Hello everyone. As I said in my 'welcome' post, I am a little bit embarrassed by the fact that I am here posting today. I think it's wonderful that suicidal and depressed individuals have a support group, but I'm having a hard time recognizing as someone that is suicidal because prior to today I have never considered it. A few months ago my father passed away. He had a heart attack and it was sudden. I have been close to him all of my life and dealt with his passing by traveling with my boyfriend and looking for any and all distractions possible. I'm not one to grieve openly and I guess many would say I'm hardened. I was doing fine. I have fallen into a habit of drinking far more than I used to. A few days ago I found myself lying in my car in the early hours of the morning after a party. I have no recollection of what happened that night and it's not like me to be so reckless but the last few months I have been much but not responsible. I have been nervous and anxious about what happened that night and Tuesday mid afternoon started getting flashbacks of possible events-- but I didn't know if it was my paranoia. Later Tuesday night I started remembering who I was talking to that night and tried to write out the last of what I could remember. I tried hard afterwards to forget about the incident but this morning I received text messages from a phone number taunting me about Saturday night. I don't know if it's a joke or an actual assault took place but I couldn't function all day today and I felt nervous and threw up twice. I don't want to talk to my friends or family about it and the number when I call it has a google voice mailbox set up to it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day and for the first time in my life felt tempted to swallow pesticide and went as far as starting to write a note to my family. I swear this has been the first time I've ever even considered it. And on my way home from my uncle's home I kept daydreaming about crashing my car. I am dreading getting another text and am not sure what to do.