Please help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by duckfeet, Jan 13, 2014.

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  1. duckfeet

    duckfeet New Member

    I tried connecting with a girl today. Everything was going well until I decided to ask her for coffee. I was rejected. It's been about 10 years since I started being interested in girls and I've never once been able to make a connection with one. I've tried so many different things but there's just something wrong with my personality I think. I'm a tall guy, in good shape, and I take care of myself. I have a job and I go to school. I guess these things don't really matter though. Every external part of my life seems to be alright but they don't mean anything to me at all. I just want to connect with another person. I'm turning 24 tomorrow. I've tried to kill myself a couple times in the past, and was once committed to a psych ward for a few days, but I was too much of a coward to really do anything. As I get older, though, the cowardice is fading. Once my cowardice is gone completely I think I will probably have to kill myself. I don't even feel depression anymore. It's been so long that all I feel anymore is numbness. Indifference. Which is almost worse than sadness. At least with sadness you have some identity, some definition to your feelings. Now there's just nothing. I do cry sometimes because of my loneliness and complete inability to make a girl like me, but after I'm finished crying I go back to feeling nothing.

    I guess I'm here because I'm completely desperate. I don't think I will last another year. My want for suicide has roots which are strong and deep, so I don't know if any sort of consoling words will help me anymore. Therapists just tell me to challenge my thoughts, which I've tried many times without success. I do still cry and do that silly Imagining-How-People-Will-React thing from time to time when I think about death, but nowadays my dominant thought is just repulsion at life and impatience to just die already. The world is a beautiful place and I love music and we're lucky to be alive blah blah blah I know all of that and it's all true but it's not a reason for me personally to be alive. What good is life if you don't have the capacity to share it with another person? If someone is totally alone and so far behind the curve, or if their appearance is just so off that they aren't desirable to the opposite sex, if that person is completely miserable, who's to say that they don't deserve to leave their life? Why am I not allowed to give myself relief? I honestly don't feel happiness and I never have, I don't understand people and sometimes I even hate people. Then I think about the collective suffering of the world, and the cold fact that there are so many people in the world who have such difficult lives. Lives so difficult that they can't even think about being sad because they're too busy thinking about surviving.

    I'm sorry this is getting philosophical and pedantic, I guess writing helps me calm down. I'm just so fucking tired of being alive. I really just want to check out.
  2. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I can relate a bit on the struggles of finding a purposeful, desirable means of companionship and relationships. Love is the hardest aspect in the world to find or get over when one is rejected or heart-broken. Love is definitely an indescribable feeling of a passionate and intense desire for something or someone. An ejection of emotions that defy rational explanation other than to comfort the void of sharing that love and life with someone else which brings upon a meaningful purpose.

    There's complete understanding as you mention consoling words may not help you anymore. I also relate to that greatly when things become hopeless and seemingly impossible to get over. My attempts though words is hoping you at least don't feel so alone. Believe me, as I am approaching the age of 30 and describe myself closely to the way you portray your being as well, not even I have found love or have ever been in a meaningful lengthy relationship.

    Getting older does indeed seem to bring upon that feeling of no longer being afraid or even overwhelming apathy for life in general in which I can agree. With my experience, I have gradually stopped caring about finding love as I realized most women desire money and material possessions over actual love and a sharing of life. As I have worked menial jobs and can hardly even support myself throughout my life, I sadly have given up trying always assuming I am not worthy of that magical aspect of life such as love.

    I truly believe you will indeed one day find someone. Although it's something that can take some time and perhaps a little effort. Myself, I always believed that these relationships of love, or soul-mates, is a meant to be thing which will eventually happen regardless if we are trying and seeking. Sometimes, for some people, it seems to happen when they're least expecting it and are not even looking for that special someone. A circumstance of reality which will show itself at some point when the time is right.

    I suppose there's no perfect piece of advice to offer in such a situation, but rather opinions and experiences. A lot of women are interested in the guys who don't portray that obvious desire to make a connection. Treating them like just another guy, or even specifically a friend at first without any obvious intentions or those signals of interest can make one feel a bit more safe rather than assuming it's just another person that's trying to make a move. Being friends first, joking around, and adding a slight disinterest can be comforting as the mystery plays a bit of a role. Of course everyone is different and some like to be pursued and given full attention and energy.

    As most will probably agree, you are extremely young and have a lot of life to live. I understand the feelings of that potential possibility of being alone and giving up completely. But love is something worth waiting for, growing into, and becoming your own individual person first that feels complete without that loving relationship. Once one becomes secure in themselves, ability to provide, to survive, and portrays that essence of happiness, I guarantee you'll run into someone who sees that aura and wants to be a part of it.

    I hope you can find a way to give it some more time. As someone such as myself who didn't really fit the mold of 'relationship material,' especially in high school, things ended up changing as I approached the age of 30 in regards to catching the eye and interest of women. Of course, barely being able to survive, not making a whole lot of money, or even having my own vehicle puts a huge pressure on my own confidence to pursue. The more I started not caring about finding a romantic interest in the opposite sex, the more I seemed desirable.

    Kind of like losing an item in the house. Once you start looking for it, you'll never find it, but finally when you give up and figure it will eventually turn up, it presents itself finally and you feel silly because you accidently stumbled upon it.

    It will happen. There's such a variety of people in life and I am convinced there's always going to be someone worthy for everyone. I worked with someone who would always ask out girls, go to bars, clubs, parties and fail to find that love of his life. He had the ability to continue to be happy and motivated suggesting that with every no he is that much closer to a yes.

    As human beings, we can kind of sense the feelings others have within and women are no exception. If there's a desperate desire, or a clinginess, sometimes it can be a bit of a red flag for them, especially if there's a feeling of depression.

    People want to be with someone happy. That happiness rubs off and makes others happy as we are all desiring to be happy ultimately. Finding that happiness is another difficult aspect of life when all seems lost and hopeless, but it is something which attracts others greatly for the most part.

    Once you stop looking for it so hard, I am sure it will present itself finally when you least expect it. Pursuing your education as you mention, and focusing on your work for a while instead, I am convinced you'll meet the qualifications and catch someone's eye eventually. I believe it's something that is completely inevitable and is going to happen. You are young as most will agree with and you have some time, so do not give up on finding someone to share your life with just yet. There is some time which I hope you can agree and it's good that you're focusing on such a desire at the young age of 24 as there are many who are much older who still are seeking that long lost love of their life.
  3. ima.grandma

    ima.grandma New Member

    You are giving yourself your best gift of advice. The written word is powerful! I know. I have written journal entries beginning as a young mother of 24. I had four children in a short span of five years and spent most of my time alone with my children. I yearned for another intelligent adult to connect to during the day while waiting for my husband to return from work. I was full of psychological pain from a harsh childhood and adolescence. Writing was a wonderful self-help tool, I am now 57 and have lived most of my life with tragedy and challenges but I'm still here.

    Be gracious and receive your gift to yourself. Say thank you to yourself with a heart full of warmth and love. Now is not the time to give. You are just beginning to know true self. Peace.
  4. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    Duckfeet I feel you 100%, maybe you can take solice in the fact that you are not alone?
  5. duckfeet

    duckfeet New Member

    Tabula Ras - I really appreciate you taking the time to write a response to my post. It seems like you have so much wisdom on the subject of companionship but you say that you've never been in a meaningful relationship. That is strange to me. I won't pry into your life because I know how uncomfortable that can be but I'd just like to reciprocate your faith in me with my faith in you. When people are suicidal I think a common thought is "no one cares" so reading your post was comforting. I think you're right when you say that it's best not to be someone who is obsessed with having a relationship - women can tell when you're desperate for company and they know how destructive that mentality is in a relationship. I will try to be better about being happy in the realm of my own personal life and maybe it will translate into confidence when I talk to other people. Though I have tried this method before with some failure, maybe the key to this area of life is continuing to practice and persevere when failure dominates.
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