It's never going to get better... it does for some people but it will never get better for me. I don't even know where to post this because it's got so much of everything... I was raped by a band-mate towards the end of grade 9. I was almost 15 years old (which was a little less than 4 years ago). I know, get over it already, right? I tried getting help for it. I told my guidance counsellor a year after it happened.. but she said "having sex and later regretting it does not constitute as rape". I don't want to believe her, but such a huge part of me does. I told my ex-vp about it, almost 2 years later, only 2 months before my 18th birthday. She promised she'd keep it confidential cause i was of age ... 16 was the age.. but then she went back on it and said that she had to report it and tell my parents, because apparently 18 is the actual age where my confidentiality can be held. Well.. she lied but i only found that out this year. I was so hurt... i ... was just finishing up high school at that point, in my senior year, and.. she completely betrayed me. Then I came to university, and the fact that i didn't have band anymore was a lot worse than i could cope with. The changes were tremendous. My already-bad eating habits became worse. I started going onto pro anorexia sites. I was also part of a "survivor site" -> a site for male and female survivors of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape. I made very good friends here... and I was also making good friends on the pro anorexia sites. When my survivor friends found out that i was going on these sites, they were shocked. I'm 5'11.5 and i weigh 110 pounds right now. I want to be 93 pounds. I eat less than 500 calories every day, and sometimes i dont eat at all. I've started burning off about 1500 calories in the gym every day... by working out for 3 hours a day. My school work is suffering. I missed a final exam back in december because i misread the timetable. That was around the time i'd started seeing a counsellor. You see... when my friends found out about the pro anorexia sites, i got into a huge fight with my closest friend. I really hurt her. So i decided that i was going to suck up all my fears, regardless of my bad experiences with " the professionals" and I was going to help myself. I talked to one counsellor at university.. and she was.. kind of rude, and blunt. I decided I wasn't going to let that deter me, i was still going to stick with it. I owed it to myself, and to my precious friend. 2nd meeting: went worse. I decided to go see my psych prof, because i really trusted him. I'd met him during frosh week and we had lunch together (i got to sit beside him!) it was a group lunch for those students taking psychology. Anyways... he'd really built up trust with me.. so i went in to talk to him about psych stuff -> treatment methods, etc and also ED's. He figured out a lot about me without me even having to say anything... just by the way i was sitting, and responding to what he said. It was rather scary how well he knew me without even really spending so much time with me! Anyways.. he's a man i respect more than almost anyone else in my life.. and i really look up to him. He told us on the first day of class that if we ever had a problem, even if it was personal, to come see him and he'd do his best to help us out of it. As we got talking about eating disorders, he came to know that i have really bad nightmares, so i dont sleep at night. And later, he asked me if i'd been raped or sexually assaulted. I looked at him in shock, i guess, because he knew the answer without me even saying it. All i could do was nod. I got a little bit of it out. I asked for a ride home. He asked for water, came inside. Phone rang upstairs, i went up to answer it. He followed me but i didnt hear him. He did it. The end. And... i never really thought i was going to talk to him about it.. but i did. And... now he's a really great support of mine. At around the same time, the counsellor i was seeing left on emergency mat leave. I talked to him about the possibility of seeing the other uni. counsellor, but i was really weary of doing so. After we talked, i booked the appointment, and saw her. Her name's lesley. She's really really nice. My parents are physically abusive according to her. They are also emotionally abusive according to her. My psych prof calls my house a high-trigger environment. I don't think they are abusive -> i think they just discipline me and my brother. My dad recently got me weight loss pills. And needless to say, things have spiraled out of hand. I dont know what to do. On the one hand, my close friends, and my psych prof, MY psych prof, who's supposed to be on MY side, NOT theirs, says that he agrees with my friends about the fact that I need to work on the eating disorder, and stop going on the pro ana sites. He says that as soon as i deal with the assault, the eating will take care of itself. I dont know about that.. but i trust him, so im believing that. On the other hand, my dad, the person who raised me (along with mom).. the person who's always had my best interests at heart.. is telling me that i need to lose even more weight, and all i want to do is be his perfect daughter, but then how do i dismiss the words of my dearest friends and my psych prof? I'm being pulled between 2 different and complete opposite worlds, and all i want is the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I want to leave. I want to die because it hurts so bad. And i don't know what to do.