Please help.

I know this probably sounds stupid, but I don't know what to do anymore.
I tried to just sleep it through. I slept almost 24 hours today.
I tried to talk to people about it, but they just don't get how I'm feeling.

When I look in the mirror, I hate my face.
I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate everything about myself.

I know my feelings probably sound stupid, but lately all I could think about
is 'What would be the least painful way to kill myself?', but then I get scared.

I feel like, if I did that, all the problems would go away.
Then I get worried about all the things I've been brainwashed, like religion.

I just wish all these feelings of self-hate and lonliness would go away.
I can't get help, or medication. My mom can't afford it.

I feel like I have noone.
I just want to sleep all the time.

I thought maybe joining this board would help.
But, I'm not so sure it will. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry if my feelings sound immature, or stupid.
I just really want the feelings to go away, and nothing I do helps.

 

Well welcome to the forum anyways.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. Had a dose of hate myself on Thursday so know how horrid that can be. I caught my reflection in a window and hated everything I saw; even my hair which I'm normally quite vain about.
perhaps we're not looking any different it's just our mood is making us feel ugly.

Keep posting, there are some very nice people on here and someone is bound to be able to help.

Welcome again

 

Hi there, and :welcome: to the forum!

Please let me reassure you that your feelings are not stupid. You sound like you're in a lot of emotional pain, and the attempts at getting heard and support, have not been successful.

I'm sorry that you're hating yourself so much right now. I think a lot of people who suffer from depression will, unfortunately, be able to relate to some or all of what you describe. So if it helps at all, please know that you're not alone. I know we may only be an online support forum, but we are real people, and sometimes having that anonymity can be a positive thing, as we can feel free to really say how we feel.

I wish i could say or do something that will help, or make your feelings subside so that you don't feel so desperate as to want to end your life. I don't want to add guilt to your list of feelings, but ending your life would not make all the problems better... it would only be the beginning of emotional pain for your mum, for example.

You mentioned that your mum is unable to afford any medication.. but does she know how you bad you are really feeling at the moment? Is there any free counselling services in your area? I don't know how old you are, but if you are under 25 there are often free youth counselling services available.

I really hope that you find some comfort by joining this forum. It can sometimes help a lot to find like minded people.. we can understand and relate to your feelings. Please keep posting if you want and if it helps. I look forward to seeing you around

:arms:
Jenny x

 

Devastated's post is spot on - it is our mood which largely influences how we see ourselves. The thing is, when you're truly in a good mood, your mind is actually working to find all the positive things around you. You will notice traits about you that you love, for many people their eyes seem to illuminate with life in great states of mind. When you're in a bad mood, you will only focus on the negative traits, and I know just how hard that can be, most of us have felt this way before.

There are both positive and negative in all of us, and in everything in life - movie critics often focus on the negative aspects of films, when we are in love we tend to see our lovers in a good light, all of their beauty comes to us and we tend to not care about their bad traits anymore. It's truly just a state of mind, and it's not exactly something that we can consciously control. (Well if it was, I'm sure there wouldn't be so many people on this suicide forum)

I would recommend just giving in to your feelings, no matter how bad, just share any of your thoughts here with us. That may make you feel a bit better. After we understand your situation more clearly, there will be many people here who'll have helpful advice, and many ways you can change your life for the better. You will be able to love yourself again, and love the life around you as well. You'll want to share your feeling with others when this happens, that is truly what leads us to find the best friends and partners in life. That can all happen for you, but for now let's focus on the present. Tell us when you started feeling this way, and what may have caused this change. Others here are dealing with the same problems, so by helping yourself here you'll also be helping many others who read this.

 

In many ways the more you sleep the worse you feel. Depending on your age, any more than 8 hours is probably overkill. Try to wake up early and go for an early morning walk...you'll feel a lot better for it.

I can sooooo relate to the feelings of self-hate and lonliness, there a pretty powerful combination to live with. Ive been living with them for years, and its only now that im trying to get some help. I use to think id eventually snap out of it...but honestly sometimes you need someone from the outside to step in, you need some sort of support. You mention medication, and the lack thereof...you should fully investigate that. Often, even if its not immediately apparant at first there are ways of getting the medication you need with little expense, possibly if you live in the U.S its harder than elsewhere though. Make some phone calls, and contact the mental health services in your area.

If you ever need people to talk too, theres always people lurking around the forums and in chat. Contacting people via MSN for a chat is probably even better and more immediate.

 

Thank you guys so much.
I got out, and I felt a little better.
My friend invited me to spend time with her.
That helped some, knowing someone wanted me around.

My boyfriend and I got into a big argument.
There was a lot of harsh words, and I just feel.. miserable.

I talked to him earlier, and he was okay.
I told him I loved him and was glad to hear his voice.
& I was, but he always goes somewhere.
He never has to sit at home, alone, like me.
He doesn't know how insecure and lonely I am.
My best friend doesn't either. She's beautiful, and very social.
I'm like the ugly fat best friend.

I have very few close people, and all of them are pretty social and gorgeous.

I know they love me, and don't care how I look, but I care.
& It's not just how I look. I feel terrible. I feel lonely, suicidal, insecure.


I think it might have something to do with bipolar.
I don't know that I am, but I feel very low and very high sometimes.
But, mostly I'm very low.

I just hope it gets better.
Thank you all for your support.

 

I just wanted to WELCOME you here too. I needed to write and let you know many others feel that way about mirrors or poor self-image. I would so love to be another person, or have a different brain. :tongue: You are not alone. Your words and feelings are not stupid at all!!

Take it one day at a time. Smile that you can walk and see.

I struggle with bipolar. Even with meds, it is still tough; it seems to be dependent on life situations. Most days I hate to reminded that I do not have my life that I had in the past. Please, look into local clinic or mental health/mental retardation agencies, mhmr, there are many, many resources if you cannot afford it. I can tell you about that one too!!! It depends on where you live or how long it takes you. You are important! :smile:
Call counselors, & hospitals for REFERRALS for low income families. Find out what is available where you live and go from there.
Take care of yourself.
Please continue to post here.