Please...huge not even possible, definately a trigger/Language

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by ari, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    CAN SOMEONE PLEASE BE ME???????!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE ME ANYMORE. YES I KNOW, I NEED TO BELIEVE THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER I HAVE HEARD THAT FUCKING MANTRA ALL MY LIFE, AND IF I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT MESSAGE, THEN BASICALLY THE NEXT MESSAGE IS ...WELL THATS FUCKING LIFE DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM SO GOD DAMNED FUCKING TIRED OF DEALING WITH LIFE AND BEING THE NICE FUCKING STUPID BITCH THAT ALWAYS FIGURES OUT HOW TO GET THINGS DONE...THIS DAMN RANT IS NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE HERE, BECAUSE GOD FUCKING KNOWS THAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN TOO NICE TO ME THAN ANYONE EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN. I TRY TO BE THE BEST MOM I CAN BUT IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER. YES I SHOULD PROBABLY REMEMBER THAT KIDS GROW OUT OF THIS SHITTY STAGE, BUT IT DOESNT STOP MY HEART FROM HURTING EVERYTIME ONE OF MY KIDS, ESPECIALLY MY DAUGHTER, CALLS ME STUPID, RIDICULOUS, BECAUSE NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH, PLEASE CAN I FIND ANOTHER JOB IN MY AREA THAT PAYS WHAT I DO...IT SHOULD GOD DAMN PAY THIS WELL FOR ALL THE HELL THEY PUT ME THRU...I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, I JUST CANT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WITH THE EVERY DAY SHIT TO EVEN START THINKING ABOUT IT, BUT I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT, THERE IS A COURSE THAT I WANT TO TAKE ITS ONLY ONE GOD DAMN FUCKING SEMESTER, ITS A HUGE COURSE LOAD, IT WOULD HAVE TO TAKE ALL OF MY FOCUS, WHICH MEANS I COULDNT WORK, SO I WOULD HAVE TO COME UP WIT FUCKING $2500.OO FOR THE COURSE, AND $5500.00 TO COVER MY FAMILY'S LIVING EXPENSES. YEAH LIKE THATS GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN. i WANTED TO GET A SECOND FUCKING JOB, BUT MY FIRST THOUGHT IS WHERE IN THE FUCKING HELL AM i GOING TO FIT ONE MORE GOD DAMN FUCKING THING INTO MY DAY...WELL IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER ANYWAY.....BECAUSE IF I GET A SECOND JOB I LOSE ME STATE MEDICAL COVERAGE, BECAUSE I AM RIGHT ON THAT LINE WHERE I SUPPOSEDLY MAKE ALMOST TOO DAMN MUCH MONEY TO GET FUCKING ASSISTANCE...AND I CANT AFFORD INSURANCE THRU WORK BECAUSE THAT WOULD COST ME 3/4 OF ONE OF MY TWO WEEK CHECKS...FUCKING YEAH RIGHT I CAN AFFORD THAT..I CANT BE WITHOUT MEDICAL CARE BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKED UP...BUT HEY WHO'S FAULT IS THAT ITS FUCKING MINE!!!!!! ME ITS ME...I AM FUCKED UP...I TRY AND TRY AND I TRY AND I FUCKING TRY, I TRY TO BELIEVE THAT IT WILL GET BETTER. GLIMMERS OF FUCKING HOPE EVERY OH LETS SAY 6 MONTHS OR SO AND I AM SUPPOSED TO HOLD ONTO THAT..NO...i CAN'T U JUST FUCKING CANT ANYMORE, I AM SO EMOTIONALLY DRY AND I DONT WANT TO FUCKING HURT ANYONE, BUTI AM TIRED OF HURTINGIT IS NO ONES RESPONSIBILITY, ITS ALL FUCKING ME.....I HAVE DESTROYED ME, AND I HAVE NO HOPE OF CRAWLING OUT OF THE HELL THAT I AM INDONE
     
  2. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    ari *hug

    im so sorry things are so bad, i hope you find rest from the tension soon
     
  3. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    I Have The Answer To Release The Tension
     
  4. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    ari sweetie,

    I really wish i could take away your pain and hurt. I can see how much you're hurting and I would do anything to take it away from you if i could. Please try not to blame yourself so much, i know that's easier said than done, but none of this is your fault. And it's definately not your fault that you need the medical help.

    You move heaven and earth to do anything for your kids, you are an amazing mum, and i hope that one day I can be as good a mother as you are. I know it's hard when your kids don't seem to appreciate all you do, I was the same with my mother and father, but it will change, I promise you. They will come to see what an amazing woman you are and how much you have done for them and they will love you even more than they already do.

    I wish i could come up with a solution that would allow you to do your course, i'll keep trying to think of one.

    Remember that we are always here for you and that we love you so much for the person you are "warts and all".
    love you
    Lizzy. xxx
     
  5. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
    I don't have anything to say that Lizzy hasn't already said...
    You are wonderful and if there is anything we can do to help at all, just name it.
     
  6. lost

    lost Member

    Hi Ari
    Can i ask how old your kids are? I do heaps of work with youth (it sounds like they might be teens) so if you need any help with them you can always pm me and i'll be happy to share stuff with you.

    I can feel the frustration you are feeling at your situation. Mine's not the same but i feel boxed in like you - no choice but to stay in your square because no matter how hard you try something always knocks you down or prevents your escape. If you want to talk please pm me and i'll be gald to.
    Keep surviving - you may not feel like it now but one day your kids will thank you for it (and one day they'll move out and then you've got a whole other life to explore). Hold on, chickadee!!
    Love Lost xxoo
     
  7. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    thanks all for your support...it does mean the world to me
    i just find myself lacking...so often
    even my kitty "winter" is telling me it is time to go to bed right now and i am ignoring her...for the moment.

    I am still struggling big time...but I am going to work my damndest to get thru

    lost I have a teen and a tween, thanks for the offer, would love tot alk with you
    but as it is almost 2am, and my head is spinning because i am so tired, i think i should try to get get some sleep...
    will be around for a bit tommorow, and then its off for a weekend of two shows/trips ...on the final countdown for trips after this only one more...but its a week long.
    ari