You know it has been a long time since I have felt so wonderfully down that I hope my cat mysteriously dies over night so I can start planning my suicide so I can just get things over with. The fact that I think this way makes me even more depressed. I guess it was the realization today of a couple of things. The first that I have to deal with my mom for.. well 4 months in a row. Short bursts, but that is more than enough to cause me depression. Especially since 3 of these interactions are going to be at family events of some kind. So I will get bitched at for acting like myself. The main one that is annoying is the fact that I have to go to my sister's wedding. This is going to be rough since I am not a some what distant relative. At a cousin's wedding you can get away with just sitting around playing video games. However, at my sister's wedding that is a whole different story. I really hope that is just paranoia, but who knows. I guess I might just end up ruining my sister's wedding. Today my mom called me and asked me if I have made any friends. Really mom... this is getting old. I lived near by you for 7 years, not once did I make friends. I went out regularly to the gym, and was around people at work. Not once did I make a friend. Yet some magical how in a place I have only lived for 3 months I am suddenly forming meaningful human relationships? Just freaking give up already. It is less disappointing for you when you realize... wait... I know damn well that I have told you that I have almost mastered my schedule so that I can stay in my apartment all weekend long and not have to leave... so I am confused... why are you bothering me about making friends again? You know damn well that I only leave my apartment for errands and chores.. yet you insist that I actually speak to people... when will you grow up? Do the grown-up thing and lose hope. I mean geez.. I tell the family that people my age throw pool parties at the pool almost daily and I bitch about how noisy they are. You would think that if I actually gave a shit about people or saw them as anything more than vessels for money and/or sex I would go down to one of these parties and participate or at least pretend like I just wanted to use the pool. No instead I complain about how noisy it is. God why do I have to constantly be reminded that I am not good enough for people? Why does the family have to pretend that I got the shit genes in the family and am not worthy of people's time? There is nothing wrong with admitting it. Hell it will make things a lot easier on you guys when you realize that I have no social skills and am going to die alone and likely only be discovered because my body rots. Maybe I should find a secluded dumpster.. hope in there and kill myself in there. That way I can be filed as a missing person and the family can hold out hope that I am not dead. Then they can loath me when I am found at a dump with my suicide note saying I did it so they could have hope. Then when the funeral comes they will round up... well the family and realize just how much people were repulsed by me. Ugh... Why is it that when I get this depressed I cannot seem to fall asleep? Man I just wish I could fall asleep.... yet for some reason I cannot fall asleep... why is it that I cannot fall asleep... I just want to be asleep so I can celebrate the fact that I am one day closer to death... for some reason that is far too much to ask of myself. Is it so much to ask to sleep... or for a natural disaster that will kill me instantly so I can no longer exist? I am nothing but a blight on this world... my resources should be going to a more useful people.. you know serial killers, pedophiles, rapists.. people who actually value other people. No I am stuck here living wasting space and resources that could be put to a million better uses... For some reason I am cursed by this fact.