid of losing my escape, I know they would force me into some hospital thing because I just barely got out of that the other day.
    I said the right things and I lied to my therapist even though I swore I never would because it was too close and it's kind of a long story but because my therapist had talked to the psych dr I was seeing, the psych dr refused to see me unless I went to the hospital inpatient and so now I have no meds. I had started some a month ago but he won't refill them now. So my psychologist told me that he really wanted to be careful and all this stuff and that he could do an involuntary thing and I don't know what else. It makes me sick to think of going into a hospital. I had a really bad experience with them years ago.

    I'm sorry, I know I should not use this forum as a substitute for people in real life and I really do not want to upset anyone here.
    Anyway, thank you. I have to go out but i'll be back later.
  7. Stisme

    Stisme Active Member

    Riley....I'm not a trained professional but I think you need to pick up the phone to call your therapist and your psych doctor. If you explain to them that you were deceitful with them, I'm sure they will understand. They are trained professionals. This isn't the first time someone has lied to them. Maybe they knew you were lying anyway. It's hard to help someone if they are not being honest with you. Once you have done this, you will need to remain completely honest with them. If it means entering the hospital, then so be it. I know you had a bad experience before. Try to be optimistic this time and work with them. I know what it's like to be deceitful....I was to everyone around me. I have to tell you when I told my family and my doctor the whole ugly truth....just that alone made me feel so much better about myself. That WAS the very beginning for me!!! Has it been easy since.....not at all. I take it one day at a time.

    What I am trying to say Riley have to start somewhere. This dark hole is just going to get darker for you. I can tell by your posts that you don't really want to end your life. You just want someone to love you, hug you and care about you. That goes both ways Riley. You need to be honest to those who are trying to help you. You have to want to help yourself FIRST....the rest will fall into place.

    I care about you very much and would like to see you get the help you need. Then you can come right back here and tell me all about it.

    I'll be waiting.
  8. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    Thank you.
    It is so scary stisme to think of giving up anything or telling the truth now. I honestly don't think I can do it but you are right, the dark hole is deeper and darker all the time. I keep finding more reasons that rationalize my thoughts and my plans and I have no hope for my dreams anymore, you know?
    There is no way I could go in the hospital.
    I have to go now but for tonight, there is nothing I can do anyway except try to sleep and think about tomorrow.
    Thank you, you guys will never know how much I appreciate you. I mean it.
  9. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    It's very scary to give something up. Perhaps you can do it slowly? You don't have to tell the whole truth immediately to anyone. Try to avoid telling lies. That complicates thing on both sides. As Stisme says they probably guess sometimes anyway. I hope you got some sleep and that you can get help.
  10. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I got up really early today and I know it will be really hard today. Before I set up the new plan, it was always night that was the worst because that is when I had to do it. Now it's the daytime because in order for it to work, it has to be. There is a long period of time today that will be right and I feel like I don't know if I can stay out of it. This morning stuff happened that makes things even more of a hopeless situation.
    I just want to scream and I can only do that in my car when I finally get out there 2 more hours away! I don't know if any of you like Pink Floyd but I think they are the greatest band ever and all I do in my car is blast the Wall and Dark Side of the Moon and it seems to give me the strength to go and finish things off. The beat pounds through me and feels like my own heart beat.
    Oh man, sorry for writing like this again, I just can't hold it in anymore and I'm grateful to have somewhere to write because writing to myself is not enough anymore. I can't do the list of stuff he told me to do, it;'s too muxghAand I know none of it will work
  11. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    I'm worried for you today. What happened this morning?
  12. Riley2004

    Riley2004 Member

    I'm so tired of him hurting me and I just can't take it anymore. There is no where to go and I will never get away from it.
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