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Please Let Me Sleep!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Puddytat, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    I dont want to wake up to this body anymore, i feel like i dont fit in it, its too short i keep wanting to stretch out because i feel confined, claustrophobic and theres fat that doesnt belong, its like a disease, a cancer. i want it off me but i cant get rid of it. im so exhausted all the time and achy, i want the pain to go away.

    I dont want to wake up to this house, its disgusting, people are noisy and inconsiderate, they smoke pot & it smells filthy, they live like pigs. I cant even cook in the kitchen im scared i'll catch something. i dont feel at home, like i have my own space, like i can be comfortable.

    I dont want to wake up to this country, its lonely and strange, i dont think i'll ever belong here. I miss my family and friends but i cant live back home either, i dont even know where home is anymore. Im floating in nothingness just doing what i have to do to get by everyday.

    I dont want to wake up to this job anymore, not just this job, any job. i dont have the strength to care anymore. there is nothing that i would enjoy doing and even if there was, im not good enough to do it, no qualifications, nothing. Im useless. i cant even bear the thought of having to go through interviews ever again.

    I dont want to wake up to this mind, its holding me back, its negative, its afraid, its shy, its tired, it doesnt want to think anymore. it has just switched off. it has created so many limitations & road blocks for me.

    I dont want to wake up to this heart, its so heavy and it feels trapped. it has so much capacity for love that its holding back, it cant express properly. its as if it is deliberatly sabotaging any chance of happiness yet it is angry at itself. it wants to explode w/ anger and frustration.

    I dont want to wake up to this empty existence. I dont know if anything will be good enough. im always creating new problems or expectations. i dont want to carry on another day w/out comfort and security, w/out commitment and stability, w/out feeling normal and happy, w/ out being afraid of everything, w/out fun and laughter and kids and kittens...
    I cant take another night of restless sleep, feeling even more tired and beat up the next morning.

    I cant do it, please give me the strength to keep going... for my love... for possibilities... if not, please let me not wake up anymore.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, I'm sorry to read you're feeling so low, hopefully you're feeling a little better now than you were when you posted this.

    Can you talk to your housemates about the way they're living? They should respect the fact that you live there too and you shouldn't have to put up with living in such a way. Maybe you could all have a house meet and arrange some sort of rota saying who does the cleaning on what day, it shouldn't all be left to you. If you really is that bad then you can't continue living there, can you move out? Do you have any other friends you can stay with for a bit?

    If you don't mind me asking, how long have you lived in the UK for? Are you still in contact with your family and friends via the internet/phone etc? I imagine that can help fill that 'hole', maybe you can save up to go back and see your family and friends for a few days, or they could come over here.

    You are not useless. You may feel like you're useless but you're not. Maybe if you get hold of a list of courses going on at a local college something will catch your eye, it's worth a shot. To some people working is tedious but try to keep telling yourself that if you work, you can save money and if you save money you can see your family & friends faster and also you can save enough to move out of the place you're living now - it certainly doesn't sound like it helps you much living in that environment.

    I can relate so much, but keep fighting it. It may feel like your brain has switched off but you're still here, you're still a human being and you deserve a chance in this world like everyone else. Do you see a doctor or anyone? Maybe that's something you can consider. If you were to try therapy or medication it'll most likely help you.

    Aw, someone will come along who will tug at those heart strings so hard that the anger inside escapes. Just you wait and see. It may not happen overnight but it will.

    Why do you think you're always creating new problems? If you want to talk about it you're welcome to PM me and I'll listen. I may not have all the answers and I may not help much but I'll try, like I'm trying now. I know only too well that it's hard but don't give in. I do suggest you speak to a professional but in the meantime we're here. Take care of yourself. :hug: