Please listen...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cloud9, Nov 17, 2012.

  1. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Please listen to what I have to say. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not judge. Right now I have no one who I can open up to. Not like this. I need help. Someone to show me how I can make myself better. I want to lead a life worth living. A fulfilling life. Before its too late to realize that dream. I cling on to the hope that I will get up one morning excited/looking forward to what the day will bring. Its nice to imagine anyway.

    Today, as I sat on the dinner table with my dad, he spoke to me a little. I didn't say much. I usually don't have anything to say to him nor him to me. I had the tele on which was showing Tomorrow Never Dies. He wanted to know more about the international internships offered by my employer. I had mentioned to him earlier that if by some miracle I'm still at this company, I'd take a two year international opportunity. This wasn't because I felt it would help me professionally, although I'm sure an international experience on my resume wouldn't hurt. I just wanted to get away from here anyway that I could. He seemed excited to come with me wherever I went although I made it clear to him that wherever I went, I'd go alone.

    Today I particularly felt like shit. I spent the whole Saturday at home. I had work to do, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I hate bringing work home. I know it needs to get done, but it's just so hard to motivate myself to do it. I also find it hard to concentrate at work. I find myself staring at my computer screen at times. I'm so disinterested. I figure that's why work goes home with me these days. I haven't bought work clothes in a while. My mom is bugging me to get some more, but I just don't feel like going out shopping. I haven't even bought casual clothes in awhile. I don't care about my appearance right now.

    I've been eating so much garbage lately. Muffins, cookies, burgers, lattes, coffees. I look for any excuse to eat or drink something. At work I'll take coffee breaks - it gets me away from my work. I'll get a cookie before my train home. I'll eat muffins, pastries at home cause I don't care. It bothers me that my parents don't see anything wrong. To them its normal, just a sweet tooth. I wish they would be cognizant of how to stay healthy, but they really have no sense about this sort of stuff. I'll just eat myself to death or something.

    I really feel like dirt right now. I know I'm a terrible human being. I've done terrible things. In China, I've paid for sex and over here I've gone to those Shiatsu massage parlours and paid for extras. These are probably women who don't want to be in these situations - who does - and I supported it. I've heard people say that these industries only exist because men, no animals, will pay for them and I feel just like those animals. Heh, I shouldn't live for that sole reason.

    I had another company social this week. I had awkward conversations with some employees due to my anxiety/inability to hold a conversation. Near the end when all the senior staff had left I couldn't find the courage to approach the staff of my level who were left socializing near the bar. I just couldn't do it. I left.

    I feel like a jumble. I feel disorganized. I just want to get this right and straight. I'll be going to drink tomorrow night with someone I knew from university. I'm not supposed to drink, but I don't care. I feel like shit and I want to do something, anything I shouldn't. Kind of the same feeling I had the first time I paid for sex.

    My mom has just informed me she needs money for a new winter jacket and boots. I don't understand why I'm such an ungrateful prick. I don't want to give her money. I do, but I don't. I'm mad that my parents haven't been smart enough to take care of their finances. I feel like I was raised for the sole reason of supporting them. I didn't want this. Why do they want to be stuck to me like ball and chain? I'm living at home so I know its fair to pay rent which I'll be doing now. I don't understand why I'm being so selfish. These feelings are making me bitter and hate myself. I just don't like that they won't let me get out and spread my wings a little. I'd want to do that with their support, but hate I can't get it.

    I'm such a mess.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sorry you are feeling such a mess right now. I wish you could talk to someone about how you are feeling in real life. You are right hun you should be able to move on live independently of your family. If you don't want to give your parents money either then rent you should not have to hun explain to them you need the money for your financial needs
    You sound so depressed hun please reach out to your doctor ok and get some help for you. when someone is depressed or in a manic state they do things they normally would not do hun so don't be too hard on yourself hun for having paid sex Just talk to someone ok so you can get out of that darkness you are in. hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you are trying so hard to make things good for yourself and you do not give yourself credit for that...things you have done in your past that you do not like are learning tools to not do in the future...about being not wait for your parents to change...maybe if you get on the right course they will be influenced, but your life is yours and you can start with small gestures...fruit instead of sweets, etc...about resenting buying your mother something...maybe there is more to that than could bring up some issues for you that you have not looked at...and lastly, maybe talking to someone who can guide your professionally would be of have a lot going for you, so now would be a good time to do the work...wishing you all the best and please PM me if I can be there to listen (read as it is cyber)...with caring
  4. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    You can talk here. You're not alone.

    I think the first thing you could do is work out what you want. Something specific as opposed to the nebulous goal of 'being happy' or things like that. Does that make sense?
  5. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    How do you figure out what you want? I have difficulty answering that.
  6. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Try going through the usual things - money, love, children - that kind of thing and see if any of them strike a chord.