Please hold on? For what????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cpg_down, Dec 19, 2014.

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  1. cpg_down

    cpg_down Member

    It has been 4 years since I have been hospitalized. Not a thing has changed. I'm 33 now. I don't get the teenagers as much or at least don't understand why they contemplate this when there is so much ahead. But at my age, I feel it is acceptable to throw in the towel and just be over with it. I see my therapist tomorrow, so nothing will happen tonight. But man, 4 years of downhill while watching all your friends get married, move on, and succeed while you're going backwards is a hell of a time.
    Honestly, 4 years doesn't do it justice. It has been this way as long as I can remember. The only regret is not <mod edit- methods> when I should have. Now I have just dragged on through life like a dud, watching the members in my support group just kick butt and everything is the same ol story for me. Why is it socially acceptable to be around for your relatives when you you barely talk to them, no one really cares, and not just end it? It does suck for them for a bit, but it sucks for you more.
    It would have been so easy. <mod edit =- methods> No heaven or hell BS, just back to the mud as meat. It is going to happen one of these days so what am I waiting for? Miracles or a god that clearly don't exist? My wedding day that will never happen? Or any sort of promotion that doesn't occur? Facing this, I know I am damaged goods. Smelling the flowers and all that BS works for kids. Tell that to a burned out adult, they just get more pissed off.
    Life is a scam, and I would never bring another being into it. Anyone who doesn't see it the same way has been too lucky and disillusioned. Or maybe that is the difference between me and the alpha male. Whatever, when my parents are gone I'm looking <mod edit - methods>. Screw this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2014
  2. jennyjeuno

    jennyjeuno New Member

    I am feeling bad today. I euthanised my dog. I am alone and feel no point in life any more
     
  3. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i feel ya. i'm 54. i see no change ahead for me either
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Are there things you would have done differently in the last 33 years? I only ask because while 33 is clearly older and more experienced than a teenager- you still have another entire lifespan of 33 more years and then some some left - so do in fact have time to do everything you have ever done again but do it differently this time if you chose. While you may not go back to jr high to change something there or something like that you can in fact still go back to school , change careers easily ( I did after 30 - a complete 100% career change), change where you live , and absolutely change marital status (the average age for the first marriage in the US for men is 29- and 33 is barely out of line for that).

    You are burnt out and tired - I completely get that. It sucks when life feels like that and throw in depression so it feels like life cannot get better and that things cannot change and it is a nightmare I understand and sympathize with. It is real pain and you are correct, no amount of "talk" saying things will get better is going to change your situation. But actions can change your situation. Obviously just up and quitting a job and changing careers like that is not practical for an adult with bills and responsibilities, and it is not something where next month you will be living in a completely new place and lifestyle - but by next month you can be working on that. If you choose to see nothing but obstacles to changing things that is all you will see- and choose is a shitty word for it because with depression it is not a "choice" - it is all we can see. Sometimes though the only way to get out of a place you do not want to be is to listen to the therapist and others telling you that things can change and act as if you believe they can to get something different started and new things in motion to see where it takes you.

    Just because we cannot see things and feel things cannot get better because of the depression does not make everybody else wrong. If a person is blindfolded they cannot see the path in front of them , but it does not mean it is not there so sometimes instead of arguing with everybody that is telling you there is a path and insisting there is not because you cannot see it you have to accept a little help and support for what it is - guidance on following the path to get you out of where you are at. And really, if everything sucks about what you are doing now to the point where you want to die, what have you go t to lose by trying something different? The other option is always there and is not going anywhere just like it has not for years.

    I do not know based on what you wrote what it is you believe will make life better except that clearly marriage and job are sore points. I do not know enough about you and your situation at all to offer any real advice on how to make things better, so I am not going to try. But if you are in support groups and seeing therapists I am sure others do know and have made suggestions and you cannot see how it would possibly help you - but i would suggest if it is simply a case of you not seeing how it can help so not bothering that you maybe try it anyway. I am also sure you have tried that before and it may have blown up - but that does not mean it is not worth another try. If you do not try to do something differently then no , it will not change. The only advantage you have when absolutely everything sucks is there is little or no downside to doing things a different way - there is not much risk involved when everything is so bad you want to die and you can see no good things . In this situation what have you really got to lose by doing it differently?

    Take Care and Be Safe . I truly hope things do change and soon- I sounds as if you really do deserve a break and have earned a break.

    - Ben
     
  5. cpg_down

    cpg_down Member

    Hey man,
    Thanks for the response. I suppose I have been passively following half your advice for some time, at least since hospitalization. I have kept the attitude of delaying suicide for quite some time. The part I have neglected is the change. I mean, there are changes here and there, but they all probably are just fringe pieces to something else. I know this week was garbage, with more of it on the way with the holidays. But once that is over, it won't be as bad as now. I do understand your blindfold idea. People like us, though, get pretty growly, when people shoveling out the advice have it all (or at least the appearance of it). Yup, I understand it didn't just fall in their lap. But when you hear about their back story and the ridiculous amount of luck that fell on them, you cannot help but getting envious and angry. Which is why I had to post again.
    I am certain I am not alone in that the holidays bring out some of the worst feelings in oneself. It is an in your face happy time for all those around you, when you just want it over with. The constant reminder of where others are kicking your butt in the game of life is of no value to oneself. So, I am trying an experiment to remove myself from all that this year. I know it goes against all principals of "don't be alone." But at these holiday parties and get-togethers, I think we all feel alone in the alienation of not identifying with others joy.
    Gotta work on that change bit. Thanks again
     
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