Please help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lexicon, Jan 9, 2011.

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  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Ok, so after another day of rows, of bulimia, of hurting myself just so I can bloody well feel, of trying to survive just one more fucking day, I have just the question "why" left. Why bother? Ok, death is a "bad thing" and "people will miss me" and "it will have a negative effect on all sorts of people" and I know that, I've known enough people who have killed themselves, and I know that most people think it's utterly selfish and callous and pretty much pointless.

    I'm all of those things anyway. I'm a fucking waste of space, and my family have just happily confirmed that for me. Again.

    Why don't I move out? Because I have nowhere to go, and I don't have the balls because I still believe every barb they throw at me about how useless I am, and the absurd, stupid fact that I still love them with everything inside me. Which doesn't actually make sense. I know they love me too, but they just can't stand me as a human being - if I wasn't blood, they woulnd't have anything to do with me.

    I have no friends who would take me in, no places to go. I'm 17, I don't have the guts to go anywhere and I don't even really have the guts to kill myself properly, I've only given it 7 tries so far. FFS I can't even kill myself properly!

    So I hurt myself and I hate myself and it starts all over again, and I'm sitting here thinking hey, so I can't die here and now. Make it look like an accident, I reckon, save everyone the pain of thinking I'm a selfish suicidal bitch and die as I lived - stupid and pathetic.

    Please help me. again, sounding incredibly pathetic, but hey, no changes there.

    Lex.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are so sad and full of pain Your parent do love you they just don't know how to help you Most of our love ones don't hun. You should not move anywhere you need to be home but you do need help. You are old enough to call your doctor and tell him or her what is happening and that you need help now Perhaps some stay in hospital will help just stabilize you hun to get you eating and drinking properly. Just know i hear you but if you can call your doctor and just talk okay so you are heard hugs
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lexi. I almost 30 and I still happily live at home. You're only 17. You shouldn't feel guilty for living at home. Maybe you could contribute more at home like cleaning up the place or buying groceries? You're not stupid or pathetic. Please stop telling yourself that. You seem like a really nice person. :hug:
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    your family members are big dumb jerks who should be slapped. the low opinion that you have of your self seems to be the product of all of the shit they have dumped on you.

    have you been in therapy or gotten treatment? family therapy might be a good thing, as it seems that your family is the origin of your problems

    if your family won't go to therapy because they don't want to admit what big dumb jerks they are, is there a relative that you trust that you could live with? a grandparent, aunt?

    I hope that things get better soon!
     
  5. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Hello, thanks everyone for your replies.

    Violet - thank you. I know they don't know how to help, but they are havin a definite and undenably detrimental effect on me at the moment, and I don't think they're be too unhappy by my leaving. At least for a little while, get some space for all concerned?

    Dave - I do a lot around the house as it is, that really isn't the concern. To the extent of being told "Stop helping, you're getting in the way". It's just getting confusing!

    May - ermm well I'm therapy for my long-term eating disorder, but I haven't actually admitted to my suicidal thoughts. They know I've tried in the past though. I think they underestimate it badly. My family refuse to admit problems, but I'm used to that. My dad has a phobia of therapy as far as I can work out, and my mother is just convinced that "your problems are your problems, and it's your reaction to us that's the issue, not us". And we don't talk to ANY of our extended family - they take "big dumb jerks" to ENTIRELY new levels.

    Woop.

    Well, I made it through another day.

    Thank you for all your replies. Lex.
     
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