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Please let me die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cherished.one, Feb 3, 2008.

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  1. cherished.one

    cherished.one Member

    It's never going to get better... it does for some people but it will never get better for me. I don't even know where to post this because it's got so much of everything...

    I was raped by a band-mate towards the end of grade 9. I was almost 15 years old (which was a little less than 4 years ago). I know, get over it already, right? I tried getting help for it. I told my guidance counsellor a year after it happened.. but she said "having sex and later regretting it does not constitute as rape". I don't want to believe her, but such a huge part of me does.

    I told my ex-vp about it, almost 2 years later, only 2 months before my 18th birthday. She promised she'd keep it confidential cause i was of age ... 16 was the age.. but then she went back on it and said that she had to report it and tell my parents, because apparently 18 is the actual age where my confidentiality can be held. Well.. she lied but i only found that out this year. I was so hurt... i ... was just finishing up high school at that point, in my senior year, and.. she completely betrayed me.

    Then I came to university, and the fact that i didn't have band anymore was a lot worse than i could cope with. The changes were tremendous. My already-bad eating habits became worse. I started going onto pro anorexia sites. I was also part of a "survivor site" -> a site for male and female survivors of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape. I made very good friends here... and I was also making good friends on the pro anorexia sites. When my survivor friends found out that i was going on these sites, they were shocked.

    I'm 5'11.5 and i weigh 110 pounds right now. I want to be 93 pounds. I eat less than 500 calories every day, and sometimes i dont eat at all. I've started burning off about 1500 calories in the gym every day... by working out for 3 hours a day.

    My school work is suffering. I missed a final exam back in december because i misread the timetable. That was around the time i'd started seeing a counsellor.

    You see... when my friends found out about the pro anorexia sites, i got into a huge fight with my closest friend. I really hurt her. So i decided that i was going to suck up all my fears, regardless of my bad experiences with " the professionals" and I was going to help myself. I talked to one counsellor at university.. and she was.. kind of rude, and blunt. I decided I wasn't going to let that deter me, i was still going to stick with it. I owed it to myself, and to my precious friend. 2nd meeting: went worse. I decided to go see my psych prof, because i really trusted him. I'd met him during frosh week and we had lunch together (i got to sit beside him!) it was a group lunch for those students taking psychology. Anyways... he'd really built up trust with me.. so i went in to talk to him about psych stuff -> treatment methods, etc and also ED's. He figured out a lot about me without me even having to say anything... just by the way i was sitting, and responding to what he said. It was rather scary how well he knew me without even really spending so much time with me!

    Anyways.. he's a man i respect more than almost anyone else in my life.. and i really look up to him. He told us on the first day of class that if we ever had a problem, even if it was personal, to come see him and he'd do his best to help us out of it. As we got talking about eating disorders, he came to know that i have really bad nightmares, so i dont sleep at night. And later, he asked me if i'd been raped or sexually assaulted. I looked at him in shock, i guess, because he knew the answer without me even saying it. All i could do was nod. I got a little bit of it out. I asked for a ride home. He asked for water, came inside. Phone rang upstairs, i went up to answer it. He followed me but i didnt hear him. He did it. The end.

    And... i never really thought i was going to talk to him about it.. but i did. And... now he's a really great support of mine. At around the same time, the counsellor i was seeing left on emergency mat leave. I talked to him about the possibility of seeing the other uni. counsellor, but i was really weary of doing so. After we talked, i booked the appointment, and saw her. Her name's lesley. She's really really nice.

    My parents are physically abusive according to her. They are also emotionally abusive according to her. My psych prof calls my house a high-trigger environment. I don't think they are abusive -> i think they just discipline me and my brother.

    My dad recently got me weight loss pills. And needless to say, things have spiraled out of hand. I dont know what to do. On the one hand, my close friends, and my psych prof, MY psych prof, who's supposed to be on MY side, NOT theirs, says that he agrees with my friends about the fact that I need to work on the eating disorder, and stop going on the pro ana sites. He says that as soon as i deal with the assault, the eating will take care of itself. I dont know about that.. but i trust him, so im believing that. On the other hand, my dad, the person who raised me (along with mom).. the person who's always had my best interests at heart.. is telling me that i need to lose even more weight, and all i want to do is be his perfect daughter, but then how do i dismiss the words of my dearest friends and my psych prof? I'm being pulled between 2 different and complete opposite worlds, and all i want is the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I want to leave. I want to die because it hurts so bad. And i don't know what to do.
  2. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    your health comes first! Check the charts, i haven't read them but i'm pretty sure that you're way to slim for your height. (obviously) EAT!!! How exaclty can you be rapped and have ppl denying it ever happened?
    And finally Welcome
  3. cherished.one

    cherished.one Member

    the charts are wrong, i have tons of fat everywhere. handfuls upon handfuls of fat, i can feel it doubling over each other like butter.
  4. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    well you self describe yourself as anorexic, ano-ppl have an unfortunate tendency to convince themselves that they are too fat. What disturbs me is your father's attitude in all this, how can he support what you are doing?
  5. cherished.one

    cherished.one Member

    he's the one who got me the weightloss pills. he said the ana sites are ok. He just wants me to be his skinny perfect daughter, thats all
  6. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    I don't know how you're going to take this but you should stop listening to the advice of your father, at least when it comes down to your weight.
  7. cherished.one

    cherished.one Member

    i just want to be his perfect daughter! and he's my dad, he's the one who's raised me for 18 years, he knows whats best for me.. hell i wouldnt be here today, alive and healthy, if it wasnt for the way he and mom raised me, so i mean, considering that theyve taken care of me for 18 years, i think they know what healthy and unhealthy for me is.. isnt it?
  8. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    no your doctor and your psychiatrist knows what is healthy for you it's their jobs. Your parents love you, but that doesn't mean they neceseraly knows what is best for you when it comes down to health.
  9. cherished.one

    cherished.one Member

    i know.. i think i do know that.. but.. i just.. sigh. i just want to be his perfect daughter.
  10. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    What he considers perfect obviously isn't. I have an eating disorder too, and I know how hard it can be. But you can't listen to him and let him help you to continue to starve yourself to death. You'll die before you are happy with your weight.
  11. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    110 pounds eh? You're thin enough. I think maybe your dad's perception of "perfect" has been skewed by all those skinny models on TV and in magazines. But, if you want to become thinner, I have a better idea. Rather than lose fat, try to turn it into muscle. Do pushups, lift weights, run around a lot. You'll feel a lot better that way, physically and mentally. Oh, and... why do you want to be your dad's perfect daughter? I know he's your dad and all, but rather focus on what YOU want for yourself. What YOU want comes first, before anyone else.

    What do they do? Is it anything like this?: http://eqi.org/legal.htm
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