please help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by desperatlysick, Sep 3, 2006.

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  1. desperatlysick

    desperatlysick New Member

    hello. I am a 16 year old male who i guess has always been living with depression my whole life, just nobody seems to know. Not my friends, not my parents, nobody. On the outside I seem like an ordinary kid, but nobody knows how I feel inside. Every day I seem to get worse. Yesterday I nearly finished a bottle of tylonol, how i survived i dont know. My plan was to just end it and let my parents deal with the grief. I passed out and woke up in my own vomit. My mom asked me what happend and instead of telling the truth i said i was sick. I am afraid I will do something like this again. I dont know what is wrong with me. Everywhere I go I feel like people see right through me, I feel like they look at me and they could see im not normal, and that i am inferior for having such thoughts. At school i try to avoid everybody. I barely passed last year and I feel like such an idiot. I get extra help, stay after school to work, use all my free periods to work, but I just cannot get good grades. Why can everyone else do it but not me? Everything I try to do I fail. I do everything wrong. Also, I am hooked on drugs and it is not helping. I am a little overweight even though I am trying not to be. Also I feel like none of my friends really like me. If there is a party or something i never hear about it untill the day after it happens. They are always making plans without me. Some of them joke about me being a retard, but im not that stupid, I can see through those lies and i know they are serious. Please help, I have no idea what to do. Every day just seems like a waste of time. I cannot find any good reason to continue living. at the rate im going I am going to drop out of school and be homeless. I really dont want to end my life and i have heard over and over it gets better. so far it has only gotten worse. So in an overview....im failing school, have asshole friends, have parents that are completly oblivious to how i feel (and i cant tell them because I am the kid they are counting on, the "miracle" who is supposed to go off to college and make something of myself) i always feel like people are judging me, a little overweight, have no idea what is wrong with me, literally make a complete joke out of myself with everything i try to do, and cant seem to find a good reason to still be living. I tried telling one of my friends once about how i feel, but before i could say anything he just out of the blue said "I cant respect anybody who would kill themselves. What kind of low life scum would even think about taking their own life?" Of course after that all i could do was continue to bottle up my feelings and try to survive the best i can. Honestly, i feel like by the end of this month, expecially with school coming up, I will make an irriversible descision....also...i feel like if i do, noboy would care. nobody seems to notice me or ever pay that much attention to me....long post, but this is the first time i have ever told this to any one
     
  2. painsource

    painsource Well-Known Member

    How was your life before you started taking drugs?
     
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    VERY good first post. Your words and descriptions are clear and accurate.
    I admire that you open up. Welcome to the forum here.
    You said "Every day just seems like a waste of time. I cannot find any good reason to continue living".... i am in 40's and hurting too. you came to a good place.

    haha, many of us on the planet do not know what is right/wrong with us either. I am not being scarcastic, just that we are all puzzled by this game of life.

    Can you go to a school counselor or talk to someone on the phone. I take it that you do not want to turn to your parents. Although, that is the first place you should be 'able to'.
    It is late, so my mind is off, but you will have more responses soon....I wish I could assist u more.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    hi and so sorry you feel this way...I think you need to select someone to be honest with who can talk to you about ways you can be helped...you have a whole life ahead of you, and there is no reason why you should not seek to live it in a more comfortable way...I lived a childhood full of horror and abuse, that thought that I was way too damaged to ever have an enjoyable life...I WAS WRONG...i am in therapy and on medication, and except for the few slips I have, life is becoming more than I ever imagined I could have...in fact, sometimes, for the virtually the first time since I was three, I am happy...I never thought this was meant for me...my fate was cast, and I was to suffer in purgnation...please PM me if I can help and stay safe...big hugs, Jackie
     
  5. desperatlysick

    desperatlysick New Member

    Thank you for the kind words, they really do help. As for the question "how was my life before drugs?" lets just say not to good. Paranoia was slowly taking over my brain. That is my biggest problem, I always feel that I am being judged. Marijuana was so good to me. It made me feel great. The thing I love most about any kind of drug is that it doesnt matter what you look like or how many friends you have, it effects everyone the same. For the first time I felt normal. This was when I was 13. I now smoke weed on a daily basis. The only thing though is the great feelings I used to get are now replaced by a feeling of emptiness and despair. The only way I can feel normal is to smoke...how pathetic is that? Marijuana isnt the only drug though...to name a few...acid, lsd, shrooms, coke, pcp, dmt, salvia, dagga flowers, and 2c-b. I am 16, this is not normal for a 16 year old. sorry to go off like this but im just feeling sick of myself right now. To give you a better idea of who i am, picture that you are in school. I am that quiet kid you used to see everyday, the kid who was alone in the lunchroom, the kid who always looked pissed off about something but yet you never bothered to find out why? Every day it is harder and harder to go out and face the world. Every day I still search for a reason to carry on. Latly it seems as if I am the best at destroying me. I dont know what my problem is, but i cant take it. Sometimes I make a list, and i put down everything I love and hate about myself. Everytime I get the same numbers, 13 main reasons i hate myself, and not a 1 reason to love myself. Again im sorry to bore you, but i just cant stop typing once i start
     
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    You do not bore us. We want to be there for you. It is a TOUGH time in your life. Don't think it is nothing.

    You may have to look inside your heart to find what do you can/want to change. Where or what or think of new/old dreams. Do you want to live differently?
    I do not want to say you need to be on "legal", proper drugs, instead of weed....I am not judge, you will have to think on that. dr. or conselor can advise you.

    I never make lists cuz I would be afraid what I listed. That sounds negative, I would say that is negative on you. Most importantly, remember that the 'kid'
    you are now, is not the person you can become or change into. I certainly am not the same as I was 17. I was sure I would be dead by 30.
    post again, it does help!
     
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