Please, I just want a break here!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ParanoidGirl, Jun 7, 2012.

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  1. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    I have had the most terrible 6 months, something like a really bad soap opera, the problem is this, my doctor thinks I may have suffered a nervous Breakdownicon in January and has referred my for emergency counselling but this could still take 4-6 weeks.

    The major problem I have is this, since January I have spent 8K on my company credit card and I honestly dont know what I have been doing, my full history is below, but my personality totally changed after Christmas, I have become distgustingly flirty, coarse and open. I have been "acting" overly happy and cheerful and optimistic, when actually I was just dying inside, every day. I am a receptionist and Facility Manager which doesnt afford me the ability to just be myself, I have to be cheerful and accomodating.

    Here is my history:
    • Nov 2011
    o Partner of 14 years goes away on business trip to Asia for 3 weeks
    o Partner returns and leaves home needing time to think
    o Caroline celebrates birthday alone
    o Caroline Admitted to A&E with SVT
    • Dec 2011
    o Ex-Partner tells her he needs time to think and there is no one else
    o Caroline spends Christmas break alone
    o Caroline attempts suicide
    o Caroline admitted to A&E with SVT
    o Caroline spends New Year alone
    • Jan 2012
    o Ex-Partner still reassures her he needs time to think
    o Caroline is scheduled for a Cardiac Ablation Operation
    o Ex-Partner is away in Canada at that time
    o Caroline goes through heart operation & recovery only with support of colleagues
    o Ex-Partner removes all financial assistance
    o Caroline comes off her anti-depressants to be able to stop smoking using Champix
    • Feb 2012
    o Ex-Partner reveals he fell in love whilst Asia with a colleague, we both know
    o He left Caroline for her, Caroline is devastated, again
    o Ex-Partner empties her apartment whilst she is at work, leaving only a few items
    o Caroline tries to be strong and negotiates new role with increased salary
    o Caroline for the first time in months thinks things are going her way
    • Mar 2012
    o [Company] announce merger with [Another]
    o Caroline is openly devastated at announcement, the thoughts of losing her friends and security.
    o Caroline starts to spiral without her medication, but believes she will be strong enough
    o Caroline displays uncharacteristic behaviour, openly flirty and coarse
    o Caroline feels out of control but feels that work is levelling her and providing purpose
    • Apr 2012
    o Many redundancies occur at work
    o Morale is extremely low and atmosphere is oppressively negative
    o Caroline tries to remain chirpy and cheerful and raise peoples spirits
    o Caroline visits doctors to resume anti depressant medication
    o Caroline is scolded by doctor for taking herself off them
    o Counselling is offered but with a 4 month wait time
    • May 2012
    o Caroline discovers that her partner, who left 6 months ago, conceived a child with his
    girlfriend 5 months ago.
    o Caroline’s hope is destroyed, any chance of reconciliation obliterated.
    o Caroline’s medication will not take effect for another 3 weeks
    o Caroline approaches ex partner to apologise for spends on his credit card
    o Ex-Partner reveals no spends on his card
    o Caroline logs in to [EDIT] to discover all spends have been on company card
    o Caroline informs [EDIT] in HR of error


    • 6 Month Overview
    o Caroline just “goes through the motions”
    o Feels as if she is running on auto pilot
    o Caroline displays uncharacteristic behaviour
    o Becomes un organised and forgetful
    o Caroline was tormented by her ex-partner, giving false hope, only to crush her over and over again
    o Caroline’s financial situation is dire and she has trouble eating and sleeping
    o Caroline took herself off her lifelong anti depressants in a bid to quit smoking
    o Caroline spiralled into depression and masked it by being, flirty, suggestive and coarse


    My doctor thinks I have PTSD with a disassociative disorder.

    TODAY I WAS FIRED!!!

    I HAVE NOTHING LEFT !!!!

    IM ALONE AND HAVE NOTHING !!!
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    WOW. Okay wow. Thats... I can't imagine how you feel! I am sorry you went through all of that Caroline - it sounds horrendous. I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts and really hope something goes right for you soon! :hug:
     
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    If you want to talk - my PM box is always open.

    You don't have to suffer alone.

    Chris
     
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