please help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jse, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. jse

    jse New Member

    hi everyone,

    i have always felt unhappy and out of place in this world i never seem to fit in wherever i try. Over the past four years i have turned to drugs many diffrent ones :( i smoke cannabus everyday without fail i originally smoked it cos my friends did and i admit it made me feel great but after that i was always chasing the first high and take far too much than is heathey i just want to get it out of my life but every time i try to kick it i return to it, i have grown it many times but the last time really hit me. most times i sell it to my friends and smoke it but this time i smokeda full harvest. besides the dope i grow and take salvia divinorum , peyote for dmt and mescaline and i also grow datura and belladonna but have only enterd the realm of the torpane alkaloids once. basically my life is over-run by drugs which gets me down sevearly.

    besides the drugs we have the real world which i have to force myself to take part in, with all the drugs i take i inevitably dropped out of college yet none of my peer group/family know this so i just dissapear each day when im suppose to be at college and tripp in the woods. i seem to have got my life stuck in a huge downward spiral i have weaved a web of lies for my friends and family which no one has figured out, i wish they would so i wouldent have to play so many facades. i have failed all my ambitions in life except piracy but being a scener means jack in the real world.

    so heres what brings me here, on monday the jobcenter sends me on a course
    the course runs 9am-4pm monday to friday which over-runs hours i should supposedley be at college doing a-level. if i dont attend the course i get no money which means no drugs which isnt really an option i need them to help me hide, so my big web of lies is about to come crumbling down and all i have been planning for the past fortnight is to go to the woods on this monday coming and eat all the dataura seeds i have, one of the active alkaloids scopolamine is an extremeley powerfull deleriant and people have over dosed on as little as 10 seeds and i have well over a hundread also to give some context to my current situation i am pretty much the wikipedia definiton of paranoid / schizophrenic / psycopathic but if have the biggest fears of hospitals and the system in general i hate it all, i have never had a synthetic drug or injection in my life and i know if i commited myself i would get pumped full of tranquilizers and go through the worst form of existance on phizor force d medication crap. and they probably feed you aspartame and monosodiam glutamte n stuff basically asking for the systems help is a know go the mental health service leaves very very much to be desired

    i really dont see any other solutions to my current situation my life has no future or goals, there is nothing on my horizon if anyone has any advice or ideas id like to here them i have untill 9 am gmt monday morning (28 hours 40 mins) till i dissapear to the woods for ever

    peace jse
  2. uksteve

    uksteve New Member

    Ok this is difficult, i've only ever come here for help in the past but i've found myself wanting to help those in similar need of my own.

    Hi my name is steve and im 19, i'm currently in uni and have suffered from sever depression for the majority of my life. I came across this website by imstake while drasitcally trying to find reoslutions for my life. You are not alone. Everyone feels alone or isolated in some part of their life if not for the majority, my advice may be completely wrong or maybe right I feel compelled to feedback to you (you are the only person i've ever responded too since saving my life). I smoke a lot of canibus infact too much, I thought it was that that give me parnaoia and made me step wrong in life but I did a lot of research and spoke to a lot of people. Life is life, whatever and whoever sent us here did so for a reason (please i'm not getting religious) and the only way we can do this is by being ourselves and trying to fit in.

    I came to this forum seeking desperate help having almost killed myself. I found people on the internet could help me because I could tell my deepest feelings to them without physically knowing who they where. I like many other have bad confidence problems and it's only recently my girlfriend has been able to help me overcome these fears to become a better person. ironically I have found god in these past months but that is not the message i'm portraying to you. You are you own soul, ignore what people think of you and go about your goals yourself, you have the power to be anything you want and you should pursue that. Drugs help lead away from reality but never help overcome it. I have stopped all major drugs apart from canibus so maybe I am a hypocrit, I still smoke weed everyday but I felt compelled to tell you you are not alone. Please don't think about killing yourself although it may seem the easiest option now, your life can only become better.
  3. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi, jse! I am glad you found us here and so open and shared with us about how you are feeling.. Please don't disappear, okay? Please give us a chance!Talk to us.. Feel free to PM me.. don't go away.. that can be an option at anytime.. but not now.. okay? You didn't come here by accident..

    I understand how you feel as I have always fit that I don't fit in this world.. I changed my signature recently and it use to say something like trying to find my place in this world and I don't fit in this world...and not matter how hard I have tried.. Really can relate...

    As you probably know, drugs only mask the real problems that are deep within our being and hurting so deeply.. and sometimes one may not be aware of what the real issue or pain one is feeling.. so deep within.. and hard to identify it.. what is going on.. have a history of disassociation and many suicidal attempts.. seriously.. in ICU several times..

    Of course, drugs makes one feel great for a time.. for a season.. you know that song. at the moment forget the name.. I think it is called "For everytime, there is a season.. something like that..

    Yes, eventually, being consumed by drugs will get one down severely and catch up with someone.. and yes it will interfere in every aspect in your life.. always trying to chase that first high.. and it takes more and more and more of one's life..

    Eventually, hon, this is what happens.. a huge downward spiral and a web one weaves of deceit of many lifes.. always trying to hide it but it will eventually come out.. and maybe some people have figured it out and haven't said anything or eventually maybe they will hopefully.. it is hard for some people to realize a loved one..and in denial also, although, they may not be sure, to recognize the fact that you have a drug problem..

    You know hon, no matter what you think right now.. there is still hope for you. and for right now , maybe you have failed the ambitions in life but I know and believe in you.. I have been there.. I know..

    Okay,how far down are you? Have you reached your bottom? What does it look like? Okay, so you aren't able to attend this course.. means no money for drugs.. Eventually, yes, one gets caught up in web of deceit and lies and it eventually comes crumbling down.. To be honest, hon, you can't continue to hide any longer as the truth will come out.. You are not thinking clearly and I know some of the systme is not great.. you need help sweetie..

    My whole family is in recovery with exception of a couple.. Tonight I went to a fundraiser dinner for a life change group.. a 4 year program for people with addictions.. I know two people there.. one I lost touch with and reunited lst month with.. really bad addiction.. she relapsed.. good friend...

    You need help hon.. seek help.. get into therapy if not already and inpatient treatment program.. No, the hospital will not do all these things to you.. Please give us a chance.. and don't hurt or kill youself.. you do have a future and it will take some time sweetie.. but first of all you need to take a step or have intervention to help you take that first step.. I know it is very difficult to do so.. i really know.. you are reaching out to us and we are here to help you but you can't do anything until you seek the right help for your addiction.. and I know.. it is scary to think living life without drugs.. There are solutions.. Drugs are NOT the only answer.. it only masks the deep pain in our inner being and deep within our soul.. Feel free to PM if you like and please keep talking to us.. I know it is difficult to take that first step and try some of the NA (Narcotics Anonymous) groups in your area.. You will also find much support from people there who sincerely care..
    and here also.. Difficult choice to make and yeah, have been there as it has a hold in one's life..but you can do it.. I know many people who have witht he right support and help including my family.. Awesome things can happen in your life.. give us a chance and I encourage you to seek help..


  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Jse...when it feels the world is falling down around you, it may be an opportunity to clean house...have gone through this myself recently as far as my finances and past debt are concerned...have not solved it fully, but am taking a more aggressive stand to not shame myself over is time for you to own more of what is going on...the way to do this takes many roads, and I hope you choose one which will give you the best support and are young and have much time to start a new path...please do not give in to feeling 'painted into a corner' as you have done the 'painting' and you can reverse the of luck and plez let us know how you are doing...big hugs
  5. jse

    jse New Member

    hey guys,

    thx for your words of advice im still really unsure what im going to do in the morning i got 8 hours now to sleep on it, i know if i come clean with people its going to change the mindsets towards me + the hasstle of tring to kick a drug habbit + been forced to go on an ICT course which is well below my level. it just seems that any way i try to tackle my problem will just lead to more problems in the long run where as exiting makes all the issues disolve. i will check in, in the morning and tell you know how im feeling

  6. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hello Jse I would suggest getting treatment for the drug habit if U are still having problems with this addiction. Then U can concentrate on other things which matter. If U need support there are many free groups and phone numbers out there which can help U. U can also talk to us when U are feeling down about this!
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