I am in hell. I have a long and complicated history of family problems including physical and emotional abuse. I have a life threatening and disabling medical condition, major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, I am in the middle of my second divorce, my Dad is terminally ill, my son is barely in touch with me (he left home a couple of months ago, aged 25, now living with his GF), I have a stressful job. My beloved dog died in October (I miss her so much it physically hurts), I have moved in with my new partner who is lovely, sweet, gentle but has his own quirks, depressive disorder and several previous suicide attempts. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and just want it all to stop. I see my psychiatrist every few weeks but I can't tell him or my partner how I'm feeling because I'm frightened of being hospitalised and/or my new partner leaving me. I feel as if I've completely messed my and my family's lives up. I have no friends apart from colleagues and spend my life pretending to be things that I am not. I am so sick and tired. I just want it all to stop. A couple of weeks ago I started to hang myself at work but got scared when I became <Mod Edit: Music: Methods>Sometimes I scare myself because the impulse gets so strong. But I don't want to hurt other people. I just want to die. Not wake up. Irony is I have a sudden death syndrome but the doctors insisted on my having a defibrillator. I feel cheated and despairing. I hate myself for being such a self pitying mess.