Please, I need some help.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by plucky, Nov 16, 2010.

  1. plucky

    plucky Member

    Hi there everybody,

    I'm really new here... well, maybe not that new, but you could say this is the first time I actually show up so you probably don't know me. It's my first posting here and all.

    I know you all have your own problems, probably much more serious than mine and I don't really want to bother anyone with my petty issues, really I don't. But I honestly don't know what else to do or who else to turn to, all the people I know would probably freak out and look at me funny if I told them what's going through my head, I figured you guys wouldn't be freaked out by it.

    The thing is, as it's probably obvious, considering I'm at a suicide forum, I've been feeling a bit lousy and tried to kill myself more than once this year, I think more than four times actually, which must be a record for me. I've always felt a bit bad about myself but lately it's that much worse because everything is just going from bad to worse and what was once a suspicion, that my family really didn't care about me that much, what's more, maybe even wanted me to disappear, is now a certainty.

    I know it's a bit stupid, but even though my family can't stand me, I really care about them and about what they think a lot, that's maybe one of the reasons why I wanted to kill myself I guess, I always figured I'd be doing them a huge favor. And now, just now, I confirmed that. I heard my brother talking, actually, he said it right to my face, just how much he hated me, how stupid he thinks I am and all of a sudden, all the criticizing, all the nasty remarks, everything he's ever said and done to me makes sense. I kind of already knew he didn't like me very much, but to actually hear him utter the words, that he hated me, hurt more than I could've imagined and my mom, she actually mentioned how much more she cared about her furniture than she cared about me. You don't really wanna know what she said.

    But it all adds up to one thing, I feel torn up inside and more alone than I've ever felt before. I can't even kill myself right and believe me, I've tried. I never thought I would be "talking" about this, I've never ever even voiced, or written down, for that matter, how I really feel to anyone. Why, everyone I know thinks I'm this carefree, go-lucky, happier-than-sunshine person, but the truth is, I can't live with myself anymore. And no one can ever know that.

    Please, someone, I just feel so alone, I never thought I'd say this but, I really need some help. Advice, whatever, I just don't know how to deal with myself anymore.

    Thanks and apologies in advance. I know I tend to babble a lot, and I'm sorry. You don't have to answer really, Heck, you don't really have to read this even. I'm really sorry, I really don't mean to bother or offend anyone with my problems.

    Take care all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry your brother was so cruel to youand your mother It seems you family is the problem here not you. They are very toxic Is there a councillor you can talk to at school about how you feel. a teacher anyone. If you are 16 you can talk to your doctor and it will be confidential even so you can maybe get help some therapy for the abuse your family is inflicting on you. I am glad you are reaching out hear so you can be sure you are not alone anymore okay.
    Telling someone is important okay so you can get some help. sometimes brothers say things they do not mean they are just angry at the time i hope he apoligises for hurting you . let him know okay how bad you feel
  3. plucky

    plucky Member

    Thank you Violet, that honestly means a lot and I really hope you're right and that in reality it was just the anger speaking. My mom, she was actually pretty mad when she said that so, I don't know. Maybe you're right.
    My brother, on the other hand, he actually seemed like he was having a really good time saying those things, he maybe thought it was funny. I wish I could tell him how much he hurt me, I wish I could talk to someone, like you say. But thing is, I don't think I can do either. For some reason, I just can't seem to talk about this.

    Thanks anyway, Violet, thanks a lot for the quick answer and for the cool advice. I just wish I had the strength to do as you say.
  4. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey plucky

    you should see if you can get into will HELP A LOT...i can't talk about things either, so instead, i write them down and take them to my counselors...somehow, as dumb as it sounds, it's VERY HELPFUL to just have someone acknowledge your existence for an hour and focus on you...(to the extent that i don't know how i'm going to make it 16 days without my therapist...stupid thanksgiving)...

    and you're not bothering us...the point of this forum is to support each other...we all are going thru the same come talk to us...PM me if u me, i understand...(when i went to college, my brother said that he hopes i never come i didn't for a year and half!!!)...both my parents make me feel like i'm not good enough, b/c everything i do, even if it's done well, they find something to complain about...i have depression and i'm suicidal...

    hang in there...
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i know it is hard to understand why the people close to you seem to hurt you the most. Your brother has issues and he is making himself feel better by belittling you. You are important no matter what anyone says or does you have meaning you are special you are. Let them know how much pain you are in don't hold that inside you okay. Even if you write out those thought and emotions on a piece of paper and never give it to anyone it will help you to release it okay. I use to write a lot of poetry which was just that emotions pain sadness that was inside me that needed to come out. You do the same okay you right down how their words made you feel If you can leave the paper so they will see it leave it on table anywhere maybe they will read it and realize how hurtful they were. My own child says terrible things to me at times and i know how painful words can be but please know there is nothing wrong with you the fault lies with your brother and mother they have issues it is not you.
  6. plucky

    plucky Member

    Thank you, thank you so much for the kind words and advice, both of you. It really means a lot to be able to talk to someone about this, without worrying about what they might think or how they would react. Thank you so much.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your parents and brother, plshelpme. It's a really awful feeling to feel rejected by your own family and something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, but at least you're strong enough to see a councelour and write about it. Something I'm not so sure I can do yet. And thanks for saying I'm not a bother, I really wasn't sure whether or not to post here, I have a tendency to mess up everywhere I go. So thank you, for not saying I should just suck it up and shut up. It means a lot.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your child saying those terrible things to you Violet. Can't really see why he or she would say such things, it seems to me you're a very compassionate, caring and understanding person, traits that in my opinion make the perfect parent. I guess sometimes people just don't see what's right in front of them, I wish my own parents were like you. Thanks a lot for the kind words again, Violet. I'm not special or meaningful by no means though, but thanks anyway. That was really nice and I will try to do as you say, write down how I feel. I won't leave it somewhere where anyone can see it though, I really don't want anyone finding out how I feel, especially not my family. I really don't think I can do that, they would probably be mad or think I'm stupid and lock me up or something.

    Thank you both a lot for your help again. I really appreciate it.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand not wanting them to see how vulnerable you are that would perhaps only give them more ammunition to hurt you. Write out all those words the pain the sadness then rip the paper up or shred it sometimes doing that it help the pain to go away some. So many people just don't think there brains are empty as is their heart You will be old enough soon and you can go and make a life for yourself a good life in a safe place where noone will hurt you okay
    I know it seems far away right now but it isn't so hold on okay and talk to someone anyone you can trust It helps having someone hear you and understand. I do.
  8. plucky

    plucky Member

    Thank you Violet. I didn't say anything, bacause I was a bit embarrassed to say the least, when you mentioned you thought I was younger than 16, haha, the truth is, I am old enough to have been able to go make a life for myself, I've actually just turned 23 and should really not feel like this any longer. Should've been able to move past what others think of me, what my family thinks of me. Thing is, I think I agree with everything they say, I'm just too stupid to move forward, I don't really know how to move forward anymore and I honestly doubt I'm ever going to be able make a life for myself anywhere. Where ever I go, these feelings follow and that's okay, I guess. Maybe I'm just not ment to feel otherwise or to have a life of my own. Maybe I just shouldn't and that's okay too.

    Thanks a lot anyway, you're really nice and I bet the best parent. Thank you, really.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    only 23 god still young still have so much time to get therapy needed to undue what has been done. You need therapy to help change what they have programed in to you. You are not stupid okay you just need help to change you need someone to give you direction Is there anyway you can get some therapy councilling Your self esteem is so low to no fault of you okay. Please if you can do that okay get some councilling and do one thing nice for ou okay You can succeed you will succeed and don't let anyone tell you differently. I was told i was to stupid i was told i was a nothing a noone a piece of garbage thrown away i had nothing okay handme downs nothing but i showed them i used my anger my pain and i showed them by becoming someone You are someone and you will succeed because you can you truly can do what ever it is you want to do find that passion okay and do it.
  10. BP#1

    BP#1 Well-Known Member

    Wow, such similarities. Violet is so right..... Listen to her. She is right......
  11. plucky

    plucky Member

    Thank you Violet. Thank you for the kind words. I hope you're right too, that I can maybe become someone.
    Therapy? You really think that would help? For some reason, it kinda makes me a bit nervous to think about it.

    Thanks again Violet.
  12. plucky

    plucky Member

    Hi BP#1,
    Similarities? You're going through something similar as well?
    And yeah, Violet's probably right, I probably do need therapy or something. I obviously do have some issus if I've considered and actually tried, for that matter, to kill myself more than once already. That's not normal, I guess. To want to end your own life, normal people usually want to live, right? Thing is, the idea of therapy, for some reason, freaks me out. I guess I just have to find the courage to do it. Somehow.