Please help?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Meg_1, Oct 5, 2016.

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  1. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    Please help, I have nowhere to turn, my story so long and my energy so low, facing a 3rd surgery which hospital messed up, and have chronic illness, become socially isolated, with feelings of no hope. used to be high achiever, with three degrees and a PhD, defined by my work, and now i'm on disability and people get sick of people when often ill, lost my friends, my family …..

    i don't want to die, but i can't bare this existence; feeling dead inside …. sometimes with hope, but so much bad luck, and never really fitting in. …… have still tried to help so many people but its always seemed to 'kick me back in the guts' ….

    so lonely, trying so hard, but others won't or can't understand ….

    my story probably similar to many. been so ill for so long, trying for so long, fighting suicidal thoughts and past failed attempts …..

    i don't want to die, but please, i want to be 'alive' and to be loved, not feel dead inside. i don't know what to do, and have no energy to get back to hospital for another surgery, and that is the least of my problems.

    i don't mean to be a 'pity party', but its just so much to deal with and don't know where to turn anymore. … people don't want to know. Crying doesn't help anymore,

    my sister killed herself too, and its horrible having a chronic severe illness with post traumatic syndrome after being in hospital and intensive care for 3 months, and yet still being expected after surviving, to get myself in again, so they can fix the mistakes constantly made - a third surgery over this month, after multiple over the years…

    feeling very let down by the medical system and my family who travel the world and are wealthy, whilst i hope and wish, but am seen as a burden, always a burden,

    i'm sorry. So much to my 'story', hard to write, and i saw so many posts of people feeling similar. It hurts. Please?
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Meg,
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I kind of relate to you. I was doing really well for about 9 years, working in finance, making money, lots of opportunities, bonuses, responsibilities etc...I bought a condo in the mountains, new car, lots of new stuff, got work done on the condo...I kind of had it all. Then I burned out and was diagnosed with several mental illnesses. Lost it all. Within a year, I was selling my CD's to buy Kraft Dinner. It was devastating. Friends and family were of no use, they didn't want to understand or be supportive or compassionate.

    I feel bad for you that you need so much surgery. All I can do is wish you luck and strength. Personally I will only really open up to objective parties, like a therapist or anonymous parties like here on the forum. Loved ones...they don't care enough in my opinion.

    I just want to tell you that you can rebuild your life. I thought mine was over, what was the point anymore. I lost everything. Felt so lonely, alone and hopeless. But after lots of therapy and time, with the help of meds, I was able to manage my illnesses and start fresh. My life is nowhere near what it used to be, it's better though, very different, but definitely worth living. I hope you can hang in there.

    Oh, btw, the medical system? Garbage.
  3. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum and to the SF family. YOU are not a burden but a fellow human being who is hurting. Keep posting as we care. Just think someone in the world cares about YOU and feels your hurt and pain. Take care please as WE CARE ABOUT YOU.
  5. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    thank you so much Frances, for taking the time; am sitting on the floor and can't stop shaking, so alone and it means a lot you wrote … its so hard to see a future when struggling and fighting this for so long and especially when loved ones can't or won't understand; only those that have felt such do … your story sounds heartbreaking too
    If only i can get through this next surgery but the medical system has nearly literally killed me through mistakes and i'm terrified … its hard enough as it is, but at least i can try to see a future if i can get this particular complication of my illness 'fixed' … its hard seeing my family on FB having a grand time travelling the world, not caring or knowing what is happening here - i've tried to reach out, but just seen as a burden, …. the energy, just need the energy, but can't even control my hands very well - have appointment with psychiatrist today if i can make it, as have medical issues that sometimes also prevent me getting out and so very alone
    It just feels it would be a relief to everyone i know, if i were gone, i'm sorry …. am trying, thank you x
  6. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    Thank you too 'Unknown_111" …. truly, in so much physical and emotional pain, why don't people we love respond/understand; as unfortunate as it is, it helps to know not alone and so many others feel deeply and i wish i could help everyone, i wish i had the strength right now, thank you…... x
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Don't feel sorry, you're allowed to have your feelings. I can't even imagine your fear...I can't even get to a clinic for a scheduled appointment without having a panic attack, I'm really leary of the medical community. I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist though, for the most part, I've had good experiences with them, I really hope you get to that appointment! If I may ask, when do you have your surgery scheduled? And really, as for family...why don't you do yourself a favour and just don't go looking on FB for them, at least for a little while. If you already have experienced their dismissal, just turn to your p-doc and come here. I'm sending you all the energy I can muster! You're already stronger than you think!!! xxx
    Petal, electricalanomaly and Meg_1 like this.
  8. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    Thank you again Frances xx yes, i'm terrified, and suffer severe anxiety now with medical system as it always fails me and has no empathy (often because of under-funding) but also because i'm often there, and sometimes just cannot cope, being at their 'mercy'. I've known my psychiatrist for 20 years and he's wonderful, but he won't be able to do anything in practical terms. last few days, i've been lying on couch, not eating/drinking, in so much pain …. my first surgery (for this particular complication) was an emergency, but i nearly ended up in a coma because they delayed the surgery but forgot to stop the fasting, so i had no sugar in my system, and was saved only by chance; that was about 6 weeks ago and i was too ill as a result to have the 'full surgery', only a temporary fix; then was booked in for an 'elective' admission, but waited all day in a room (not admitted to a bed), and was told, it wasn't going to happen after waiting all day; more fasting, then told next day (27th september) that surgery not proceeding but still wasn't allowed to eat because possibility of surgery around midnight, which i did get, but so ill; woke screaming in pain, but then bit relieved it was over, only to be told next day, that due to complications from my chronic illness, the surgery failed …. had a scan, was sent home, waiting for another admission and been into emergency for pain relief twice; it triggers post trauma …. got home, and couldn't face it anymore; they forgot about me again (for the 2nd time for this particular surgery) and lost all my paperwork, and won't do the surgery unless i can get in for a 3 hour pre-op admission assessment which i've already done 3x and dont have energy … so suffer, and lost; reached out to my step mother, but she just talks about 'stay calm' and 'i'm hanging out the washing… would you like anything from the market'? she means well, but i really really need help

    and re: FB, I am a musician and used to be on there for years in 'music community' but disabled my account months ago, due to illness and being abused and lost energy; i thought if i could try get back to some sense of 'normality' (which isn't much anymore) and get back to music and a couple of 'true' online friends, or so i thought, it would help, so re-enabled my FB, but the very first things i saw in the main stream of posts were my family - it hurts so much, and knowing i'm also becoming a burden to my step mother (my dad is too anxious to cope), is hurting …..

    life can be so painful for so many; i was getting stronger and enrolled in a diploma of counselling, but then had such a run of bad luck, health-wise and deaths, i fell apart, and still don't know how to get to doc/pscyhiatrist, but trying, thank you again … i've been told i have strength to keep going, but it often doesn't feel that way
    I'm so pleased you have found more of a life for yourself, even if different - its hard to accept the loss of our 'previous' lives, so much grief. you are an inspiration xx
    electricalanomaly and Frances M like this.
  9. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    (I live in Australia btw, so not sure of time differences; been sitting here for hours, hoping, reaching out, in so much pain, and they physical pain is bad too; how can people expect someone so ill, to manage alone when like this; and because i'm not over 65 years old, i don't qualify for support. …. and i know its hard for others' to respond, feeling in so much pain themselves and i wish i had the energy right now to help; just trying to get feelings of ending it all out of my mind, and trying to find some hope, anything … if only the medical system wasn't so awful (some is ok), but it/many of them, make me feel like a burden and not like a human being - sometimes, feel so desperate, i just want to die, just to show people how bad it is, but that is wrong …. and i don't understand how my family can ignore me, when my sister was failed and she took her life. I'm sorry, and thank you again
    Frances M likes this.
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Medical system here sucks too (USA). Just heard on the news that many insurance plans are going to stop covering some common life saving drugs. Like those for diabetes, cancer, asthma etc. They are doing this to try and force drug makers to lower their prices. Because insurance does not want to pay what they charge. Now how many people will die because of this?
    Meg, I am so sorry you are in so much pain and that so much was caused by trashy medicine. It seems to be a problem world-wide. I know part of my health issues are the result of surgery by a lousy surgeon, but the pain I experience is not as constant as yours. I pray that this 3rd surgery will correct the wrongs. That you will have a skilled physician for once. If you were rich, you could get the best. But without money, everything seems to be only second rate. Money matters more then life in this fucked up world.
    Frances M likes this.
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi @Meg_1

    I have to say that social media is a canker sore on society, really. It's touted as a great way to keep in touch, but in the end, and for some people (me included) it's the loneliest platform online. You see how others are enjoying their lives, successfully...or you see how people are dreading getting out of bed. There is TOO MUCH personal information out there. I really think you should disable your FB account if it's bringing you such misery. Ignorance is bliss so they say. I haven't used any type of social media in over 12 years and I'm the better for it. I don't even use my real name on my email address. Anonymity is the best way to go. I know you said you're a musician, but can you just have a business type account open for your music only and just "un"-whatever all those people you don't want to be involved with on that platform? My opinion is that if someone wants to get in touch with me, they can email or call or text if they have my phone number, otherwise, it's not a real relationship anymore. Anyway, that's my 2 cents when it comes to FB and the like.

    I know it's hard...but hang in there. I repeat @SillyOldBear 's sentiment that I hope this last surgery fixes whatever problem you are experiencing. I believe that unless you are super wealthy, you will never have sound medical care. Our doctors here are labeled "dispatchers" because they basically don't do their jobs anymore. Anything you have wrong - instant referral. Referral to a specialist because he/she can't give a proper diagnosis. I remember the days when all GP's took care of all things, thus GENERAL PRACTITIONER for god's sake. And specialists are NEVER taking patients. You're basically on your own. I've accepted this years ago. My bf recently had his annual bout of tonsillitis, I cure him every year with natural remedies and nutrition, it's like we have no choice but to be our own doctors these days. Surgery though, no choice and I wish you all the best.

    For me too...things always come in large bunches of challenges. That's when I feel that the world has it out to get me, that I will never do anything right and I will never feel better. But really, you will, I hope that you can believe that. May I suggest something? Meditation Oasis is a WONDERFUL website that offers free guided meditations. The woman's voice is so soothing. Why don't you spend some time there and listen to a few meditations? They will really help to calm you, center you and hopefully clear your mind so you can fight all of your challenges with even more energy and strength...even if it's just a wee bit more. My "previous" life is gone, that was another woman, she doesn't exist anymore and good riddance to her and her life. Take care xxx
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  12. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    Hang in there Frances. Our stories are very similar and whenever I see your helpful post it just brightens my day. Sometimes all we can do is just manage and do the best we can.
    Frances M likes this.
  13. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    I'll pray for you and your loved ones.
  14. zuzuspetals

    zuzuspetals Member

    Hi Meg. Something you said troubles me greatly... " sister committed suicide too". Does this mean you have made up your mind to commit suicide? I hope not. Someone with your training has a lot to offer the world, even in your circumstances, and I'm sure there are those in your life that would be devastated and forever effected if you did. I've been in a depressed, hopeless situation before, and the only thing left that I could think of to do, was to turn it all over to God. About the time I felt I had outdistanced him, he pursued and found me in the muck of my own making. When I finally "gave in", he sort of touched me on the sleeve (if you will), and I've had the faith to climb out of that hole, and have been climbing ever since. Everything is different now. Not perfect, but better in almost all respects. I mention this because in your post, you sound like I did then - at the absolute bottom with nowhere to turn. But I wonder if we were meant to experience pain, loneliness, frustration... so that when we are put in a situation to help someone like like us, we can better relate....? There is a loving God who has a plan that includes us. Finding our true identity and our purpose, our destiny gives one hope and a future. I'll pray that you find both.
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  15. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I totally agree with Frances regarding social media. It is really overdone. Too much information to too many people. And some of that information in the wrong hands can bring disaster. I wish I had never set up a page on Facebook. The only good thing I ever got from it are some photos from a friend's Facebook page.
    Petal and Frances M like this.
  16. Gato

    Gato Member

    Sorry about your sister Meg! I can't even start to imagine how distabilizing an event like this must be.
    It sounds like you're currently in a medical freefall. Do you have to just go with anything the doctors say or do you have any kind of choices you could actually make?
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